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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Raging with PILs (and to some extent DH!) long, compicated, power, control, inheritence :-(

38 replies

MiddleOfChaos · 11/05/2015 21:30

I don't want to reveal too much but PILs are basically treating my DH as a puppet on a string and dangling inheritance as the carrot. He is involved in work with them, has been all his life, has little other skills and experience to move elsewhere. They will not allow him to pursue what he wants, but convince him to stay in a branch of the family business (in pretty much abstract poverty) with the promise that very soon it will be his, they will pass it over and he can develop it as he likes. For years now my dh has had his business plans and strategy for how he would do this and it is really, really impressive and inspiring but without the ownership or power to make any changes thy remain ideas until this promised day of ownership. 1 year ago he left and tried to pursue other things, it went badly for him being outside of his normal trade and hugely damaged his confidence. His parents promised him they would hand over his branch of the business (4 children who work in this) to him if he returned. Now we are back to square one - carrot dangling, DH's confidence so low that he is convinced this is the only way he can contribute to our family longer term, and Pils showing no inclination other than empty promises to allow him any freedom.
I am not upset about whether we own it or not - I am half of the opinion it is a curse rather than a blessing, but I am furious with m Pils and their treatment of my DH. If they just said No we want to hold onto this then DH could walk and find another career path - it'd be hard but he'd have no choice; Equally they could stick to their promise and say here you go make it work with your ideas and we'd go with that. But the position we are in is one where we have no control or power in decision making but DH does all the work for extremely little reward (i.e. free (he gets some of the profits and run as they want it to be run its makes no profit!!)). He s now only holding on as they keep saying and promising they will give him full control.
I cannot understand how they can treat their son like this - it is leading him to hove anxiety, huge amounts of stress and impacting every part of him. I am trying to support him and try to accommodate them but I just want us as far away as possible as I feel they like the power too much and will never relinquish control but the promise of doing so is enough to keep DH so that is what they do. MIL even said that she knew DH would 'fail' to find a job outside the industry. Truth was just as he was on the cusp of succeeding they reeled him back in again and at that time I supported it as I genuinely thought he'd be happy.
We've just had another conversation with them, same promises, same lack of action and I am left absolutely raging at them

OP posts:

suzannecanthecan · 12/05/2015 09:02

it sounds as if the parents believe that they own him

DisappointedOne · 12/05/2015 09:07

Wouldn't it be dreadful if HMRC decided to take a look at the "self employed" nature of the workers in the company.......

BettyCatKitten · 12/05/2015 09:22

Op, how old are pils and are they in good health?
Like pp said is he certain he will actually eventually have some control?
I completely understand your frustration.

VinoTime · 12/05/2015 09:22

OP, he needs to walk away.

I think a very honest conversation between the two of you with the right words thrown in could help him see the light. It's all very well you supporting him, but he needs to be able to support himself if he's ever going to claw his way out of this situation.

Does he have any ideas on what he would like to do? Where does he want to be in 5 and then 10 years? Would he like to go to university or do some training? Fundamentally, what would make him happy? If the answer is "running the family business", then to me it's the 'wrong' answer. Because it's making him miserable and that will start to impact your family, and having read your OP it doesn't sound like it's ever going to happen.

The best place for your DH sounds like a place far removed from a toxic environment and manipulative family members. But he needs to come to that conclusion himself before he's ever going to put the wheels in motion. He needs to realise that he is the one with the power to change all of this.

wonderingwoman64 · 12/05/2015 09:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Roseformeplease · 12/05/2015 12:18

I like the idea of HMRC. Why is he "self-employed". Can you be self-employed working exclusively for one company that you do not own? My understanding was that, for example, you couldn't be a self-employed cleaner and work exclusively for one person, cleaning only their house. In that case, you are considered an employee, with all the rights that go with that.

I would consult someone about his status.

CrystalHaze · 12/05/2015 12:37

I doubt HMRC would view him as self-employed. If he works for only one organisation and has no say in the terms of the work he does for them he is unlikely to be regarded as self-employed.

He needs to walk. Nothing will change, that much is clear. And however much this dangling inheritance is, is it enough to validate living half a life in misery and with no autonomy?

Yes, his confidence took a knock - so has the confidence of every single person in the employment market, at one time or another. He'll get over that.

They can only control him for as long as he passively allows them to do so. Cut your losses and move onto something new, it's the only way anything will change. There can be a change - but he needs to make that change himself, instead of waiting for the change to come from them.

Bodyinpyjamas10 · 12/05/2015 12:44

Not really sure there's enough info to give a sensible answer op but obviously see you don't want to be giving too much info away.

I am curious though about how much autonomy the siblings have and surely your dh taking control of one section wouldn't be fair if they are too subordinate to the pil.

I am sure your dh is skilled etc but that doesn't mean he has hard headed business acumen which pil presumably have had as employing all 4 kids in a family business implies success.

SuperFlyHigh · 12/05/2015 12:59

a boyfriend of mine was once in a similar position but there were only 2 siblings and 1 was involved in running the business (they gave the other sibling a chance but there were internal catfights with parents etc.

They then set it up so that 1 sibling (my boyfriend) got a salary or allowance whatever every month and I think he also had a say in the business but he decided to work external to that - in a charity where he gained good skills. I think before this he worked in IT but had trained for that.

These people were vairy well off though (I remember my SIL who was from his home town gasping when she heard what business it was) but ultimately I couldn't live with a sort of trust fund baby (I think a lot of money was tied up there) where I'd have to tiptoe round family, hear his gripes towards them re the business and also any professional life of my own would be vetoed due to his work... if I had got married to him! I was expected to be a SAHW/M and put up and shut up!

I would look into the self employed aspect and back pay as someone else Cats?) said this would be a very helpful lump sum. Also look into studying, working for competitors etc... Don't whatever you do get him to stay there regardless of the promises of a business but it may be worth him seeing if he's a shareholder/partner, is there an agreement, legal stuff etc that he is entitled to anything? He shouldn't have to lose out if he leaves the business.

Ultimately as many others say he needs to leave though, it'll erode his confidence more if he stays.

TheChandler · 12/05/2015 12:59

If he hasn't been self-employed all these years, HMRC are going to want to claw back an awful lot of underpaid NI contributions. Presumably he has been paying tax to them on a self-employed basis?

5Foot5 · 12/05/2015 13:42

I agree with BarbarianMum and others - how could you trust them that they actually will leave him a share of the business eventualy? It sounds more likely to me that they will control him like this for years for their own ends and then he gets nothing.

allmycats · 12/05/2015 15:20

Something odd here to me, you say that he broke away from the family business for a year or so and tried to persue other things outside his usual
area and that it went badly and failed - then his parents offerred him back into the family business and he is now back where he started. So, at which point was he starting to make a go of things and his parents lured him back into the family business ??

SquinkiesRule · 15/05/2015 14:36

Has your Dh had a talk with them or made plans to move on yet OP?

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