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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Honestly, what would you say to me, a depressed friend?

26 replies

BigBirthdayGloom · 06/05/2015 16:27

I'm facing up to the fact that I'm really not well again, feel very disinclined to do anything, would rather curl up in bed (I don't-three dc) and feel anxious and irritable. I've just had to stop a couple of the crutches that keep me from really hitting the floor, spending on small treats being the hardest, and I also have lost a regular activity that kept me going.

I want to tell friends, I want to ask for help, but honestly I wonder whether they'll just think I'm being self indgeby, given that I have a lovely home (part of the reason money is tight) and only work a few hours. But I'm feeling increasingly lonely because I'm unable to admit how I feel.
Honestly, how would you react?

OP posts:
Original poster
BigBirthdayGloom · 06/05/2015 16:29

I guess the Aibu is "Aibu to imagine my friends wouldn't think I was mad or useless"

OP posts:
RickOShay · 06/05/2015 16:33

I am sorry you are feeling low. I would definitely tell my closest friends, and I would be a bit upset if one of my friends felt down and didn't feel she could tell me. Life can be hard at times for all of us, we all need a bit of tlc, it is nothing at all to be ashamed of, it is just the way it goes.
Really hope you feel better soon.

RedorBlack · 06/05/2015 16:34

Hi Op

I would say please please tell them the truth. I gave suffered with depression on& off for years and it is the support of friends & family that has kept me on track. Do please tell them, and go see your gp as well. You aren't alone and may start to feel better just by talking to people.

TheoriginalLEM · 06/05/2015 16:36

i would encourage you to visit your gp. I would worry about you and try and bring you out of yourself. i would not think you mad or useless.

Original poster
BigBirthdayGloom · 06/05/2015 16:39

Part of the problem is that I feel ashamed that when I'm low I can't bear being with the dc and get cross with them easily. I would find that hard to admit. I've been on ad's for a year and a half and they were working well. I do open up to one friend but I don't want to be a bore about it and I feel I have a bit.
To the outside world I might look the opposite of depressed-have had new hair cut and have been clearing out and decluttering. In amongst retreating to bed and spending too much time online Blush

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flora717 · 06/05/2015 16:41

I struggle to talk to my friends about my feelings (essentially I have so much to be grateful for I feel I need to toughen up). When I have done my friends have always been brilliant. Reminding me not to self-edit (they'd rather I was honest); that my feelings are mine and valid.
Brew Talk. It does help

PonderousTortoise · 06/05/2015 16:42

I would be really worried about you, and desperate to help. I would tell you to take this seriously, go to the GP, be kind to yourself, and I would try to check in with you regularly.

But I have experience of depression and anxiety, and a heap of guilt about complaining myself because I live a very comfortable, easy life and still find it really really hard at times

Can you think of one friend who might be more likely to understand? Could you start just confiding in them and see how that goes?

And I wluld also want to help but not necessarily know how, so maybe you can think if there's anything specific you can ask for - e.g. More regular calls, going for a regular walk or run together, having kids for an hour to give you a break???

AwakeCantSleep · 06/05/2015 16:43

OP a fellow sufferer here. Having support from friends & family makes all the difference. Please do talk to people. The sense of relief when you can give an honest answer to the question "How are you?" is amazing. Pretending to be "fine" to the outside world is such hard work. And they will not think you are mad or useless!

If they don't know much about depression and how it affects people, but want to learn more, there are some good books out there. The "black dog" ones come to mind. Another one is called "View from the bottom of the well" I think.

PonderousTortoise · 06/05/2015 16:45

Sorry too slow at typing - xposted about having one friend to talk to more...

I think getting cross with dc and finding it hard to be with them when down is very common so no need to feel ashamed about that - although I understand why you do, I feel like that too often!

Original poster
BigBirthdayGloom · 06/05/2015 16:48

I guess I'm a bit ashamed of myself for not doing the self help things I should-eating properly, exercise etc. and fear my friends wouldn't understand why I'm not. Especially since I don't understand why they're so difficult to do. I am absolutely on the floor exhausted after a run of very little sleep because of poorly dc. And then the symptoms of adhd, that I have recently been diagnosed with, really kick in and I can't focus at all. I guess I'm also worried that once I start talking about it then there'll be a flood gate effect. To have good friends you need to be a good friend...

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flora717 · 06/05/2015 16:48

Decluttering and a haircut. That's a pretty good day, I don't think it's bad to need to retreat. I'll admit I enjoy sewing sometimes because (when I do) my DC actually leave me to it. We all need space sometimes

SeaMedows · 06/05/2015 16:49

I think it's worth bearing in mind that some people don't have experience of depression and don't know how to help, or struggle to express their feelings of support and concern. It may be that some of the people you tell don't give you the support you need at that point - but that that's no reflection on you.

You still deserve support, love and understanding, whether or not your friends and family are at a point in life where they can offer it. Mine aren't, and that's a shame, but it doesn't reflect on me.

I know it can be really hard to ask for this, but if you can give some people some concrete task to do to help you, some people may be able to be more supportive than they could be otherwise.

flora717 · 06/05/2015 16:51

You actually sound very similar to an acquaintance of mine. I think she's awesome. I don't know her well. But I'd be happy to be a closer friend to her. Maybe you're a lot more awesome than you know.

Original poster
BigBirthdayGloom · 06/05/2015 16:52

Maybe I'm not depressed, perhaps I'm just overwhelmed by being with people all the time! Thing is, I love doing all sorts of creative stuff but I can't summon the energy to do more than read or talk about it! I honestly think I could stare at a blank wall all day and not get bored!

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AwakeCantSleep · 06/05/2015 16:53

OP, not doing the things we know are good for us (healthy diet, exercise, socialising etc) is a symptom of the illness. It took a lot of strength for me to a) acknowledge this and b) allow myself to be ill and c) take steps to do something about it.

Can you access therapy via your GP? Do you have childcare available? Therapy has really helped me to stop beating myself up about it so much.

SeaMedows · 06/05/2015 16:53

I see you posted about feeling guilty about not doing the self-help things, and therefore (I guess) feeling that you deserve to be depressed - "a better person would do the self-help things and then they wouldn't feel depressed."

That's apparently quite a common response to some of the well-intentioned guidance out there - I've had it myself. I was telling the mental health nurse about my feelings about this today, and she said to not worry about the running, eating healthily etc, and to do something nice to cherish myself instead.

Vivacia · 06/05/2015 16:54

Is there someone who could give you a day and a night to just curl up in bed? It sounds as though you need some time out.

Original poster
BigBirthdayGloom · 06/05/2015 16:54

Ah, that's sweet, Flora, thanks. Might cry. Just wish I could be nicer to my dc. Feel I've let them down. They have a much nicer time when I'm not there.

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Original poster
BigBirthdayGloom · 06/05/2015 16:58

This sounds awful, but I think I'll be a lot better when my youngest dc goes to school in September, as long as I can not fill all the time with stuff. This year, although I have only worked very part time, it effectively comes to nearly full time with looking after dd. I was loads better (obviously-I'm so sorry for sounding spoilt) when the two days dd was in preschool were mine. And this year, dh has been around less in the week and I think it's all come down on top of me. Someone told me not to wish the time away and I nearly wept. Of course I want to enjoy the time but at the moment I just can't.

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Momagain1 · 06/05/2015 17:12

If you have someone who can actually provide any help, tell them.

I dont have anyone i know well enough to notice how 'off' I am, or that I feel
I can trust to tell, or expect any support from. I have people like this but They are thousands of miles away.

So I keep going, like you, because I can't collapse.

Original poster
BigBirthdayGloom · 07/05/2015 00:10

Had a long, honest and tearful chat to dh this evening. He was amazingly un "solvey" as he sometimes is and asked what I needed. He is going to take dc away for weekend to his mum and dads, not this weekend but soon enough to look forward to. And I said to him that I was panicking about not having space if I plunge too quickly into work when dd2 goes to school. He agrees and said that, although the money would be very much more than nice, he hasn't anticipated me working a lot and the three days I suggested was more than he'd thought. And in the short term he's going to see if he can go to work later one day a week to do school run. I'm also going to tell a trusted couple of friends and neighbours and see if they might do the odd drop off. Weirdly, without the pressure of leaving the house with three kids everything else in the day feels manageable. I'm also going to see gp, tell her things are tougher again and see what she says.
Long term, I think I might see this as the beginning of a new chapter. I also talked to dh about how I think I'm particularly low because I've taken away the props I relied on and so I'm actually feeling stuff rather than buying or eating it away.
Anyway, thank you. Tomorrow is another day.

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PonderousTortoise · 08/05/2015 14:46

That all sounds really positive BBG - I'm so glad for you. Well done your DH! (and you for opening up)

A weekend without DC sounds a really good idea - sometimes we all just really need a break.

I have just put my DS down for another morning at nursery. I don't really want to admit to anyone that I am a SAHM who has 4 mornings to herself - it feels shockingly indulgent - but I've had to admit that I am not really coping that well how things are and need to try easing up pressure on myself.

Hope it goes well with the GP. Keep looking after yourself!

Blueskybrightstar · 08/05/2015 16:42

It doesn't matter how big your house is or what your life is like - if that grey cloud finds you, it finds you...if I was your friend Id want you to talk to me as much a you want, and see your GP. It's a chemical situation in your brain that needs righting. I'd suggest trying to find a hobby (ideally involving activity given the impact of exercise on depression) so you have something else to focus on.

Original poster
BigBirthdayGloom · 09/05/2015 11:30

Hmmm. Thinking might have been hoping that miraculously, talking to dh would magic me better. Obviously not-really bad night last night. But I told dh how I actually feel, and whilst he isn't able to sit back and say "yes, that makes perfect sense, you're worthless and pointless and the children will be messed up by you, and your friends will abandon you because you're self obsessed and in interesting" he seems to get that that is how I feel .So that's my best, best friend on side and not dismissing me. Have coffee date on Monday with my three lovely ladies but I will pretend all is okay then because its a birthday meet up. Going to try and catch up later in the week and be honest ish. Also going to see gp. Just wish I felt like doing anything except sleeping, internet or reading magazines and that I could bear being with my kids, which horribly makes me feel guilty for not wanting to do stuff with them.

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Original poster
BigBirthdayGloom · 09/05/2015 11:32

I'm so scared that if I really open up to my friends and this doesn't go away straight away that I won't seem like anyone who's that great company and that I'll be the hard work, task to do person rather than the pop in for a coffee and a giggle one.

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