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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

A soft play one

38 replies

Narnia72 · 07/05/2015 18:05

At soft play DS, who is 3, and his friend got a bit lively. 2 girls who were older than them - looked 4 or 5 - didn't like how the boys were playing (they were chucking ball pool balls at each other, so not terribly heinous) and tried to stop them by holding them back. The boys whacked the girls, once, to let them go. They ran sobbing to their mums. Me and friend saw what happened, were mortified, grabbed boys and marched them over to girls - both of us adults apologised and made the boys apologise to each girl in turn. Here is the AIBU bit. Neither mother acknowledged our apologies or encouraged the girls to acknowledge them. In their position I would have said something along the lines of "it's not nice to hit, but thank you for saying sorry." They wouldn't make eye contact with us at all. Mum friend and I took the boys off, had another chat about hitting not being acceptable, and then they carried on playing. We were being much more vigilant and following them around. Every time either of us went past either of these mums they cringed away from us and shielded their daughters.

AIBU to think they should have played their part in the conversation? Yes, the boys were wrong to hit, totally acknowledge that. But surely as adults, when hurt is caused we should encourage apology and acknowledge it, then help them to move on.

It really hacked both of us off. We are both parents to older girls, and have had our fair share of boisterous behaviour from other boys. We rarely got apologies from other parents, hence our insistence on always making our boys apologise. i don't think they gave either their daughters or our sons a great message about dealing with conflict. And the cringing was totally OTT and quite embarrassing.

OP posts:

pinkpeoniesplease · 07/05/2015 19:30

Why do parents think forcing their child to apologise will evoke feelings of remorse?? It's so pointless.
Is rather you controlled your child and didn't speak to me or my child.

Original poster

Narnia72 · 07/05/2015 19:56

To those saying I should just control my son and not let him get to that situation in the first place, have your children never acted up? Never hurt another child? Ever? Even when provoked? Do you all relentlessly police your children through the soft play mazes to ensure no slip ups? If so I really wish you'd come to my local one, because mostly the parents ignore their kids and play on their iphones. We were watching them, but they were in the ballpit and we didn't get there quickly enough to stop the situation. I wonder how the mums would have reacted if we'd pointed out their children had restrained ours?

I am bringing my children up to try and learn the consequences of their actions. If you hurt someone once, you are removed from the situation and you say sorry. If you hurt again, then permanent removal - ie, home from soft play. He is not an uncontrolled thug, he is a 3 year old boy, who needs help to understand what's good and bad behaviour. I hope that society will help me enforce that message.

If you read my previous messages you will see that I wasn't looking for the apology to make it all right. I was assuming they'd reinforce my message that it wasn't ok to hit. Clearly naive and Pollyanna like on my part - takes a village, yada ya.

Pink peonies - maybe it doesn't with your children, but it does usually with mine. I explain why we're apologising, and they get it most of the time. If someone's behaved badly to them and doesn't apologise they are outraged!

Anyway, as a fair few people have pointed out, it's a mountain out of a molehill. I've had a glass of wine and have reminded myself why I loathe soft play places! Thanks again for the comments

OP posts:

ladymariner · 07/05/2015 19:59

Good post Narnia....I totally agree with what you've said. Think one or two people are just being silly.

Waltermittythesequel · 07/05/2015 20:01

So you saw them throw the balls but before you got over to them they'd been restrained by the girls, had hit the girls and then the girls ran crying to their mums?

Jesus. How far away were you?

spicyfajitas · 07/05/2015 20:02

Sounds like they were rude. But I always cringe when children are made to apologise to me or my children. I never know what to say! And it feels even worse when it's a forced apology.
'That's ok' sounds like you're condoning what happened but saying ' it's not nice to hit' or whatever feels like the poor kids is being told off all over again.
They may have just felt a bit awkward like I would have done.
If a parent came over to apologise it's easier and I'd have just said something like Aww they're just kids and still learning. Don't worry about it. But the kid being there makes it hard.

BarbarianMum · 07/05/2015 20:21

Umm, since when is throwing balls at your friends in a ball pit intrinsically a problem? Unless it was a ball pit for the under 2s, or they were monopolising the whole area or throwing them at other children, why would the OP stop them?

I suspect if you reversed the children's genders in the OP, there'd be very different responses on this thread.

Waltermittythesequel · 07/05/2015 20:25

I suspect if you reversed the children's genders in the OP, there'd be very different responses on this thread.

Fucking hell. Seriously? These children are three and four and you think this is about gender bias? Don't be so ridiculous.

BarbarianMum · 07/05/2015 20:40

I think if two older boys had grabbed two little girls the responses would be different, yes. Maybe I am being ridiculous.

soapboxqueen · 07/05/2015 20:50

I agree with barbarian and it was pretty much the first thing that went through my mind.

If two little girls had been forced to apologise for defending themselves to two older boys who had grabbed them, I think at least some of the posts would be different.

Waltermittythesequel · 07/05/2015 20:54

I'll be honest, I don't get the whole grabbing thing. The boys were throwing balls so the girls 'held them back'. What does that mean exactly?

Further, I don't believe for a second that given the ages of the children involved, anyone would be saying anything differently.

5madthings · 07/05/2015 21:02

It would have been nice if they had acknowledged your apology, I would have said thankyou abd also made my child apologise for grabbing. But I don't allow throwing balls in the ball pool, especially not if there are other kids in there playing.

But you did the right thing op, just forget about it, these things happen.

Original poster

Narnia72 · 07/05/2015 21:24

Waltermitty - they were all in the ball pit, no age restriction. The boys were throwing the balls around. All fine. The girls went in. They were playing with the balls too, not sure exactly what. Everyone seemed happy. Friend and I at a table a couple of metres away, easy to see them but you have to go through a netted corridor to get in, so difficult to reach quickly. Boys start throwing balls at each other, could see girls start to remonstrate, and one grabbed my son's arms to stop him, the other girl stands in front of my friend's son and presumably tells him off. We go in, as we do friend's son pushes/whacks girl out of way, my son gets his hand free and whacks the girl holding his arm on her arm. Whole thing is maybe 20 secs. Evil Knievil would have hard pressed to get there in time to stop it. Girls exit past us sobbing dramatically.

Hope that explains it!

OP posts:

MrsHenryCrawford · 07/05/2015 21:40

You are very good to ask your ds to apologise. The other mums sound rude and the girls behaved like little madams.

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