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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Travel to a wedding

52 replies

Ninnypie · 13/05/2015 15:12

I have been invited to my good friend’s wedding in June. She is from another country so is getting married there. She was always clear that the wedding venue is 3 hours away from the nearest airport. I have to admit that I thought this was a bit of a pain and told DH so at the time. However, this friend came to my wedding and is a good friend so I didn’t give it too much thought. We booked tickets, leaving on the Friday and returning on the Sunday. We can’t go for any longer as we work and can’t take holiday.

We’ve just found out that the venue is actually almost 4 hours away from the airport. When my DH heard this he said he doesn’t want to go anymore as it’s too far to travel with our 15 month old for a weekend. He says that either I go on my own and he stays at home with DD or we don’t go at all.

I don’t want to let my friend down but nor do I want to spend the whole weekend without my daughter. I work all week and the time with my daughter is so precious. I told DH that we’d made the decision to go and we therefore shouldn’t back out now and he said that I should really reassess this decision as it’s not fair on DD to subject her to all that travelling. I am feeling really torn, on the one hand I know it’s a lot of travel with a small child. She is used to travel but this is extreme – 10 hours on the Friday and 10 hours on the Sunday leaving us with just the Saturday ‘off’. On the other hand, I really can’t imagine leaving her behind and not being with her all weekend. And, of course I’d feel bad for my friend if we didn’t go. I should add I am also feeling rather let down by DH’s lack of support, I thought he had agreed to this and now he’s suddenly saying he doesn’t want to go anymore.

Am I being selfish or is DH being unreasonable?

OP posts:
trufflesnout · 13/05/2015 17:19

I'm with your DH, it sounds exhausting. But I will say that I'm not able-bodied and so perhaps he is BU & it's fine for someone 'normal'

flashheartscanoe · 13/05/2015 17:47

I love travelling as a family. Its a good opportunity to chat and be together without loads of distractions. Your DD wont know shes travelling just that she has the 2 of you all to herself and loads of new things to look at. If it was 10 hours strapped to a car seat that would be unfair on her but it doesn't sound like it is.

Mrsjayy · 13/05/2015 18:11

Leave your husband at home take the baby with you

nickersinaknot · 13/05/2015 18:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whocansay · 13/05/2015 18:34

I agree with DH too. I think expecting a small child to do all that travelling is totally selfish tbh. Go on your own.

BillyBigchin · 13/05/2015 18:36

I think go on your own. That much travel will be hellish.

Bearbehind · 13/05/2015 18:38

I don't really get the additional hour being such an issue.

You've said youve booked accommodation on the Friday which isn't at the wedding venue so your journey time on the Friday hasn't changed. Why has DH suddenly kicked off now?

An additional hour on the Saturday is much less of an issue (not that it was ever a big deal) if it's not tagged onto the end of an already long trip.

DorotheaHomeAlone · 13/05/2015 19:10

20 hours travelling is a huge amount with a child that age. I think your DH probably thought it was a terrible plan to start with but agreed for your sake. The extra 4 hours (from his viewpoint) just tips it into ridiculous territory. If he works all week too how is this plan fair in him or your dd? Let them stay at home.

Original poster
Ninnypie · 13/05/2015 19:13

To all those saying they agree with DH, fair enough, but the wedding is in 3 weeks!

We've known about it since January and had our flights / trains booked since then. If he'd saod right from the beginning that he didn't want to go then perhaps I would have thought differently. But he agreed to everything and is only complaining now (probably as he just can't be arsed with it all himself).

I get it's a long journey for dd but after reflection I think this it about dh and not her. As said, we are used to travel. It takes 7 hours to see my dad and we do that fairly often. It's a hassle, granted, but doable.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ninnypie · 13/05/2015 19:17

Don't quite get your point of my plan being unfair, doro. Our plan - we agreed together to to a wedding of a friend of mine (but she also knows dh well) - now he's suddenly changed his mind.

OP posts:
ItsTricky · 13/05/2015 19:20

If he agreed enough in January to let you book flights and a hotel then he's BU now. An extra hour shouldn't be a dealbreaker. Are you driving from airport to venue? Can you drive half each so you both get time with dd in back seat? It's a long journey granted, but with planning it's doable. I bet your dd would love the wedding and being made a fuss of!

yummumto3girls · 13/05/2015 19:23

It's a very long journey, you really should have both taken an extra day off work and it would all have been a bit more bearable! Agree, you have to go for a good friend, too late for any of you to back out now!

Original poster
Ninnypie · 13/05/2015 19:23

Thanks Tricky, that's how I feel too.

We're taking the train after flight so dd will have all of our attention.

OP posts:
ItsTricky · 13/05/2015 19:25

Train = even better Smile

catlover97 · 13/05/2015 19:37

Can't offer anything constructive but I thought I'd post just for solidarity. I hate being put in a position where I have to compromise precious time with DH and DC because of someone else's extensive wedding plans! Hope you reach a solution which suits you with minimum agro regarding all parties...Flowers

bigbumtheory · 13/05/2015 23:18

Dh is very unfair then! So it's ok to drag you all to his peoples weddings which take the same time to get to but is different with yours, double standard and unfair no? Would he like you to have pulled this stunt back then too?

cariadlet · 13/05/2015 23:30

I think it's too late for DH to back out now. If he didn't want to go, then he shouldn't have agreed in the first place. He can't suddenly change his mind and let you and your friend down at this late stage.

As to whether that long journey would be too much for a child of your dd's age, it all depends on the child. Some posters have said that it's unkind and selfish to put a toddler through such a long journey, and I know that a lot of little ones would hate it.
But you know your own child and have already said that she is a seasoned traveller. If you know that she would be fine, then don't worry about it.

We've travelled with dd since she was 3 months, including plenty of long haul travel and she's always been fine. When she was about 2 we went to South Africa and Namibia. We had a few days where we literally drove for 10 or 12 hours, only stopping briefly to eat or for toilet breaks. It sounds horrendous, but actually dd loved it. DH found the driving tiring, and I found having to entertain dd (stories, songs, pretending games) tiring, but she loved the undivided attention!

JessieMcJessie · 14/05/2015 03:07

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Wibblypiglikesbananas · 14/05/2015 03:36

The travel will be fine. We're British but live in the US. We drove ten hours for a week's holiday with a 1 and 3 yo the other week. When we visit relatives in the UK, we regularly do an 8 hour flight, followed by a few hours' drive. It's only once, no one will die. I think your DH is looking for an excuse too.

Original poster
Ninnypie · 14/05/2015 06:11

Thanks for the recent replies apart from that from jessie which frankly is horrible and you clearly haven't read all the thread.

i spoke to dh and told him it's too late for him to chnage all of our plans now. We'll go armed with lots of snacks and toys and dd will love the attention. It's not a 10 hour car journey.

OP posts:
JessieMcJessie · 14/05/2015 06:32

I assure you I have read the whole thread.

Icimoi · 14/05/2015 07:00

In your situation I would definitely go on my own; in fact I wouldn't have contemplated the journey with a 15 month old if it were 9 hours each way. She may be used to travelling, but as children get older they find it more and more boring. I suspect you're all going to arrive tired and stressed which will make it difficult to enjoy the wedding and you'll all be exhausted when you get back. If you went on your own it would be relatively peaceful and stress-free by comparison; yes, you would miss your child, but it is only one weekend and you owe it to your friend to go.

If you are still determined that all of you will go, I suggest you at least make it slightly easier by substituting a taxi for the bus element of the journey.

NRomanoff · 14/05/2015 07:10

Great news!

Fwiw I flew long haul with both of mine when they were young, every year. When you look at the whole traveling time from leaving the house to arriving at the home in the US, it was 23 hours. I started doing it when dd was 18 months (she is now 11) and ds first did it a few days before his first birthday. They were fine, they love it. In fact shorter flights are so easy with them as they feel so much quicker for them.

Its 3 hours each way to my PILs and we do that there and back in one day.

mrsmalcolmreynolds · 14/05/2015 08:16

Given all you say about experience of long travel with DD, going on similar journeys to weddings for DH's friends and the fact that the travel after the flight is by train YANBU to think it's doable. Your statement that you would "just tell DH he needs to suck it up" is however very U! You're in a partnership not a dictatorship!

Original poster
Ninnypie · 14/05/2015 08:20

Thanks romanoff. Have juggled a few things around to improve the journey and break things up a bit which has appeased dh. He was clearly just wanting to cause a bit of trouble (his speciality - long story but he's annoyed as he has to take quite a few days off work this summer for weddings and they are all my friends).

Dd will be fine as long as she's not in a car seat which she isn't for any part of the journey. We can walk around with her and she will have our undivided attention.

I'm really happy it's sorted, there's no way I would have really missed my friend's wedding but I really wanted dh and dd to be with me too.

Thanks for all the useful comments.

OP posts: