To feel I have let myself down and need to get a grip!

[OvertiredandConfused]

This might be long, so apologies. And I know many people will think it's trivial, but it's having a huge impact on my life.

For about 10 years, I was a size 18-20 (5' 10" tall). In 2012 I lost almost 4st and was a size 12 at most. For the first time since my early 20s, I felt good about myself and could wear the clothes I really wanted to wear.

Maintaining the weight was hard and I've now gained about 1st and am a size 14. My weight has stabilised so it's not a continual creep and my current weight is easier to maintain.

However, I hate how I feel and how I think I look. It's all on my tummy and I'm now carrying this round belly that means I feel uncomfortable and self-conscious in trousers especially. I saw some photos this weekend and just cried. My family think I'm overacting and it is true that my old "fat" clothes are still vast on me.

When I was dieting, I said I'd be happy at a size 14 and it is the size I was in my mid 20s when I was happy with how I looked (and I know it's the same size as I have a couple of dresses from then that fit me now) but, having been smaller, I just hate how I look.

Since I turned 45 earlier this year, it feels like my body has been invaded and I'm finding it much harder to loose the weight. Hard both in terms of willpower but also it isn't having the impact even when I do stick, for several weeks, to the same plan that worked before.

How can I get a sense of perspective? I've talked myself round in circles and I don't even know if I need to learn to like the body I've got, to get the discipline to change it or even whether it's realistic to expect to be able to change it again.

AIBU to think I should be able to get a grip?

YANBU I don't know what the answer is because I had the same issue and regained every ounce thanks to my fkd up head.
I'd say the first thing to tackle is self esteem and try to get rid of the negative body image. There are books that can help with this I'm sure but I wouldn't know where to start.

Sorry to hear you are feeling bad. I can relate to losing weight and feeling more like yourself and the disappointment of regain.

I think you need to cut yourself some slack. It does get harder to lose weight over time. And I think being at a higher weight but that is sustainable (and still overall smaller) is a real achievement that can't be overlooked. Sustainability of weight loss is the holy grail! I learned this the hard way with years of yo yo dieting.

I read this article the other day about how weight loss doesn't necessary = happy. www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/may/07/unlovable-fat-body-image-weight-loss-life-gain

I think the problem is dieting.

It doesn't work long term. All it causes is a feeling of self denial and that's not going to make you feel good.

How big are your portion sizes and do you snack between meals?

Almost everyone I know who is overweight, simply don't realise that their portion sizes are too big. Probably because they're comparing them to other people's portion sizes that are often also too big.

Cutting down slowly, bit by bit takes a long time but eventually many people find that the less they eat, the less they feel they need to.

Also, do you get much exercise?

I think it's important to feel happy and healthy. I can't tell from your OP if you are overweight or not. If you're actually a healthy weight then I would very kindly hand you a grip but if you are overweight then taking into account your unhappiness and the health impact of being overweight, I'd think about devising a new plan to lose the weight you want to lose.

I feel at 30 and then again at 40, my metabolism changed so I had to change my diet and my exercise regime. If you're finding it hard can you join a group for some moral support? I've resigned myself to the fact that I do need to log everything I eat, and that I need to make an effort to exercise much more than I'd like. And I still have about 1.5 stones to lose. I definitely don't have all the answers but I do relate to how you feel.

Watching with interest I can totally relate to you. I am only 5ft 2 so I feel like every pound shows on me.
It doesn't matter how many people tell me I am slim or tiny or look fab. I can see my belly wobble and I hate it. I went from a 12/14 to an 8 am currently a 10 but feel enormous, its irrational but I can't change it.
Sorry to hijack your thread but you're not alone. I think some of us will never be happy with our bodies.

I know what it's like, every gram I eat sticks around my middle at the front, I look like a ball with skinny arms and legs.

Have you tried cutting out the white fluffy carbs and doing specific exercises for a flat tum like the Pilates 100 and core strength exercises?

Be conscious of your belly muscles, try and hold your belly button to your spine and lift your pelvic floor for 10 breaths every 15 minutes.

Posture makes a big difference too.

I really feel for you Overtiredandconfused.
and I agree with all the posts above.

I think you've done brilliantly and you should DEF cut yourself some slack.

Also, you're 5'10". That's pretty tall. I'm 5'8" and I've managed to dodge being classed as 'obese' because of it (and I'm so, so overweight).

I've name changed because I think post will 'out' me. But basically a year ago, my DH and I looked at each other and said "we have to do something" and we joined a gym, and I went to the gym twice and then I tried the classes. Which we get free because of our (council) gym membership. And it was a bit of money for us to find, so we worked out how many times we need to go each week in order to break even.

And I am RUBBISH in all my classes. Really, I am so pants. Purple. Sweaty. Quite stinky. I can't keep up And I tell myself that I'm older than most people there (I've just turned 45). But there's usually someone there who is 10 or sometimes 20 + years older than me who is fitter than everyone else.

BUT, although I'm still overweight, my bodyshape is changing. I am more toned. I do LOADS of sit ups and things which help.

And I've made a pile of friends, which was an unexpected bonus.

And because I've been going for a year now, in some of my classes I'm one of the Queen Bees. People wait to greet me and are disappointed if I'm not there. And new people try and catch my eye because I am ESTABLISHED. (i.e. if they are on my radar - along with other people's - then THEY become "established" too) (in some of my classes - the harder ones [I do a weights thing] - I am invisible and insignificant and I hide at the back!)

I really recommend you try it. Apart from anything else, it will give you a sense that you're taking some control other than managing the food thing.

If this all makes me sound like I've got a massive ego and I'm really into myself, I PROMISE that's not how I am. I'm horrid and fat and lardy. My body's hideous and no one would ever in a million years describe me as 'gorgeous', least of all myself. But going to classes was hard and scary, but I did it and now I 'belong' and although I'm often the worst person, doing the least in the room, I can do loads more than I could this time a year ago.

I wish you so much luck, and your post struck a massive chord with me.

And I send you hugs. And I bet you don't look as bad as you think you do, but I do get that it's what in our heads that matters the most.

All the best to you. x

The weight definitely all sits around the stomach as you get older.

Not eating carbs helps, in particular wheat. Read "wheat belly" which is very enlightening.

Exercise will make you feel better and walk taller and a pair of big control pants to finish off with.

Yay to control pants!

YANBU! You sound really normal. Obviously, though, you do need to decide what to do because this state of affairs isn't making you happy.

If you decide you would like to lose weight then you can. It's possible at any age so don't let age be a factor. For loads of us, our weight and self-esteem are tied to together so don't beat yourself up for wanting to be a bit thinner - very normal.

How did you lose weight before? Would you want to do the same method?

I agree, it's not about losing the tummy so much as loving your body. Easier said than done. It's telling, don't you think, that your skinny body was hard to maintain - requiring sacrifice - yet this is the one you are mourning. How would you advise a poster who said her best friend or partner kept her constantly hungry, forced her to exercise, and went on about the importance of never gaining a kilo? I hope you'd say "Dump that twat!"

Now, I'm not saying you're a twat But you are inflicting vicious, damaging self-talk on yourself. Please stop this

My sister and I both have fat-generating health conditions and are over 50. We love our selves, despite coming from a family of eating-disordered fat fascists and both having been anorexic. The stuff that gets you there (here!) is small stuff, repeated often, and done with loving kindness. Counsellors are brilliant at this, and there's also a mass of helpful books, downloads and blogs on the topic.

You can start with things like using a really nice body lotion and applying it properly, with long & luscious strokes, after every bath or shower. You can start with affirmations, which feel daft when you start but genuinely do work. You can start with a new haircut and manicure. You get the idea ... treat yourself with the honest respect & admiration you deserve.

Good luck :)

Ha Ha Fatmomma99 - but what relief to get them off at the end of the day!!!

Understand you OP - you have done better than I have with losing the weight - and I am sure that at the weight and size/height that you are - you must look great. You just have to believe it.

Thank you all, especially those who're in a similar place. Really appreciate you sharing your experiences.

In terms of health, I am just (and I mean just) outside the healthy BMI range. What I eat is healthy and my diet isn't a faddy one - can't say more for fear of totally outing myself but my job means I do know about this and so am not fooling myself! It's an image and esteem issue rather than a health one.

I don't exercise, but I walk between 8k and 12k steps per day and work very had to by "physically active" for at least 30 minutes 6 days out of 7.

Because of my shape, control pants just pull it all together into a tidier, and more obvious, bump! About 15 years ago, when I first started gaining the weight, it was the dread of going through the looking pregnant stage that stopped me loosing weight. Now I look too old to be pregnant!

I will look again at trying some classes, although I don't get home until 7.30pm at night so it's hard to fit them in. But I will investigate.

Will also read up more on wheat. I don't eat much bread at all, but do have other carbs in moderation.

Cross-posted with Gralick.

I've done the haircut, manicure etc and am always well-presented. Are there any books / blogs you'd recommend? Your first para really reasonated.

What I probably should do is loose a small amount to make sure I'm in the heathy BMI range - and it is a measure that's appropriate for me - then learn to love myself at that weight and shape. I suspect that might be harder than loosing weight though!

Bit of an update

Finally got my summer trousers and dresses from last year out today.

On the plus side, most of the dresses were much better than expected and still look good. A couple of the jersey dresses cling in rather the wrong place and make me look pregnant, but otherwise pretty good.

However, trousers were another story.

Most of them won't even fasten, much less allow me to wear them and look decent or be comfortable. Feeling even worse now, especially as I'm going down to Cornwall in a week.

No quick fix, this is me in for a rotten, guilt-infested, hiding from the camera summer. Should've known it was too good to last.

*However, trousers were another story. sad

Most of them won't even fasten, much less allow me to wear them and look decent or be comfortable. Feeling even worse now, especially as I'm going down to Cornwall in a week*

Okay so quick wardrobe fix, maybe? Get some harem trousers from Next (or the lovely Hush ones) to tide you over - very flattering, holiday-ish, and no evil waistband, just soft, flowing jersey. And their very jean-like jeggings are most comfortable and flattering, with a slightly higher rise if you're conscious of your stomach.

They helped me no end in the summer after DC3!

Just wear dresses then! Problem solved.

I just watched the documentary Fed Up, it's available on Netflix. It was really enlightening. It reckons that people struggle to lose weight because we have given the wrong information - eat less and move more is a myth. the problem is processed foods, and all the crap they put in them. It's a bit long to explain the whole theory but it's well worth a watch, the evidence is quite overwhelming.

Radical self love- what you look like means shit all. Learn to adore yourself, inside out, not outside in.

If you put weight on your stomach then try to cut down on carbs and increase fat consumption to stop yourself getting hungry. Try it for 3 weeks.

I'm intrigued as to how 4 stone took you from 18-20 to a 12! I'm jealous! I lost 3 and a half and went from 20 to 18. What's your secret?
Also, I'm sure you are gorgeous.

No idea cardibach but it definitely did. I went from size 20 at 15st 8lbs to size 12 at 11st 12lbs.

I'll watch that Littlefluffy, sounds interesting.

I should be able to loose the weight again, it isn't even that much really, but finding the motivation is harder when I feel such a crappy failure.

I'm going to follow my (healthy) diet, and make sure I have no bread, religiously for six days, relax on holiday without being silly then try and do a month properly on plan and see where that gets me.