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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell DD she should be selfish?

6 replies

unlucky83 · 05/05/2015 23:20

DD (14) is part of an extended group but has a couple of closer friends. They aren't the cool popular kids, some a bit odd ball but in general they are a nice group, I'm very happy for her.
She is going on a trip abroad with school for a week. When it first came up DD and one of her closer, oldest friends (J) agreed to go together.
2 others (B & M) from her extended group are also going.
One of them (B) is newish to the group and seems can be a bit tricky, a bit of a drama queen but maybe understandable - has had a rough time (parent died, estranged from other etc).

A week or so ago B fell out with the M (by the sound of it over something silly) and is now refusing to share a room with her (rooms of 4). She is happy to share with DD and J - just not M. (She has told the school she won't go if she has too - so the school are doing the best to accommodate her )
The other girls are all in pairs (even if they weren't it wouldn't be fair to M for her not to be in a room with any friends).
DD is slightly more friendly with M than J so when asked by a teacher today DD agreed to share a room with her. Worse out of the two pairs of 'other girls' they will have to share with DD has agreed to go in with the pair her group don't really get on with . (The other pair are more easy going ...and know B from a class anyway)
And looking forward it seems that during the trip either M or B will have to be excluded or DD and J won't have any time together. I'm sure DD will have a good time - just not as good as she could have had. (Unless it has blown over by then - knowing B it may well have done -but the rooms can't really be changed.)
Part of me is proud of DD... but (the unreasonable?) part of me wants to tell her to be selfish, go back and say no - she is sharing with J as agreed at the start. It isn't her problem. So AIBU?
I know I should step back etc -teen politics and all that but....
I think I feel it especially because (partly her own fault) she had a less fantastic than it could have been school trip at primary too, something similar and I didn't interfere as much as maybe I should

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 05/05/2015 23:25

She's 14

She's made her own decision, so let her stick to it.

To be honest, the amount of times they spend in their rooms on these trips is pretty minimal, as there's so much to pack into each day.

WorraLiberty · 05/05/2015 23:30

Reading my post back, I sounded a bit dismissive and that wasn't my intention, sorry

What I meant was, she's made her own decision and deep down she knows she could be selfish if she wants to be.

But it sounds as though she's decided to do this, and fair play to her for that.

It will probably have minimal impact though, due to the little time spent in their rooms.

Bodyinpyjamas10 · 05/05/2015 23:38

Sorry op read half your post and shuddered.

Having 2 teenage girls after 2 teenage boys my advice is:

Let her get on with it. Don't get involved in peer group friendships/fall outs unless you absolutely have to.

That way lies maddness.

Bodyinpyjamas10 · 05/05/2015 23:42

You sound lovely by the way and so does your dd. 14 is bloody hard age. It gets better.

You know they may be all the best of friends in 2 years or all in completely different groups.

Original poster

unlucky83 · 05/05/2015 23:47

Worral No problem - I know what you are saying ..she is 14
and I know she knows she could be selfish but maybe she wanted me to say if was ok to be ...if that makes sense...
She was in a less than sunny mood today...but at her age that could be due to a number of things, nothing to do with this trip ...

body thanks - DD is a nightmare sometimes but is kind hearted - not sure if that is the best way to be sometimes...

And I do try and stay out of it ....try not to roll my eyes ...but wondering if she was asking for advice in a teen 'round the houses' way.

And I thought she was hard work when she was a toddler ...

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 05/05/2015 23:53

Body has a good point.

Except when she said "You know they may be all the best of friends in 2 years or all in completely different groups"

I'm sure she meant 2 minutes

FWIW, my nearly 16yr old DS has been on a few residential trips where last minute fall outs have happened.

The teachers are pretty used to changing sleeping arrangements back and forth , even at the last minute.

As long as everyone is present, they'll sort out the mine field eventually.

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