Unhealthy husband

[Sussexbelle73]

There is a 13 year age gap between my DH and me- he is in his mid 50's. He has high blood pressure, high cholesterol and takes tablets. He is overweight and does no exercise.
He just won't do anything to get healthy and I am finding it increasingly difficult to deal with. He forgets to take his tablets for weeks on end, eats shit food and sits on the sofa.
I have tried everything to help him make changes- we eat healthy homecooked food every day, i only buy healthy stuff at home and yet he eats rubbish in work. We have been doing 5:2 together to help blood pressure etc. i try to give him time to exercise but he doesnt do it.
We have 2 young kids and I am genuinely worried that he is going to get ill and not be around for his kids. But he won't discuss it or listen to me. Even the doctor has told him he has to change but it doesnt seem to matter.

I am at the point of despairing and I resent him as I think he is selfish and irresponsible to his young children to not look after his heath and be active.

I dont know what to do. AIBU?

How heavy is he? Is he obese

Was he like this when you met him?

He is 5ft8 and 15 stone so bmi around 30 which is obese I think

Wow - I'm 5'7 and weigh 10 stone

No, he was active when I met him

Spell it out to him that at this rate he may miss his kids weddings/ graduation/ never see his grand children. He has a responsibility to you to take care of himself too. Good luck!

Well practically you could get him a pill box, where you put your tablets at the beginning of the week and then keep I some where he will see it and he can take that days out. I sympathise in this point as I always forget medication.

On the other points. There isn't much you can do. Apart from speak to him honestly and brutally about your concerns, worries for him and your family and tell him you think he is being irresponsible and selfish.

Unfortunately for you, only he can make the changes.

"I sympathise in this point as I always forget medication."

I have medication that I have to take every day and keep it on my bedside cabinet. The first thing I do when I wake up is take my tablet. Can you not do something like this?

I could have written your post. FWIW I suspect he is scared. Don't talk to him about it, he is burying his head in the sand and the more you try to encourage him to talk about his health / weight etc the deeper he will bury it.

Use his phone as a reminder for medication. Just make changes to the lifestyle of the whole family, if you do the shopping, don't buy unhealthy food (5:2 isn't really a great approach to a healthy lifestyle IMO), arrange walks etc with the family. Just bring him along with you.

Of course I try and do all of this with my DH with varying levels of success, but it's a small victory when he eats a vegetable!

bun yes that's what I do. That actually what I was trying to, clumsily, advise. I am lucky to have a child free bathroom so put it next to the sink, next to my tooth brush. If I don't, I always forget.

My boss forwarded this to me not long back.
Sorry I can't help. OP's husband is actually very normal but sometimes normal isn't a good thing.

It's a real shame that being so unhealthy is considered normal.

You have all my sympathy, but in all honesty I am not sure what you can do to change his ways for him.
He is an adult, I am sure he knows that healthy eating and being active is better for him than eating junk food, being overweight and inactive - he may have his head in the sand (denial is a very powerful thing), he may genuinely not care or he may be one of the many, many people who really believe ill health only happens to Other People.

Either way, it sounds like you have been supportive of him and tried to help him to lead a healthier lifestyle. Practical suggestions like the weekly pill box etc are a good idea IF you are ok with taking on a quasi carer role for him. It is very likely to change your relationship, with him taking on a dependent/'child' role and you the care provider/'adult'. Many very longstanding relationships go on like this for decades and I think it's a valid choice to make. Provide it is a genuine choice that you go in to with your eyes wide open and you don't just suddenly find yourself in a situation that you resent and hate.

None of us can make anybody change; we can only change ourselves or our response to other people's behaviour. You can encourage change in your partner, but it is not within your power to achieve it if he is content in the status quo. Or if the way thing are seems to be the lesser evil (in his eyes) of what making changes would ask of him.

And yes, stop trying to talk about it. If he has not so far taking you up the obvious attempts to engage him in conversation about his health risks and your worry about him, he won't if you keep bringing it up. He knows he can talk to you if he wishes to - by all means, keep your healthy changes going, but you need to let him arrive at the conclusion HE has to make changes himself.

He needs to find some time and something to do that is just for him, a hobby or something that he can focus on. He needs free rein to do that, something for him. Then he may gain some respect for himself and start to lever open those shut doors.