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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel guilty for going to work?

18 replies

littleoneontheway · 06/05/2015 10:53

I wasn't sure where the best place to post this would be, so here I am.

DD is 18 months, and I am pregant with DC2. Me and DP and not together anymore - only recently broke up. DD lives with me, ex visits her at my house for his contact. When ex is here I use that time to catch up on whatever needs doing - housework, my work, shower, etc. If what I do is my paid work I feel like he is somehow using that against me in the sense like 'oh she can't cope without me' etc. it's hard to put into words.

He makes out he is a hero for any amount of childcare he does - he doesn't work so the sole responsibility of earning money to support DD and my unborn child falls on me. Yet he makes me feel like a shit mum for earning that money as if I'm somehow neglecting DD. It's bringing me down (a lot) and I could really do with some outside perspective on this.

Sorry if it's all a bit of a ramble.

OP posts:

MammaTJ · 06/05/2015 10:57

You are right, he is wrong! Simple! You cannot rely on him to put a roof over your heads or food on the table, you have to rely on yourself. The very least he can do is look after your DD to enable you to do that, in the face of his apparent inability to do so.

ANY comment about how wonderful he is for 'helping out' would be met with those bald facts.

WorraLiberty · 06/05/2015 11:00

Remind him he's not a child carer

He's a Dad having contact with his child.

Nolim · 06/05/2015 11:02

So he expects a medal for spending time with his child and you are a bad mum for putting food in the table??

What an arse. It is good that he is not your dp anymore.

Original poster

littleoneontheway · 06/05/2015 11:04

I think his line of thought is that I need to work therefore I'm not available 24/7 to care for DD. He is available at all times therefore he will use that against me to try to gain custody of DD (I know he wants this).

OP posts:

ilovesooty · 06/05/2015 11:07

Why doesn't he work?

Original poster

littleoneontheway · 06/05/2015 11:12

Because he said it would mean he wouldn't be able to see DD much.

OP posts:

ilovesooty · 06/05/2015 11:15

Well if he claims JSA he won't get away with that. If he doesn't he needs to and then you can involve the CSA to ensure he makes the appropriate financial contribution. If he isn't claiming benefits who's funding him?

Original poster

littleoneontheway · 06/05/2015 11:18

I don't know how he is surviving financially and he is being cagey about it. He may be claiming JSA and housing benefit but I can't be sure. His family dont have money to lend him and he doesn't play the lottery so it isn't that either. He mentioned an overdraft and credit card.

OP posts:

Nabootique · 06/05/2015 11:20

I am at this. Does he use her as an excuse to not work? I used to have one of those.

Original poster

littleoneontheway · 06/05/2015 11:22

Nabootique - how did it turn out?

OP posts:

ilovesooty · 06/05/2015 11:22

Well I think I'd be asking him. An overdraft and credit card won't cut it for long and he should be contributing financially for his children. On JSA he'll be expected to be actively seeking work.

DaysAreWhereWeLive · 06/05/2015 11:23

I'd put a stop to contact being at your house; then he'd have no knowledge of what you're doing in your own time.

Nabootique · 06/05/2015 11:24

I'll send you a PM as don't want to out myself.

MsPoodleLover · 06/05/2015 11:25

Trust me on this one Little, you are teaching your children that you have to work to provide, rather than teaching them that you can get it all off the state. I worked when my son was little and he is now nearly 22 years old. He used to go to day care. He does not feel that he was neglected and now has a work ethic I am proud of. He trains as an accountant during the week and works in a pub at weekends for a bit of extra cash. Do not let your pig of an ex bring you down - he is a layabout, that is up to him (though just tell him from me I dont appreciate having to pay for his lifestyle in my taxes).

IMHO you are an amazing woman - you work, raise a child (soon to be 2) and run a house! Think of it that way and have a hug from me.

Nolim · 06/05/2015 11:25

So in his mind the responsible working parent is the bad one and the useless one who is going into debt is the good one. Nice.

00100001 · 06/05/2015 11:25

What a load of crock using her as an excuse for not working - unless he sees her mon-fri 9-5 then it's a load of crap.

Ask him for some maintenance money! Report him for benefit fraud.

Lazy ARSE

ilovesooty · 06/05/2015 11:26

I think I'd be seeking some legal advice regarding his financial obligations and disclosure of income.

missymayhemsmum · 06/05/2015 18:34

YANBU, he is an idiot which is why he is your ex not your dh. If he says anything again offer to reduce his contact and say you'll get a childminder instead.
Point out that you recognise that you need to earn your own income and support DD and your new baby as he is a layabout and you can't rely on him for support.

Flip