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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To wonder when divorce might be the answer?

31 replies

Nativity3 · 09/05/2015 18:05

At what point would you say to yourself "enough is enough" and leave?

Some examples:

Wife had broken leg (on the mend but still most of leg in plaster) and a sickness bug plus a screaming 9 month old baby. Husband refuses to help wife walk baby up and down as he feels 'a bit queasy'. Goes up to bed and leaves wife to try and walk child up and down the living room with a broken leg while vomiting into a bucket every 10 mins. Doesn't reappear till morning Angry

Wife upset after brother in law died and husband shouted at her to stop feeling sorry for herself. Offered no sympathy and was just nasty about it.

Leaving him has been mentioned once or twice but he made it very clear that because he controls all their money, he would royally screw her over. She has no access to the online bank accounts as he refuses to give password.

Wife had I jury requiring stitches which meant she needed to sit in a funny way. Every time he walked past he claimed her leg was in the way and shouted at her and told her she didn't need to rest her stitches like that.

He cannot see he has done anything wrong and feels very hard done by in life. Wife took dd shopping today and he rung up at 3pm (they went at 9) asking where they were as he wanted lunch. Hmm

Angry I feel stupidly emotional writing this. Not to mention pretty angry!

OP posts:
guinnessgirl · 09/05/2015 20:36

Divorce is definitely the answer in this case. what a sad, nasty, selfish and arrogant man this husband is. Softly softly, ducks in a row first, then - GO.

OhMittens · 09/05/2015 20:51

"he made it very clear that because he controls all their money, he would royally screw her over".

AFAIK, in the UK, as a married couple, the courts start from a position of a 50:50 split and take it from there.

What the wife would need is some savings and a plan of practicalities before taking any divorce action, assuming she or the children are not in any immediate danger. Living arrangements, clothes & transport should be figured out in advance.

Nativity3 · 10/05/2015 18:35

Thanks all, will pass this advice on :)

OP posts:
silverglitterpisser · 10/05/2015 21:03

Definitely time for divorce ,yesterday if possible. This is cold-hearted, emotional abuse n there is nothing to be gained by staying in a marriage like this.

OnTheRoadToLTB · 10/05/2015 21:59

What the wife would need is some savings and a plan of practicalities before taking any divorce action

Can you be more specific? Divorces take ages to process, what would she do for accommodation, finances, in the meantime?

KurriKurri · 10/05/2015 22:48

The wife can go to citizens advice and get the times for a free session with their legal dept. - she will probably have to queue but its worth it - if you are friend, perhaps you could go with her, two pairs of ears help to take everything in, take a notebook, write everything down. Also she can get info about women's aid and organizations who help women in abusive relationships from CAB. She can also get a free hour of advice from many solicitors - and can get a list of local solicitors who deal in family law from the CAB. I would save the free session with the solicitor for when she decides one way or another about divorce.

I've been in and escaped from an abusive relationship. They always say they will royally screw you over, it is a means of keeping control because control is what these men are all about. He will try to stop her getting legal advice, because he doesn't want her to be armed with facts and info. My solicitor told me that all abusive men try to stop you getting advice because they don't want you to know what you are entitled to, and because she is being abused she is believing what he tells her about being screwed over. It isn;t true.

I didn't tell my abusive partner I was getting legal advice until I had the divorce underway. A divorce is decided according to need and according to what is fair for both partners - its a no blame system, she will get what is fair and he will be required to produce financial details, if he doesn't he will be threatened with court action, if he lies he will get into trouble.

He will threaten, he will manipulate he will try to make her feel stupid and useless. I had whispered threats of 'if you dare go to a solicitor I will make sure this gets very very nasty and you will regret it' I carried on and the fact that I was reclaiming my life gave me strength, It is hard, abusive people are frightening and they will do anything to keep control.

It is hard, and it is along road - divorces don;t come overnight, and she will get a lot of shit thrown at her by him during the process, so she will need all the support her friends and family can give, but when you get an abusive person out of your life you start to understand how abnormal your life has been, you start learning to live again, and start regaining your self esteem.

It took me years to get out of my relationship, I wish I'd done it earlier, I wish someone had told me, 'this is wrong what he is doing, leave him' but I was downtrodden and brainwashed by him. I hope your friend can make the break and start living the life she deserves. x

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