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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Bridesmaid choices

21 replies

LondonLady29 · 10/05/2015 18:27

Here's the background. I have been friends with five girls for over 20 years, we grew up together and as you'd expect our friendships have had their ups and downs but we have all supported each other through a lot at varying times. Two of our group of six are already married and each had the rest of the group as their bridesmaids. It's always been said we would all do this. I am very close to three of the girls who are genuinely lovely supportive friends. The fourth is someone I have nothing in common with and she makes zero effort with me. She's pleasant enough but a bit bossy and totally uninterested in anything that isn't to do with her. She will never come out with us or do anything more than a very occasional quick ten minute coffee and often cancels plans last minute. As such I don't know her very well now although we were close many years ago. The fifth is a very difficult person and has been a bit of a bully in the group but has suffered with depression so whenever she has been rude and unpleasant people accept it and allow her special treatment. She is very bitchy and flits between different people in the group having "favourites" then dropping people over some imagined slight and not speaking to them for months. When she's not being difficult she's good fun and has been a good friend. She has made it clear and actually said she doesn't like my partner at all and bad mouths him, although he doesn't like her either but will be peasant to her for my sake.

My issue is we have all made this kind of pact or verbal agreement that we will be bridesmaids for each other. The group is very intertwined. I'm worried if I don't ask them all then the two I don't ask (possibly plus some of the others) will be very bitchy and angry and it could sever my friendships with them forever. If I ask them all to be bridesmaids it would go along with the status quo and could get our friendships back on track and bring us closer. I feel like I need to have all or nothing. There aren't really any other people I would ask.

Partner thinks just the three I'm closest to but i don't know if it's worth the hassle.

OP posts:

froggyjump · 10/05/2015 18:32

have you got a sister or neice you could ask? It may be less obvious if you don't ask any of the group rather that some of them. Invite them all to the wedding as a group so they can have a good time rather than separating them?

Iloveonionchutney · 10/05/2015 18:35

I'd say just the three your closest too, though I understand your concerns. have you spoke to the three you are closest too about it, you might be doing them a favour by breaking the pact if they feel the same about the others.

Original poster

LondonLady29 · 10/05/2015 18:36

I don't have any close female relatives the closest are two adult female cousins but they are a bit older than me and married with kids and I only speak to them at family events.

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 10/05/2015 18:36

It is your choice who you have as BM, why should you have ones that don't care for you or are unpleasent just because of a pact, it's very silly. Groups change, people change. Do what makes you and yours happy.

froggyjump · 10/05/2015 18:40

In that case I'd go for just the ones you like - friendship groups change all the time, it's quite amazing that you are all still friends/in touch after 20 years. It may change the group dynamic a bit, but is that necessarily a bad thing?

TapDancingMollusc · 10/05/2015 18:40

Elope. :)

Or have a niece/cousin as a flower girl.

Or explain you're having a small wedding and you think it's best for just three.

It's your wedding. Your Big Day - have whatever you want!

I had 6 bridesmaids at my first wedding (25 years ago) . I am not in touch with any of them.

PHANTOMnamechanger · 10/05/2015 18:43

what about DP - does he have younger sisters/cousins/neices?

I think in the circumstances you either have to go for all of them or none of them TBH, anything else will cause too much aggro.

Or just go away abroad and have a very small wedding, then a big party back home afterwards?

Leviticus · 10/05/2015 19:18

In this situation I'd have them all unless it would somehow improve the wedding not to. I don't think choosing bridesmaids is the same as choosing godparents. It will be fun for them to be a group and you won't have to worry about hurting anyone's feelings.

honeyroar · 10/05/2015 19:43

Can you not take them all out for a drink and politely explain that you'd love to have them all, and always intended to, but finances are saying you can't. Tell them you're upset and worried that they'll fall out with you?

faitaccompli · 10/05/2015 19:45

Just have all of them! Unless it gives you problems financially, in which case, get them together and ask them what you should do.

AbbeyRoadCrossing · 10/05/2015 19:48

For this reason I didn't have best men, bridesmaids, maid of honour etc and just blamed money and no one was offended as there was no one in those roles. More money for food and booze anyway

honeyroar · 10/05/2015 19:55

I didn't have any either for that reason too AbbeyRoadCrossing!

Idefix · 10/05/2015 19:57

I think it is unlikely that you will be able to have the three only and not be involved in a massive fallout of some sort op. it sounds very complicated and very bound to get messy.
Not that it matters regarding what you decide but were you a bridesmaid to either of the two you don't want, nosey...
I think the only option that will not cause a lot of ill feeling would be source your bridesmaids from somewhere else.

Good luck.

momb · 10/05/2015 20:05

Is there any other reason you don't want 5 bridesmaids? I ask because both these friendships appear to ebb and flow but have lasted for years. Is it that you actually don't want 5 bridesmaids at all, or have budget issues for five?
Also, how far away is the wedding? My advice, for what it's worth, is to not assign roles until 6 months or less before the wedding, and then, if you are still friends with these girls, ask them as per the original understanding. If you have actually broken friends with them permanently before then you have legitimate reason to not ask them, but if you are a close group there needs to be a clear falling out before you can exclude them (given that the arrangement is a long standing one) without causing offence.

BackforGood · 10/05/2015 20:11

Picking someone to be a bridesmaid because of a childhood 'pact' is a bit daft, particularly if you are no longer close.
Having a great gaggle of bridesmaids is also a bit much.
So I'd say you choose between just asking 1,2, or 3 of the girls you are still close friends with, or not having any bridesmaids - the latter would probably be easier in diplomatic terms, but of course leaves you without any bridesmaids which a lot of people are very happy with but others would prefer to have one/some.

AbbeyRoadCrossing · 10/05/2015 20:16

honeyroar I'm quite a practically minded person too and I couldn't work out what they were actually for vs the expense. I was told to hold my flowers - I just put the flowers on the table when I signed the register. Much simpler and cheaper, everyone happy, more wine money!

When did you make the pact OP? If it's when you were kids I don't expect they'd expect you to honour it. Choosing half the group is awkward though, I'd go all 5 or 0.

Original poster

LondonLady29 · 10/05/2015 20:29

Yes one of the ones who I was bridesmaid for is the one who I'm not very close to. The pact was never an official thing just always conversations of "We'll be bridesmaids for each other". It's one of those friendship groups where with the first one I'm not close to, let's call her A, we are only linked now by mutual friends. We never text or call or do anything just us two she's just someone else in the group. The next girl, let's refer to her as K, is someone who I have had a much closer friendship with over the years. When I got with my DP she took a big dislike to him for no real reason and bad mouthed him to everyone in the group. She told me she didn't think we'd last. So I find it weird thinking I could have her as a bridesmaid knowing she actively likes my DP and he knows if all and thinks she's awful but would be prepared to go along with my decision. I also think a gaggle of adult bridesmaids is a bit much. I just don't know whether it's best to suck it up for the sake of peace and friendship long term or speak up and cause ructions in the group. FWIW the last one in our group to get married cursed K and her behaviour on numerous occasions, she's known for being difficult and rude but for her own reasons as mentioned above people try and be a bit lenient.

OP posts:

Idefix · 10/05/2015 20:48

It's really tough, but I guess it really will just boil down what you feel you can cope with.

Biscuitsneeded · 10/05/2015 21:15

I would tell a white lie and tell them all that you are really looking forward to having them at your wedding, but you have had a good look at finances and you can only afford one bridesmaid, and as you couldn't POSSIBLY choose between them you feel it wouldn't be fair to have any of them. Then pick one very good friend you know from elsewhere (university/college/job?) who you are sure is a friend for life to be your one bridesmaid, but give each friend in the group a special role/job/honour for the day. If their feelings are hurt and they are childish enough to be sniffy about it then I'm not sure they are such good friends anyway. It seems like a big deal now but if they are true friends they'll still be in your life in 20 years' time and no-one will care who was bridesmaid for whom.

CrapBag · 10/05/2015 22:08

I would have your 3 real friends, because the other 2 aren't are they. You can always tell them that you won't have someone who openly dislikes and badmouths your DF and the other that you are only having close friends due to finances. If they get the hump does it really matter? They aren't real friends.

SweetAndFullOfGrace · 10/05/2015 22:12

Don't have bridesmaids? I didn't, just a couple of my close friends helping out while I was getting ready but no matching dresses or official positions. Much less stress.

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