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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To just go out and leave DH to do childcare each time he does this at weekends?

42 replies

UnpushyMother · 03/05/2015 21:16

DH has a habit of just tuning out of everything at weekends, sitting there with a film on or sport on or playing on his phone and being in his own world. He ignores the DCs if they ask him for anything, does nothing at all, and just does his own thing. If I talk to him he's so absorbed in whatever he's watching/doing it takes 3 or 4 times of me talking to him for him to reply.

I spoke to him last weekend and warned him that in future every time he does this and just checks out of family life I will be going out and leaving him to childcare.

Yesterday he did it again, and so I went out for several hours on my own and left him to it.

Today he has been a bit better, although has put a film on tonight and is again absorbed in it and won't communicate with anyone (and wants everyone to be quiet, lights off etc whilst he watches it) so I've told him he can sort the kids out and have come upstairs with the laptop and to watch TV.

AIBU to just keep going out every time he does this?

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 03/05/2015 21:33

It depends on their age, 7 and up id just leave him to it.

Younger than that I'd be blaming myself for having married an arsehole and be making myself a single parent

Mrsbobdylan · 03/05/2015 21:34

I have a bil like this-neither use nor fucking ornament. Yanbu to feel let down, angry and like you want to ltb.

My bil is selfish and self absorbed to the core. Nothing my lovely SIL could do would change him.

Any hope for your dh?If you believe that he can change, then yanbu but if he's programmed to be a selfish fuck then yabu to leave the kids with him as he won't look after them well.

You have my total sympathy.

Thetruthshallmakeyefret · 03/05/2015 21:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

girlygeekette · 03/05/2015 21:41

I wonder if he's suffering from depression?
Sounds like he's not his usual self? Talk to him

Original poster

UnpushyMother · 03/05/2015 21:42

I have tried to talk to him. Many times.

I don't think he's depressed. He's always been lazy but is getting lazier. His dad is the same especially with the zoning out thing.

OP posts:

meandjulio · 03/05/2015 21:47

yeah it's amazing what some people think 'parenting' actually is. Not to mention being a partner to another adult.

I would look for another adult with kids - friend, sibling, whoever - to be my partner in crime and actually do things with at the weekend; I would also send out distress signals to parents and parents-in-law in order to get a break of some kind. Because I dont' think it's OK to leave kids in this situation. That's the problem with people like this - they have you over a barrel as if you walk out, you are leaving them with a parent who will not be doing any parenting or even much basic care. Very shortly you will have two children who insist on spending the weekend in front of screens with the curtains shut and who will say 'well Dad does it' if you object.

I don't really see a future for this relationship but if you are prepared to get through this phase, it may get better when the children are older and need less parenting.

namechange2015 · 03/05/2015 21:57

Sympathies. Dh here the same checks out of family life is a good way to put it. He used to play with the kids when they were younger football board games etc but these days he won't watch TV with us saying he doesn't like what's on (well I don't love BGT or CBBC but I like watching things with the kids) HEdoesnt speak at meals or when we're out. He's boring as fuck basically. He's missing out imo & I wouldn't go out & leave him with the kids they'd have a horrible time! I tried what pp said leaving him to do his own laundry & meals etc but it drove us further apart as he's so lazy piles of stinking washing & dirty saucepans everywhere Jesus I couldn't stand it.

Jackieharris · 03/05/2015 21:59

Does he have aspergers?

That is very aspie behaviour.

hidingfromthem · 03/05/2015 21:59

did he want kids in the first place?
i know it's a bit late now, but what was his attitude to starting a family?

May09Bump · 03/05/2015 22:02

Do your own thing with the kids and also get a babysitter, basically operate like a single parent. I found the shock of just getting on with it without him, sorted him out. I went on holiday, etc and said it was easier without him. Either it works or you have some time to set up your life as a single parent.

VivienScott · 03/05/2015 22:03

I tried a similar tactic once. I came home and the house looked like a bomb had hit it, there were toys everywhere, food spilt, DD's nappy hadn't been changed and was stinking out the house and she was still in her pyjamas. I was only gone a couple of hours to get my hair cut and do some shopping, the hell wasn't worth it. He's now my ex.

missymayhemsmum · 03/05/2015 22:05

Doesn't everyone need to zone out a bit after a tough week? I'm not sure having a partner huffing and puffing about it/ storming off out is going to help. If it's the whole weekend then that's unreasonable and crappy parenting, but surely a few hours off isn't the end of the world?
Anyone else need to just zone out sometimes? Whether it's telly/ paper/ novel or whatever, or does being in a couple/ family mean being permanently available?

BoyScout · 03/05/2015 22:05

I feel like there's been a lot of threads like this lately - there was a sea cadet one and a cycling one. Seems like you're not alone OP.

I think I'd have a serious talk with him and say you've had enough of it. It's not fair on your kids to be ignored by their dad. The childrens' wellbeing would be a deal breaker for me.

MuddlingMackem · 03/05/2015 22:13

YANBU.

How many times do you hear posters saying that their other half does nothing with the kids, leaves it all up to the OP and the advice is to just go out and leave him to step up.

He's not used to being on call for the kids in the way you are, most dads aren't, unless they're the primary carer, and their default seems to be to switch off and leave it to the mother. They can't do that if the mother isn't there, and it's good for the kids to have some time with just dad.

And for those saying she should ditch him, what do you think the kids would be doing during NRP access time? Oh yeah, spending time with their dad on his own!

lostoldlogin · 04/05/2015 20:57

sorry - aspergers? because he's lazy and selfish? Sounds more like "dick" to me.

MrsRossPoldark · 04/05/2015 21:59

Mine has a habit of spending entire days in front of the TV in his reclining armchair, either watching cr@p, or snoring (yes, really - even when awake, he snores). I have come to the conclusion that I'd better just get on with what I want to do & if he wants to do something he's welcome to.

Today I photo'd stuff to sell, ran 6M, sorted laundry for school tomorrow, cleaned the kitchen after lunch; cleaned it again later (he cooked dinner but I still had to clear the mess he left behind).

Yesterday we all had a day out so that was lovely.

The day before however I spent a good hour asking him to clear out the garage like he'd promised to for months. Even the DCs got involved as they know he hadn't done it. His latest excuse is that his Bryers-Miggs personality type says that he copes best by just sitting still and thinking. If he does much more 'sitting & thinking' I'll scream - with a family you lose the right to just sit & think all day long. You also need to 'do' stuff.

devon004 · 04/05/2015 22:20

I sympathise op. My dh can be like this. I had a rough night with youngest so got up late to find dh zoned out on a computer game. Toddler dd still in her nappy and middle ds still in soiled pj pant. But when I questioned him re this he said he had asked him 4 times to get clothes. No breakfast done. I went to do a supermarket shop and I swear he hadn't moved from chair.
did buck his ideas up later but really.

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