Would you trust this friend, did she gossip or is this my reality check?

[Tice]

A little light relief from the election!?! (not)

OK, small village setting...

Have a friend who has been a good listener and kind, I have done the same (not a one-sided friendship), recently I have put myself out for her and been taken a bit for a ride, but took it as a bump on the road and carried on. I have recently separated and she is friends with my ex too, and fair play. I trusted her with some personal stuff, she with me and I felt I was in a friendship, despite the wobble, but now this...

I have our children in our old home and two weeks ago the police came round late on Saturday night. The police helped me with a problem between my children (one had screamed really really loud and a passer by had called) the male PCs were really kind and the one told my one dc exactly the same as I had about lashing out and how easily things can go wrong. They left and that's the end of it with them.

Obviously this was of interest in the neighbourhood, and I knew would be talked about. I was mortified they had been called but am big enough to wear that we are not perfect and the dc's are safe, and I'm not a nutter. Sunday morn I contact my ex and tell him what has happened. That eve an old friend call her Sue arrives at my house and stays over-night Sunday. She is has a laptop (relevant). She left Monday.

Tuesday comes, and I have my ex coming round (he is local) telling me that an immediate neighbour to me had rung our mutual friend, who had rung my ex saying that...a car had been seen in my drive, and a lady with a clipboard had got out and it was assumed she was a social worker and (ala Jeremy Kyle I presume) I was 'in trouble'. Mutual friend was ringing my ex because he 'ought to know'. He obviously already knew it was not and cut her off. OK, sorted but I feel like I'm being spied on! Well I am but a friend 'telling on me' to my ex?!

Ex has asked that I do not reveal to her that he told me she had rung.

So here I am Mnet - no one to sound this off against -

My plan is to forgive and move on and let this friendship become an acquaintance, as the complications with her being friends with us both (Ex and I) don't work for me, and now I add this to the previous bump and I feel a mug (and vulnerable for what I've shared as shes in with the gossip crowd)

I've experienced cut-offs and read the threads about how hard it is to receive and I don't want to cut her off but I do want lots of distance - she's been on the phone saying don't be a stranger etc as I presumably am meant to know nothing about her calling the ex.

very messy Urrgh

Really astounded at the temerity of some people to poke their noses into other peoples business despite not having any of the facts. The sheer gall! no thought as to the pain they are causing the people concerned, just an intense need to find out stuff that is absolutely non of their business.

Sorry i can't add anything more useful I'm just quite angry on your behalf!

I have our children in our old home and two weeks ago the police came round late on Saturday night. The police helped me with a problem between my children (one had screamed really really loud and a passer by had called) the male PCs were really kind and the one told my one dc exactly the same as I had about lashing out and how easily things can go wrong. They left and that's the end of it with them.

Where the hell do you live that police are called for siblings screaming at each other ? not that I condom that but it happens - I suppose if they are quite old teenagers and there was some shoving to - more understandable I suppose.

I'd be polite and very distance with her and make sure she knows as little as possible about you and your situation- I think she shit stirring as she is enjoying the drama.

I think your plan sounds very reasonable. Should she confront you about the distancing you might just say it's too tricky being friends with ex's friends just now. Otherwise, try to reduce friendship to short coffees, perhaps. Even if just for a while.

Sounds like your friend has too much time on her hands.

Very upsetting for you, and not the support you could do with given what you're going through.

I think your plan to distance is very sensible.

I think you definitely can't trust her, she might say she's just looking out for you but the reality is she's gossiping about you behind your back.

I live in a small village too, if one of my local friends thought I'd had a visit from social services they would be straight on my doorstep asking what was going on and what they could do to help. They certainly wouldn't be on the phone to someone else talking about me, I think she's actually trying to stir up problems with your ex.

I don't think I'd be able to let this go, I'd probably go against your ex's wishes and confront her.

If I didn't do that I'd certainly go round all your immediate neighbours to explain about friend with laptop staying and that someone's jumped to conclusions and been spreading rumours that it was social services. I'd act very outraged and hopefully shame the offending party into keeping their nose out in future. But then I am the confrontational type and wouldn't accept my neighbours behaving like this without a fight.

I would be very tempted to say something along the lines of, 'Some idiot saw my friend with her laptop, assumed it was a social worker, and told Ex that social services were investigating me. What a tit!!'

But I suspect your way is the more grown up and sensible, Tice.

With regards to the previous poster asking about police being called out to screaming kids - this actually happened to my sister.

Her daughter was extremely difficult as a pre-teen and used to have screaming fits when she didn't get her own way. One day she did it really loudly over something silly, think it was because my sister wouldn't let her out to play and one of their neighbours called the police (rightly so, it probably sounded like someone was being murdered!) - she had a similar experience of police on the doorstep to check that everything was ok. The police could see she was a single mum trying her best with a very difficult child and were very supportive. They must get it fairly often, I suppose.

If there were police and what you could reasonably suspect to be social workers turning up at my ex's house while my children were there, I'd appreciate being told. My children are more important than adult friendships.

Cut this woman off if you want, but I think she's probably just someone that tried to do the right thing in a difficult situation but got it wrong.

She didn't know that your ex was already aware, but if he hadn't known, then he should have done, and if she's his friend too, then I can't see the problem with her telling him.

No one reasonably assumes a person with a laptop is a social worker.

Someone's having fun trying to create drama and gossip out of nothing. Neighbour first, then friend. Although I suppose friend kinda gets a bit of a get out as she was told a social worker. She might have thought she was doing the right thing in getting you a bit of extra support from ex?

It's the lying neighbour who is the real problem.

I'd be tempted to do the 'good lord you won't believe this! Some nutter saw my friend visit me and has been spreading it round that it was a social worker visit! Who on earth would imagine any visitor to your house must be a social worker, just because she was carrying her work stuff. Don't people realise women have jobs these days?' to a few of the neighbours.

I'd have to say to her "I believe you told ex I'd had a visit from a social worker" and see what she says.

is it possible your ex is lying in some way about this?

Why do people believe that social workers carry clipboards? What do they think we would use it for?

I'd drop her as a friend - she obviously thinks that you wouldn't tell your ex something as important as an incident involving the police that brought a social work visit.

She should at least have said to you "X told me they saw a social worker round after the police visit, is everything ok?" Then if she thought you weren't passing info onto ex asked, "Have you told ex? Do you not think you should?"

If she was a decent friend she'd have phoned you to say "BTW, so you know, nosy at number 43 is ringing folks and telling them you've got a social worker in your house..."

Is ex telling the truth?

I think it's unreasonable for your ex to have asked you not to say anything to "friend". I think you have every right to confront her and tell her to mind her own business from now. If she asks why you have been distant, you should be able to tell her the truth.

I agree with whonickedmy name. I'd have to say something to her!

I'd ask her about it outright, & I'd tell her that I don't appreciate her telling tales to my ex!

Who needs friends liker her?....she sounds like an awful gossiper who loves drama and meddling in other people's lives. Not a good friend in my opinion!

Hang on, presumably both she and your ex know you are a good mother right?

She wasn't necessarily 'telling on you'. She might well have thought if it was a social worker your ex might have wanted to dash over and give you some support?

Hi and thank you for the replies and the time you all took to step into my shoes - it really help see the woods clearer.

The hints on how to out myself as knowing gave me a laugh and I know the clipboard thing so wonderfully cliched! Give over it was a Sunday evening, the dog was beside himself with excitement and we hugged and laughed. The car stayed over-night? Oh definitely a social worker then.

Sure its possible the ex is making it up, his style is more to over-egg stuff, gallop off, and even with that filter on I do believe she passed on the nosy neighbours assumptions and I cant find a place to trust friend the same. Excuse / reason maybe, but trust from now on -na. The background to the split is abuse, and she knew he was more likely to turn against me than support me. I stayed with him for many years because he threatened me with losing the children. She knew that.

Hardest thing I had to do was telling him on the Sunday morning, knowing he might take a run with it. There is no meat in any concerns with the dcs and safety, so as it is he's been at the school gates making accusations as to who called the police. And that was directly after I asked him for the sake of the dcs to let it go. All things that result in me talking at length with him, making a cup of tea and going over the same ground. Which is quite possibly what he was hoping it would result in.

Sitting back I see this turn of events as a repeat of our relationship in mini -I give something up to keep the peace - the mutual friend this time - and its all too close with him for comfort with him if I have anything more than minimum to do with him.

Have to turn this to be glad this lesson came up; the screamer has had a wake-up too... no more having-my-leg-chopped-off protests over putting pjs on, being told no to a biscuit etc so there is a quieter house too; the two dcs are closer; I know the level of wit the curtain twitchers have; my friends loyalties are clearer; ex continues to be ex and reset distance ometer.

and,

thank the stars for m-net. Very much. xT

If she had genuine concerns, the thing to do would have been to call you, ask you what was happening (possibly warning you that your neighbour was clearly a bit over-involved) and offer her support. Going to your ex on the say-so of someone else without bothering to check a) whether it was true and b) whether you actually needed a friend rather than someone to intervene in your relationship was at best thoughtless and at worst a deliberate attempt to inveigle herself into a situation in which she had no need to be involved.

She may be a mutual friend to the pair of you but I think she's chosen her ducks in this fight. I'd ask her straight out and wait for her rambling excuse. I would also go down the 'some nutter assumed a, b and c the other night' with your neighbours.

Small villages, hate this part of them.

Reading your OP surely your anger should be directed at the neighbour who started the ridiculous story in the first place? Your friend was rung by your neighbour and, thinking you were being interrogated by social services, called your ex. I'd do the same, thinking that he would be the best person to go and help (seeing as it's about his dc).

Why are you mad at her rather than the nosy lying neighbour!

I would distance yourself from her on the grounds that she is still friends with your ex. She actually sounds like the type of person that has to be friends with everyone, and just agrees with everyone and tells people everybody else's business for her own gain. In the book 'Queen Bees and Wannabees' women/girls like her are referred to as 'the banker', which basically means they go from person to person gleaning gossip and then telling others.

I guess WierdCatLady because I did not expect better of the the immediate neighbour, but even given this friends association with them I did expect better of her because she also knows what a terrible embelisher my neighbour is.

More I think about it I was a mug to think better of her - this same friend who phoned my ex also told me a huge secret entrusted to her by this very same immediate neighbour. not nice to squeeze juice out of people's loyalty. The banker indeed.

My instinct is that there is danger in thinking I could say anything to put her right. Shame, there are nice bits about her but this is not worth it.

All your replies, thoughts and support have strengthened me, thank you all. Tx

What friend in their right mind passes on information like that your abusive ex. We had a situation where someone told my dd's violent ex that she had taken the baby out uncovered in the rain and with a temperature (a complete lie). He fortunately did not take it seriously and when we found out who it was we didn't take it seriously because she is just a sad stupid bitch, but if she had been a friend that would have been the absolute end of that friendship.

sure your ex isn't making this up?

I have to ask has anything else you've ever told her (and maybe other people) gotten back to your ex? From what you've said I'd say she was feeding him ammunition against you.