To not offer condolences via FB to dh's M who dislikes me?

[TowerRavenSeven]

One year ago dh's very close family member passed away. We attended all services, etc. His M posted on FB how they are still de estates (family member was SN and although not 'young', still very young by 'ordinary' standards.

I am a 'friend' on her FB but personally she disliked me before she ever met me (took away son, etc.) She's alcoholic and dh got passed by much of his childhood, so isn't close with her, but she continually 'punishes' him for not calling, etc. and will tell other family members important info before she tells her own son and the unwritten is 'well if you would have called us...'

Anyway, even though she has treated me like crap (married 17 years) I feel awful about the deceased family member and if situations were different I'd post how bad I feel for her , etc. But after taking her abuse (she IS good to dc's, and in front of everyone else she acts like the perfect MIL so people end up thinking I'm the bad DIL) I pretty much cut ties, hide her posts except to check every few weeks, am cordial but realize there is nothing on earth I can do to make this woman like me. So would I BU to silently say a prayer for her departed and just not post anything? Her whole family is either afraid of her, feuding with her or thinks she's the greatest.

After 17 (more if you count our engagement, in which dh was told 'it's your life', that's it...I'm just done. It bothers me because I try to be a nice person but nothing I ever do will make her dislike me less.

*de estates s/b devastated.

I wouldn't bother offering condolences via FB, you're not close and he passed away a year ago. Harsh, but I don't have time for all this 'woe is me' stuff on FB.

If you were going to say something, a year ago was the time to do it. I wouldn't say anything now.

His m is his mother, I imagine?

With that backhistory, I'd unfollow her and leave her to her grief. She won't thank you for your condolence if she dislikes you.

Icimoi of course we said something when it happened - we traveled to another country to attend all the services (at 6K we could ill afford), stood in the receiving line for three hours at the wake, planted roses in our garden in her memory (it was dh's SN sister), and talked to her many times about it since.

She was just expressing how awful she still felt about her passing on FB. I don't think anything is wrong with that - her dd went into arrest and MIL had to make the difficult decision to pull the plug so there is still that level of 'guilt' there...unfounded that is was, no wanted to see her suffer, and with her very severe level of SN (basically aged 6 mos. for 45 years)

Yes, the M is mother.

To join in the conversation on FB to tell her I was thinking about her to me is very valid, but here's the thing: Dh's mother I think couldn't care less that I understand and share in her grief. I can see her reading it and thinking, "who gives a flying fig what you think".

So I suppose that's my answer...yet the person I try to be, the nice person, hopes if I continue to treat her kindly she'll maybe one reciprocate. Yet my brain honestly think, why bother, it's never going to happen.

Why are you 'friends' on FB? Surely if you are a friend of someone on FB then you have warm, 'friendly' feelings towards them????

Why do you follow her on FB at all? It seems rather pointless and contradictory if you want minimal contact with her. If seeing her expression of grief triggers such a negative reaction in you, I actually think it would be better for you to unfollow, quietly, without any fanfare because most people wouldn't think "I don't care" about someone they even had a neutral relationship with.

People that dislike you for no reason, you can't win them around. You can't. You just play it cool and leave them too it. Your trying just adds fuel to the dislike.

I am on FB with her because I set it up for her when it first came out and she was looking for people on FB (none of her friends yet) so she/we stuck me on there. I hide her posts but I do check once in awhile for DH's sake. There is sometimes important information about there (operations in the family, etc.) that we find out any other way.

Why don't I just let dh do it? He loves her, but like I said since college and he didn't make a big effort to keep them updated (he's bad at birthdays, etc...) and they've never let him forget it. My MIL is a 'ranter" and for most of dh's childhood and even now FIL and DH (and I've learned) that we just block her out and don't listen to anything when she's drunk (from 4:00 pm until Mid. every night). I used to feel bad doing it but now I've realized its the only they (and I) can keep our sanity around her.

I feel bad for dh though, so I do remind him of birthdays, mother's day, etc. but I don't do the actual work anymore. I leave him to it. I love him, he has selective memory, but doesn't need any more grief about him forgetting this and that. That's why I stay on FB with her and check her posts every 2-3 weeks. Some times later.

If you do it by Facebook, she will be able to get at you. Don't do it! If you're really feeling martyrish, say what you want to say in a hand-written letter, which she can't share, to gripe about, without looking reeeally bad...