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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not go to wedding

24 replies

bouncingbelle · 08/05/2015 19:23

Had a falling out with DHs sister a few years ago when she tried to slap me and never spoke to her since. DHs other sister is now getting married and we have all been invited to the wedding. The wedding itself is very small and a larger party will be held in the evening. I said to DH I would only go if his elder sister apologised for her behaviour (she knows she was out of order - she's told everyone this except me) but she refuses to. I'm now being made to feel bad for 'creating an awkward situation' by refusing to go to the wedding - but I'm not stopping DH from going! It feels like I'm getting all the blame here when I wasn't the one at fault! I suggested I might go to the evening do where there will be more people to 'dilute' the tension between me and SIL, but MIL (and DH) are more concerned about what people will think about me not going to the wedding than my feelings about it all. I don't want assaulted again! DH says bride to be wants me there and none of this is her fault (true) but in that case she needs to speak to her sister about it,not me!

AIBU by not going? Should I just grit my teeth and go??

OP posts:

MangoJuggler · 08/05/2015 19:28

I know slap sister is in the wrong but you can't attach conditions that sister getting married has no control over.

So, do attend the whole shebang, head high. Upper moral ground etc.

BolshierAyraStark · 08/05/2015 19:28

Yes I think you should tbh, keep your distance from the horrible SIL & be happy for the nice one who is getting married & wishes for you to be there. The wedding may be small but you don't have to associate with her, why should you miss out on attending this happy event with your DH?

hedgehogsdontbite · 08/05/2015 19:29

YABU to want the bride to get involved. It's not her drama.

inlectorecumbit · 08/05/2015 19:32

Your issue is not with the bride it is with her sister, YABVVU and childish not to attend the wedding.
You don't have to talk to or indeed spend any time with your SIL-you never know she may just apologise to you there.

Original poster

bouncingbelle · 08/05/2015 19:33

Maybe I worded it wrong, I don't think bride should get involved, but nor should she blame me for not going when she knows why.
DH has tried to speak to slap-sister but she refuses to apologise.

I am listening to the comments telling me I should go, is giving me food for thought as I was Convinced I was in the right!

OP posts:

Mrsstarlord · 08/05/2015 19:35

YABU
Don't spoil DSIL wedding because 'she started it and hasn't said sorry'

NRomanoff · 08/05/2015 19:35

YABU to use someone elses wedding as a tool to get the apology you so desperately want. Go to the wedding and don't speak to the one that slapped you.

Its not the non slapping sisters fault and she shouldn't be made to be involved to appease you.

Am I the only one wondering why she tried to slap you?

choli · 08/05/2015 19:35

Have to agree with the previous posters. This is your SIL's wedding, don't make it all about you. Just go and be civil, rise above it.

NRomanoff · 08/05/2015 19:37

yes you are asking her to get involved.

bride wants you to go your response to that was DH says bride to be wants me there and none of this is her fault (true) but in that case she needs to speak to her sister about it,not me!

Why should she? Why can't you just go and not speak to the one you aren't speaking to. Is she really likely to try again, at her sisters wedding?

SoldierBear · 08/05/2015 19:38

Yes, you should go.
For the sake of nice SIL.

And also because it will probably piss off slappy SIL

Nervo · 08/05/2015 19:40

YABU

Nice sister has done nothing to deserve this drama.

It sounds as though any apology from slap sister would be insincere so I wouldn't want one.

Why should you miss out and nice sister be caused stress? And by the way, if you don't go you will look like the unreasonable one, not slap sister.

Go.

PerspicaciaTick · 08/05/2015 19:42

But this happened years ago.
I think it is time to move on and the wedding seems like the ideal excuse to be at the same event as slap-SIL without losing face.

Allwayslookingforanswers · 08/05/2015 19:42

Yabu. Go to the wedding, be super polite, charming and leave the bride to her arrangements.

chinam · 08/05/2015 19:47

YABU, I would understand if you didn't want to go to the wedding of the sister who tried to slap you but this SIL has done nothing wrong. You are also putting your DH in an awkward position.

Original poster

bouncingbelle · 08/05/2015 19:51

She tried to slap me because she was outrageously drunk and in some way felt I shouldn't be getting fertility treatment because she wasn't (if it sounds irrational,it's because it was). She then said some terrible things, including how 'i was the worst thing ever to happen to their family') - quite insulting considering she married the towns biggest drug dealer!

You are right, any apology would be insincere, I just hate the way the whole family put up with her ridiculous behaviour with no consequences for her.

I honestly thought it would be easier for the close family to have a nice time at the ceremony if I wasn't there to be the cause of any tension and just see the bride and groom in the evening. Maybe I am being unreasonable in that case.

OP posts:

Littlegreyauditor · 08/05/2015 19:52

Go, looking fabulous. Be icily polite. Chant to yourself, if you have to, "I am rising above".

Revenge is living well. People will remember you had class, rather than remembering you caused a whole fuss (and forgetting the original cause).

If nothing else it will drive slappy SIL mad.

Mrsstarlord · 08/05/2015 19:54

Don't be the cause of tension then. Be pleasant and don't make an issue of it

honeyroar · 08/05/2015 19:55

Its years ago. You should have just gone and stayed out of nasty sister's way, or politely declined if you weren't capable of quietly attending and avoiding/biting your tongue. By causing a fuss and demanding an apology you've made a drama and stress for the bride. The sister should have apologised years ago, you were in the right then, but it's too late to demand again and drag it all up.

HeyDuggee · 08/05/2015 19:56

How was it of no consequence when she admitted to everyone but you she was wrong?

She embarrassed and humiliated herself but you won't let it go. Is it that what she said in her drunken stupor was what you suspected she felt all along?

If that's the case, then what's the point of the apology? It's how she feels that you actually have a problem with and she still feels like that, doesn't she?

Charlie97 · 08/05/2015 19:58

So what will your RSVP say, I'll come if you make other SIL apologise?

You can't do that, you either accept the invitation or you decline the invitation.

But by declining you have set a precedent that you will not attend future events, therefore SIL will have the upper hand.

I would go if I were you!

Original poster

bouncingbelle · 08/05/2015 20:18

She's never liked me but it never really bothered me that much. There's no reason to it as far as I can see. I just keep getting the blame for " breaking up the family" from MIL (DH didn't speak to sister fir a year following her behaviour that night as he witnessed it) whereas it's slap-sister who has made no conciliatory gestures over the last 2 years (ie no invites to Xmas/new year/birthday parties) whereas I did invite her to DH,s birthday for MIL's sake (she didn't come). I'd be quite happy to just ignore her at wedding but I feel it would create an atmosphere for everyone else (only 10 people at wedding). I declined hen do invite by saying I couldn't afford it.

Was just going to say I wasn't able to make wedding but wished them well and not give a reason I AM bad for holding grudges, but would never do anything to ruin brides day (hence thinking it would just be easier all round if I wasn't there as obviously slap-sister, as sister of the bride,wouldn't want me there).

Seems the general consensus then is to go, be nice to everyone I like, be civil to those I don't (and annoy slap-sister by my very presence ). Thanks for the reality check :)

OP posts:

hibbledibble · 08/05/2015 20:29

I'm glad to hear you are going op.

You would be unreasonable not to go. The poor bride wanTS you there.

Be civil with other sister and have a great time.

Meerka · 08/05/2015 20:44

No, go to the wedding and be yourself to the bride, and avoid the SIL. Your relationship with the two is separate. YOu're entirely right to want an apology from SIL, but it's not the bride's fault, doing or responsibility. Separate the two.

Purplepoodle · 08/05/2015 21:38

Glad your going and nothing wedding about u. Have you thought she might be horribly embarrassed still. A wife of dh friend did something similar to me and has avoided me like the plague ever since 8 years ago. It's a bit sad really as don't hold a grudge but she actively avoids me at every turn

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