To feel like my friend has been quite judgemental

[LucieMay88]

I have a friend who moved to the UK from America a few years ago. On the day that the Conservatives won the election, she posted lots of status updates on Facebook about how happy she was. One of these updates was a long rant about how lots of British people are not willing to work for what they have and that they feed off the benefits system in a way that her American friends would find shameful and shocking.

Now, I don't support the Conservatives and I understand that people have the right to vote and think what they want. As a fairly recent immigrant, she could not vote anyway. I'm just a bit taken aback by what she's said about British people on benefits. She is from quite a privileged background so I can see why it might be hard for her to sympathise but I feel like what she's said is a bit off.

I know a number of people claiming benefits. Some are friends who have been made redundant or have fallen on hard times. Others are family members who are disabled and can't work. In my experience, most people claiming benefits are not proud of it and are not smugly abusing the system as she claims. I know it exists but I don't think that most people are like this.

AIBU to feel a bit differently towards her for making such a generalisation and being so judgemental about people less fortunate than her?

Errr yes, no, maybe?

More importantly, what did you say to her about it?

You could fling stats at her, demonstrating how wrong she is. You could express relief that someone with such little interest in how people in her community live has found a home among equally materialist uninterested friends or. Defriend / block. Move on. Maybe she's pathetically trying to make nice with some people she thinks will be impressed.

The differences between welfare systems in USA and UK are quite marked, and it's not surprising that she has a different perspective on it.

Have you told her how you feel about it?

I think we get a lot of 'you haven't been in the situation so don't understand' arguments chucked around on mn. In our own way we are all naive as we have only lived our own lives and have the knowledge/ understanding/ education that we have.

I haven't said anything because I haven't seen her and it's not the sort of thing I'd want to discuss on Facebook or over texting.

I'm not sure whether to say anything anyway, as she's entitled to her opinion. I'm just a bit surprised as I had no idea she felt that way. I have a close family member who is severely disabled and my family have had to fight to prevent their benefits being cut in the recent past. I just wish she wouldn't post things like that as I did feel a bit upset when I read it.

As someone above said, the US has a very different welfare system with much less support for the vulnerable. Many otherwise quite reasonable friends of mine over there have no issue with this. So she will have been raised with a very different idea of what a benefits system should do.

I think that its interesting you haven't ever really talked to her about this type of stuff. I'm pretty dead on the old centre line with politics and as a result spend hours challenging both lefties and righties on their views.

Talk to her, educate her.

In your position if you don't want to message her I'd be picking up the phone if I were that upset. I'd feel continuing hurt and resentment otherwise.

YANBU. I'm British and live in the US. One of the main reasons we will not stay here permanently is this kind of attitude - as though helping those who are in genuine need is some kind of crazy socialist ideal. I'm constantly surprised at the number of people who treat those who are poor/ill/disabled as though it's somehow their fault. Often, though not always, there is an element of racism wrapped up in all this too.

I know which value system I'd rather believe in. And ask her if she's seen Sicko.

The political culture in the US is very very different, and there is a very different conception of what the State's role is and how far it should intervene into the lives of its citizens, even on the mainstream "left" in the US.

Having lived in both places I am sometimes now a bit shocked by the extent to which people here expect "something to be done" by the government on various issues - not talking specifically about welfare here, but on many different issues. We accept a far higher degree of state intervention and control than in some other comparable countries. It's not surprising that she would pick up on this.

Well, she will certainly alienate some people- she's alienated you - although perhaps she will strengthen other friendships by trumpeting that point of view.

If you do approach her, perhaps put it to her that way first, gently reminding her that the country is quite divided at the moment, and perhaps it would be better to let passions cool rather than going in with that sort of categoric statement. If she doesn't seem to care, you could make it a bit more personal, by gently telling her she's upset you, due to your loyalties and experience, which are far out of line with what she has said. If you give her a chance, she may change her stance without losing face.

However, if she doesn't care, even when you've explained how you come to this question, then she's done her job of alienating you, and the divides in society have come between another set of friends.

YANBU - sadly I'm not surprised about Facebook, it must be a hell-hole at the moment - I came off 3 years ago - people aren't 'taught' how to use social media - they never bother to think about how they come across. It is often more extreme, objectionable, offensive, than they imagine. Maybe just attention-seeking as well.

It's too easy for people to stab away at their phone or computer, gushing out opinions, and forgetting how many people they are affecting (I think the average Friends count is about 200 people)

Worse still, it gets reinforced by everyone on there behaving the same way (badly).

I don't know the answer, I solved my own problem by de-registering, but I know Facebook is still popular - maybe 'pick your battles' is useful for Facebook use! Its too chock full of spouted out bollox to be able to control people's behaviour

As long as the welfare state exists there will be ignorant fuckwits who will trot out the same old rhetoric about it. Sadly social media gives them an easy, ready made platform to do that.

The political culture in the US is very very different, and there is a very different conception of what the State's role is and how far it should intervene into the lives of its citizens, even on the mainstream "left" in the US.

This is very true. The political center in the US is considerably to the right of the political center of the UK and this can be a bit of culture shock on both sides of the Atlantic. However, I certainly think she should temper her remarks with the realization that she is living in a country with a different attitude about the role of the state and that maybe she should accord that a measure of respect rather than just transporting her American political sensibility into the UK election.

I just want to say that we are not all like that. I am American (been here 18 years) and whilst I am moderately left of centre here (and gutted about the election), I am considered far left or progressive over there. There are a lot of people like me over there but not as loud vocally as people like OP's friend.

people aren't 'taught' how to use social media - they never bother to think about how they come across. It is often more extreme, objectionable, offensive, than they imagine. Maybe just attention-seeking as well.

It's too easy for people to stab away at their phone or computer, gushing out opinions, and forgetting how many people they are affecting (I think the average Friends count is about 200 people)

Yes, yes! It seems to be beyond some people to tailor what they say to their audience.