to be a bit cross about cancellation of play date?

[Christophewouldgetit]

DD invited her friend, X, round for tea after school today. X has a brother who is in DS's class so it was agreed he would come too so both DC could have a play.

I've just been told that as X has been naughty over the weekend, the play date is now cancelled.

I know it's not the end of the world but both my DC have been really looking forward to it, I've bought in extra food (I know it's only two extra mouths to feed, and small ones but as a lp, I meal plan so this is annoying!) and it feels as if both DD and DS are being punished for something that X has done. DS is also quite young so it was the first time he'd had a friend round..

Not the best start to the week really... although on the plus side, I won't have to wrestle four children back from school and tidy up a train wreck if a house later.. but I'm still quite sad and angry really...

YANBU.

You can't punish a child by being socially inconsiderate to someone else.

I'm not trying to be funny here, I have Asperger's and often don't 'get' the subtle differences in social situations.

Why is it ok, if not positively encouraged, to cut short a day out/meal in a restaurant/soft play etc if one of your children is misbehaving, even though it punishes their (well behaved) siblings too? But it's not ok to cancel a play date due to behaviour, because that punishes the other child.

I wonder that, too, ChrohnicallyInflexible.

I do get cross with people who cancel play dates because their kid got a better offer, but I don't get cross if their kid is ill, or if their kid is grounded for bad behaviour. I want to support other people's parenting their kids just as I expect them to support me parenting mine, even if our methods differ.

because you choose the punishment for your own children, but when it turns into a punishment for other peoples children as well, it is a bit thoughtless

i just dont bother with flakey parents. my kids get disappointed and i have to rearrange my plans. there are many different punishment options available from time outs to groundings to confiscated items. its pretty poor to choose a punishment that affects other people.

Just remember that not everyone has the resources to give the children much in the first instance so sometimes 'You can't go to X's house now' is virtually the only punishment option the parent/s will have left.

I think punishment is a poor reason to cancel a play date.

But play dates do get cancelled and you need to be quite flexible to deal with the likely social life of two kids.

"Having a consistent pattern of discipline, and following through" = "being a flaky parent" now. Really?

Wow.

Crohnically- I guess because the former is less likely to have wasted as much of the other family's time as they've had at least some play/meal-time to enjoy?

I dunno tho. I wouldn't do that either actually if I had one child behaving.

My DDs are both the sort that would willfully misbehave just to spoil the day out for the other currently behaving sibling, so I don't let them have that power. One loses sweets or their tablet when we get home.

But it's not consistent. What will the parents do next time if there isn't a play date organized? It's lazy parenting and it's rude to the hosts. Like parents who threaten to cancel Christmas or take away birthday presents. It's desperation. If they actually had a clear and consistent method of discipline they wouldn't need to resort to this.

Ban telly, put toys away. It's just rude to walk away from someone else's effort and preparation. No one minds if kids are sick etc but choose your punishments so they don't affect others. I'm completely with you that cancelling parties and play dates for this reason is wrong.
But I know an awful lot of people don't think like that.

Could she not have let the dc who hadn't been naughty still come. Can see both sides but I'd be mortified of thinking of efforts you had made....supper etc.

Its a bit rough on your children OP.

However
Child X has a playdate they are looking forward to.

Child X misbehaves.

Parent removes the privilege of the playdate that child X is looking forward to.

I don't see that as flaky parenting at all.

I think it is more than a bit crap. And actually rather rude.

I think the natural consequences (amplified) are better punishments. Unless she punched someone else at another playdate that is….

One of my DS's friends was punished by not being allowed to come to his birthday party. His mother, however, brought him round at the beginning of the party, with a gift, and to apologise for not being able to come due to his behaviour. Hardcore. At least that acknowledged DS's disappointment and our wasted effort.

I think this sort of punishment sends a bad message - i.e. 'it's fine to mess other people around in order to fulfil your own needs' (the need in this case being for discipline).

There are plenty of punishments one can come up with. As a pp said - what if there hadn't been a playdate conveniently in the offing, what punishment would the parent have used then? Just use that one. Personally, I think punishments that are a natural consequence of the bad behaviour are best.

Completely different scenario for the parent whose child behaved badly on the playdate itself. Their bad behaviour would have been inconveniencing the host and it is entirely reasonable to remove them in that situation. Great example of a 'natural consequence'.