to be angry re DSC stealing from his mum?

[DaisyBD]

Last week it was DH's birthday. I overheard DSC1 telling DSC2 that he'd got their mum to transfer money to his account to buy DH a birthday present and that he'd used the money to buy a PS3 game for himself instead. Later the three DSCs (teenagers) gave DH their combined birthday present, which was a second hand plastic picture frame with the picture removed, and a box of cheap chocolates.

I was really shocked! Am I being too Victorian about this? I'm angry and upset on several levels. (1) at 16 he's old enough to buy his father a birthday present out of his own money, (2) he's stolen money from his mother, (3) his sibling also thinks this is fine, (4) all three of them think it's ok to give their dad a piece of shit for his birthday, and (5) DH also thinks it doesn't matter.

I'd have been upset if my own DC had given me such a present, not because I'm a grabby cow - although I am, a bit - but because I would feel that they don't really give a shit about me.

I think there are issues here (for me) about the step-parenting set up we have, and I haven't said anything to DH about it yet. However, I did talk to one of my DC (aged 18) and he had a row with DSC1 last night because DC thinks that DSC1 is treating his dad with no respect whatsoever. (In the interests of fairness, DC also didn't buy anything for DH's birthday, which I also think is crap - I do feel I can have a go at him though, which I have.)

What should I do, if anything? Am I overreacting?

2 is the kicker, but I guess that one is out of your control.

I would have thought it will come out in the wash - one of the other SC will tattle, or mum will ask what he bought for dad/where the new game came from.

Not unreasonable at all. I have 4 DS's and, although my DP (not their dad) had already said he'd got me a Mother's Day present, my dad decided to transfer money to my eldest (17) so he and his younger brothers could go shopping. Instead DS1 spent most of it on himself. I was very upset, it's not that he didn't buy me a gift well a bit I guess it's that he used money given to him in good faith and spent it on himself.

Tricky tricky,

I think you have to let them all know what you know and let them all
Know how you feel about it, with dhs backing.

So a convo around the table, keep it casual, no shouting, just a nod to them about respect, selfish behaviours, feelings, expectations etc? Leave the mum out of it, let the kids feed it back to her if they dare!

I would say-
It's totally up to you to spend your money on what you like, and budget for things. we feel a bit hurt that a new game trumped dads birthday and wondered if you could see that might hurt? Next birthday of yours instead of getting you the (blah blah/expensive gift) you would like, I could spend the ££ on a xxxc for me. But I wouldn't do that, I want to give you a nice gift that shows you we love you, we have given It some thought and we hope you'll enjoy it. We'd like to think that you'll do the same for us. Is that reasonable?

Then wait and see what they come back with.

2 and 5 are the most important things here.

I would care that he stole from his mother, but I wouldn't care particularly about the present.

Actually, are you sure he stole the money and didn't borrow it?

It doesn't excuse him not spending it on his Dad, if that's what his Mum lent it to him for, but at least it means he didn't steal it.

My 18yr old DSD didn't even get her own father a card on Saturday, which was his birthday. And yet wants him to pay for her accommodation for 3 years of uni. No idea if her mother gave her money for a card/present. She usually ensures a card is forthcoming though.

I meanwhile have to stay silent.

worra I'm not 100% sure he didn't steal it, but he was laughing about having scored the money from her for presents he wasn't going to buy, so I'm assuming he's not paying it back.

I think my inclination is to go with nilbyname's suggestion only I haven't talked to DH about it yet. I know he doesn't care about the present, he's the least materialistic person I know, but I have a horrible suspicion he won't care about the stealing either. I don't know how I would deal with that.

Alternative it's tough isn't it? Does your DH mind?

If I was the mum in that situation I'd appreciate a heads up, but appreciate you don't know how she'd handle it. Not an option if she was going to go in all guns blazing (but if I was her I'd have checked up on the present anyway)