to feel like I'm losing my children to my husband's hobby

[tutorproof]

My husband has a hobby which he is very passionate about. It is all consuming. From magazines, TV, how he spends his weekends, conversation. Everything.

He's always been like this and I've been fine and actually found it quite endearing.

He also sees his Dad and brothers regularly who share this passion.

We have 2 sons who are 10 and 8 and they have also been sucked in.

On the one hand it's lovely that they have something in common and spend so much time together but on the other, I feel pushed out.

I don't want to spend my weekends doing this but if I don't, I never see them!

I also feel like my interests, and the opportunity for me to pass those onto my children is also being pushed out.

One of my BIL is encouraging son1 to take it more seriously, which we can't because we can't afford it and I don't want to devote the time.

Quite frankly I'd rather he got his homework done then went out on his bike.

How do I get things back on an even keel without everyone calling me a spoilsport.

However endearing.

At the risk of outing myself, it's cars.

So it's not confined to just one thing. f1, WRC, BTC, motorbikes, watching on TV, playing computer games, playing with toy cars, books, magazines, models everything.

If it was just cricket it would be fine.

I'd also be fine if it was cycling - at least they'd be getting fit!

What would you want to do with them, OP? Could you possibly take them out and get them interested in something else?

I would find cars hard too as have no interest at all in them so wouldn't be joining in too much.

What we find endearing in early relationships can quickly turn grating when it dictates the lifestyle we lead later IME.

It's a tough one, on one hand if your boys are enthusiastic and want to share a passion with their dad it's a transition period where parenting changes and they get more independent with their time and choices. On the other your wish to have your needs within the family respected and included are important and should be considered. An open and honest discussion about how you feel with your DH would be my first step and then see if you can make some compromises.

My DS and E-H have a shared hobby - football and I think that it is great that they do this together. I get to do my own thing whilst they do theirs.

Ex-H and I take it in turns to watch DS play each weekend. Important games, we go together. They have season tickets at a Premier League Club and if it is my weekend with DS, I am happy to drive him to the ground to meet his Dad and pick him up again after. I get to go shopping, read a book, watch tv or do some Uni work in relative peace and quiet while he is at the match.

I don't mind about DS hobby with his Dad (although it does feel,like it's all consuming sometimes), as it's about what DS wants to do and he loves playing and watching football.

Maryz

You are a better woman than me...have known dh 30 years and have managed so far too avoid "standing beside the river"

Fortunately ds enjoys it but it isn't a grand passion

Op...I would just limit the time..for example every second weekend rather than every weekend

Ds does tennis, swimming And scouts ( with some fishing thrown in) it's good to give them a variety

I think it's important that you recognise and fully believe that you are not being a spoilsport before you try and raise it with your husband.

You are not stopping him from enjoying his hobby, you are asking for compromise and rational give and take.
I would clearly couch the discussion in terms of what is best for your boys - because it's true. A child should be exposed to as many interests and hobbies as possible including some that involve physical activity if at all possible.

If it were me I would find something new for them to try like swimming or karate or drama and take them for a few hours each weekend. They can have the rest of the time with the cars thing.

If you talk about it in terms of family and relationships as well as friendships for your boys and their physical well being, he would have to be really selfish to disagree.

To those who say that it's OK and the 'if you can't beat them, join them', can I ask?

• do you really find normal for your partner to be so selfish? I mean when it mean that all the time is used for said 'hobby' wo any consideration for any other members of the family. That's pure selfishness in my eyes.
• are you really happy to teach your dcs that only their own desires/interests matter? Again if the dcs want to do xxx, then that's the only thing that is suppose to happen.
• are you also OK for your dcs, when they are still young, to be so focused on oen activity that they won't be ding/trying anything else? I don't know but my aim is to open their mind to as many things as possible and to teach them that the world is much wider than what they see on their door steps. Not going to happen if they only breathe cars/tennis or anything else for that matter.

Lucy that's not the smae thing at all. You see your dcs during the week and for the rest of the weekend and you have the oportunity to do other things with him.
The OP has none. It's cars at home at the weekend, in the evening etc... There is no space for her to enjoy her own things or to share it with her dcs. My dcs enjoy sports I don't particularly like but I take them. They also enjoy things that DH really enjoys and they do it together. But if that meant I was excluded from the family, I would livid (or rather I WAS livid and very clear limits were established. I personally will NOT accept to be pushed aside from my own family or my

OP I'm sure what to suggest. I went down the road of the ultimatum and I made it very clear to DH that me at home all the time was NOT a possible situation.
It will be much harder for you because that's so much part of family life for your dcs so they are of course interested in it. That's the thing that must be so great as Daddy spend so much time on it etc... The aura it has will be hard to fight :(
And your DH has 'got away with it' for so long that he won't be understanding either :(

and YY to split time etc...
But I think it will be hard to convince the dcs for that if they see their dad still doig it wo them.

I was looking at my cousin's FB page and there were loads of pictures of him and his mates doing outdoor stuff. Loads of pictures of him and his kids doing outdoor stuff and not a single picture of his wife. I found that kind of strange but he's very passionate about the outdoors. I do wonder what his wife makes of it though.

Loads of pictures of him and his kids doing outdoor stuff and not a single picture of his wife

If it's literally not a single picture, that's a bit sad I suppose. But are you sure the dw doesn't also take part?

We're very outdoorsy, we go hiking, bike riding etc. Our fb's are full of albums of such, but I'm in very few photos. Firstly because I hate having my picture taken at the best of times (never mind when we're half way up a mountain and my windswept hair is scraped back and I have no make up on) and secondly because my phone is always in my pocket so I can snap away but dh doesn't think to take pictures...so I'm usually the photographer not the subject.

At first glance you'd think Dh is always out alone with his dc, but I'm always there too!

So sit DH and DS's them down all together and tell them you feel left out. Ask them if you can find a hobby you all like and can enjoy together. They can have two hobbies

Thank you all.

Yes I need to be firmer. One of the issues I suppose is that my interests are less organised.

I love going to the cinema, going for a walk etc. Maybe I need to take up a sport that DC can join me in.

I also need to create some space with DH family because that is also seen as 'family time'. My family live in another country so it can't be evenly split.

DC love seeing their uncles but I am a little outnumbered.

Well the weird thing is that my cousin has lots of photos of himself. His wife has a picture of them together outside though. Maybe he's just a narcissist lol!

Sorry OP. I'm not interested in cars either so that would drive me mad too.

Yes - I'm another one who takes the pictures rather than being in them.

My dh is really into cars too so you have my sympathy. He loves motorbikes too. I have dds though and they are not interested! (Before anyone says I know girls can be interested in the above, mine are not).

So maybe the answer is to have a (movable time wise) weekly slot together and do a variety of activities in that slot. So agree to have 3 hours each weekend where you can arrange something nice - cinema, walk or whatever. Put the time slot on the calendar. You will actually be doing them a huge favour by creating some balance in the lives of your men.

I really think that when an activity, whatever it is, is taking as much time and one member of the family is excluded then it isn't good. How can it be good? How can it be OK that the OP is feeling like she is loosing her dcs because she doesn't see them anymore? They are still primary age children :(

And of course it doesn't mean that the dcs or the DH can't do whatever activity they enjoy. It doesn't mean that they can't have their 'passion'. They can still do it. One day in the weekend and then spending time with the OP doing things they all enjoy too.
I had one passion too. When I was single. And then when I met DH and we both enjoyed it. But when the dcs came along, my passion wasn't the most important thing in the world. As it should be.
And when I had bfs that I didn't share that passion with, it also took a back step. Again as it should be.
Because if you serioulsy think that that activity is more important that everything else and everyone else, then what's the point to be with that person??? Might as well be married to that 'hobby' (or make it a job or live your life with someone who is just as interested). Some of my friends who were just as much into that activity as I was have chosen to do just that. They only settled down with someone who shared their passion

tutor, I agree it's harder when things aren't as organised. But you can make it organised.
We have a calendar where we put everyone's activity. Put your DH times for his hobby. Time to watch F1 (I suspect you can't do anything else then?), time to go to whatever event etc. Put your dcs, the b'day parties they are invited, the events they are going to.
Then put YOUR events. Somehow, I will guess there aren't any and that there is no space for then either.
You need to reclaim that time. Ask your DH to have equal time doing what YOU want than he has for cars. If YOUR time is spending time with the dcs, or as a family so be it. If you want to decide on the day, that's OK too but that day/afternoon whatever is YOUR time and everyone gets to do what you have decided.
And the add the FAMILY events. Time when you will all be together doing something. NOT to a car event unless you are really happy to do so. But time to spend as a family, time to spend with his family, time to spend with your family (even if it's a once a year thing). Imo, a weekend a month is a minimum.
What you will find is that your DH won't be able to do as much or that he will decide to be on his own rather than with you. Whether you are happy with that or not is your decision.