AIBU? Aunt and her church / prayer meeting

[NowIfeelAwkward]

My aunt is very religious. She goes to church most Sundays and prays a lot. She was instrumental in raising me. She always helped my DM with me, paid for various school things etc and basically was like a second mother. We are not very close but I do love her. I admit that I have always found her a little draining and passive aggressive.

She's just rang me and asked me if I want to go to a Church prayer meeting at my Dsis'. My sister is not remotely religious but her house can accommodate the small meeting of the prayer group. My Dsis will attend it as obviously it's at her house but other than that she'll most likely play welcoming host. I'm close to my Dsis (if that's relevant).

So during phone call aunt says "Hi, how are you... had a good day?" I say yes and ask her about hers. She then invites me to prayer meeting. My first response is 'No thanks.' She says everyone is going over and that she'd also invited my DM. She says it's starting in 2 hours. I ask her how long had she known about the meeting. She says 'just for a couple of days' and then I tell her its too short notice.

She says 'sorry, sorry, I didn't mean to cause any offence it was just a simple invite' I then apologise to her if i came across as rude as it was just a simple question that I'd asked her, she says 'sorry, all i needed was a simple answer, now we're quarrelling unnecessarily' I then apologise again and tell her that far be it from me to be rude to her as I have a lot of love and respect for her. We then hung up with her apologising for inconveniencing me.

I called my DM and asked her if she is going to the prayer meeting and she said she might, she doesn't know yet. I asked her when she found out about the meeting she says earlier this week on Monday. (On Tuesday I actually saw my aunt and she didn't say a thing).

Now i feel guilty and unreasonable and possibly rude to-boot.

What is the actual issue?

I wouldn't worry about it. It sounds like you were perfectly polite to her. I'm not sure it matters whether it was a prayer meeting, a trip to the cinema or anything else. You didn't want to go and you were nice about it. That's fine. I think you're being too hard on yourself.

I don't see why you're stressing either.
You sounded like you were perfectly polite, just declining, and you're allowed to do that

What's the problem? Have I missed something?

I suppose the way she made me feel. Her PA apologies and me feeling bad. I'm not religious but she tends to want us to do these things and she always wants to pray when all the family is together etc. She told me that we were "now quarrelling" I didn't see it that way at all and wondered if I'd been to flippant with her.

The problem is that the OP said she couldnt go because it was short notice and the aunt started getting on the defensive even though the OP hadnt been offended, I think, am I right OP.

Its like people who tell you to calm down when you are calm, and its really irritating

Yes EustaciaBenson you're right. And to be honest even if I had no plans but sitting on the couch and drinking tea I wouldn't have gone, or wanted to go.

You have nothing to be apologetic about, Now. I would be hard pressed to make any non-necessary event at two hours' notice, and this sounds important only in your aunt's mind. I remain puzzled as to why your non-religious sister is hosting your aunt's prayer meeting?

(Also, going to church 'most' Sundays sounds positively moderate to me! My parents both attend mass every day, and my mother attends a prayer group once a week and often has some other novena or something on the go...)

She's probably worrying about how many people will turn up, so she is drumming up last-minute volunteers

Try to put it behind you - you did nothing wrong.

Lip It's not a competition My sister is holding it at hers because she has the space and is something of a great hostess. Anyway, I'm not going and will try and get a grip.

Does she think you are offended because she has known for a couple of days about the meeting but only invited you at very short notice? (I know you are not but I am guessing she thinks you think you were a kind of afterthought for being invited to the meeting) in fact she probably kind of knew you wouldn't want to go but on the phone felt she had to invite you just in case you did.

I would ring her back after the meeting, say ' I hope you had a nice meeting, I think we got our wires crossed a bit earlier, I'm not upset about anything, I hope you aren't either'

Hi Kurri (Recognise you from another thread of mine you posted on!)

She doesn't think I'm offended. She was in a way taking shelter from what she perceived was an attack. I've been in this situation with her before but then I was much much younger so played along to appease her. Now as an adult I don't tolerate it much. But I guess she still has the ability to bring out that feeling of guilt. If I rang her after the meeting it would fuel her fire, she'd just say something like "No, nowIfeelAwkward, you have nothing to apologise for, sorry if I offended you, are you ok?"

I guess I was after a bit of a rant more than anything. I wouldn't describe her as toxic (not least because I don't want to be struck down by lightening). But she just doesn't seem to understand how I think. Apart from her, my family consists of my sis and my mum and they seem to cope just fine with me.

I think you're over-thinking it.

Your aunt sounds perfectly fine, and so do you, just with different interests, just as valid as each others.

Have a or . and relax.

I really don't think going to church 'most Sunday's' can be classed as 'very religious'!

Christians are very big on inviting people to church events. It is an invitation given out in love. There is no pressure to accept.

However, if you are fretting about it, perhaps something is happening :)

Who would have thought I'd be finding myself trying to defend her religious beliefs! The mind boggles!
Hiphopopotamus my aunt works shifts and tries to get Sundays and Wednesdays off. It's not always possible but she does try - otherwise she'll take any opportunity to pray. Perhaps she's not the most religious person in the world, I wouldn't liken her to the pope but she is the most religious person I know and have ever come across.

NonDom your last sentence interests me. What do you mean by something happening?

My DM did in the end go and I'm currently trying to work out what I can throw together for dinner. I do feel awful. Since I was a child she could make me feel this way. I'm trying to let that go.

NowIfeelawkward I get where you are coming from, and I have someone in my life a little like this. If they do something that might be slightly in the wrong, they are immediately on the defensive and try to make out you are stressed out or annoyed even if you are not, making you feel in the wrong and having to apologise when you have done nothing wrong and in most cases they may have done, so in this case she probably knew she should have invited you earlier and so when you said it was short notice she went on the defensive and made out you were trying to argue when you werent. I wish I had advice for dealing with someone like this but I dont, I work with someone like this and have a relative like this and its draining.

EustaciaBenson So glad to feel as though I am not going mad! I don't know how you deal with it!? I suppose in work it's worse because you can't just shut someone down if you have to work with them on something. Also, you can't shut someone down if you want to be seen as a 'team player.' That colleague must be awful!
Family on the other hand is another story i'd assume!? I don't want to alienate her but she just pisses me off no end. She's not a bad person but she gives me the rage. If my sis had rang me and asked me to go I probably would have gone but my sis has never been passive aggressive. I don't even know if my aunt knows she's doing it. She seems to be immune (only judged by God she once told me).
We are a small family but aunt really just can't be straight forward like everyone else. If sis needed xyz she'd say "I need xyz" If she was pissed off she'd say "you did this or that, you pissed me off" no need to go around in circles. Same with my DM. If I pissed off DM or sis they'd say "you did abc, I feel xyz" we deal with it and end of story, we move on.
My aunt just stresses me out (and I feel as though she has a tally in her head as to who did what...) - She has a lot of money so I feel as though I'll eventually be punished or something.
And I feel guilty, firstly because she was always a supportive force when I was growing up and wants to spend time with me but she's just so passive aggressive! I'd rather she just told me that she thought I was a twat and then we could deal!