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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be irritated by SIL?

26 replies

upallnight2015 · 03/05/2015 12:00

Hi, first time posting in AIBU so take it easy!
My sil had a baby roughly the same time as my DHs ex. As far as I knew they weren't that friendly prior to babies being born, but as you do with the kids being born at same time, they kept in touch.
I can see how it happens. The background is, DH and ex were involved in a sort of open relationship, they had threesomes, were on swinging website together etc. I met him just after they split.
She still used to ring him for the first couple of years we were together and was extremely flirtatious in manner still. DH and I split a couple of times before getting engaged and she was always there, and they used to sleep together if he was single. SIL knows all this.
DH now has no contact with her, and has begun to find SIL's level of contact with her too much, as he doesn't wish to be reminded of the past now we are committed . I feel the same.
They see each other about twice a week and put statuses and pics up on Facebook. But SIL lies to me if I say 'any news, what have you been up to?', she says she went with her LO on her own (say to park etc).
In general, I just ignore, but it does irritate me. I know SIL has the right to be friends with whoever she chooses, but I feel uncomfortable with this woman hanging around, and even more uncomfortable when SIL lies to my face about it! AIBU to be bothered, or should I just get over it??

OP posts:
Sirzy · 03/05/2015 12:03

Get over it. Like you said she can be friends with who she likes. She provably "lies" so it doesn't seem like she is rubbing your face in it.

Bair · 03/05/2015 12:04

Get over it.

You're not happy that SIL is seeing her, and you're not happy that she attempts to spare your feelings.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 03/05/2015 12:07

Carry on ignoring what SiL does in he spare time and don't ask what she's been doing when you already know she's been with the woman you don't like.

Original poster
upallnight2015 · 03/05/2015 12:10

I don't ask anymore, that was a while ago was just giving example. Ok, I'm on the right track just ignoring then. I wish it didn't irritate me to be honest Blush

OP posts:
Hassled · 03/05/2015 12:14

SIL is lying to spare your feelings because she knows it's awkward for you - that's a pretty nice thing to do, really. Misguided if she's then posting the truth on FB, but it does imply she means well.

Aridane · 03/05/2015 12:15

Just ignore

PurpleSwift · 03/05/2015 12:20

YABU. Ignore, if you don't want to see her, hide your SIL from your Facebook timeline.

MrsHathaway · 03/05/2015 12:42

SIL sounds lovely. She's trying to avoid hurting your feelings. Unfollow her on FB.

comedancing · 03/05/2015 14:50

Does your dh not have a child with his ex?

NotKayBurley · 03/05/2015 15:12

I can understand why it upsets you but I think you have to get over it.

I think there is a way you can hide her posts from your Fb page.

AGirlCalledBoB · 03/05/2015 15:18

Is it just me who is thinking what a catch the oh sounds Hmm they split up and he goes to sleep with the ex.

No wonder you don't like being reminded of this woman but ultimately your sil can be friends with who she likes and this woman
has really done nothing wrong, it was your oh that initially kept up contact and going back for sex.

I think it's good that the sil lies and tries to spare your feelings and I would hide her fb from your newsfeed.

madreloco · 03/05/2015 15:20

So your husband used to sleep with this woman, a friend of his sisters, both before and after he was with you, and now he's done with her he expects his sister to ditch her friend to suit him? And YOU expect her to as well?
What is wrong with the pair of you?

shewept · 03/05/2015 15:54

I am the only one who feels a bit sorry for sil?

When you say they had a baby at the same time? Is the exs baby your dhs?

The way I see it, you think sil should ditch her because your dh finally has. Even though he has been sleeping with her on and off, for years.

Your sils friendships are not based on who her brother is currently sleeping with. She isn't being honest because you have such a problem with the ex.

Although I am unsure why you married dh but have such a problem with his ex. If dh didn't do anything wrong by sleeping with her, when you split up...then neither did she.

Original poster
upallnight2015 · 03/05/2015 16:02

OP here, no the baby isn't DH's.
Thanks for feedback.
I guess when it's put back to me like that, I am being unreasonable...
We split up years ago and got back together. SIL wasn't really friends with her then. Lots of people split up and get back and lots of people have a fling with an ex when single.
Anyway, thanks for the perspective, points noted!

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 03/05/2015 16:10

YAB massively U! Get over yourself. Why the fuck is it any business of yours if SIL sees your DH ex? It's fuck all to do with you.

loopinthep · 03/05/2015 16:27

Given your intro, I'd be less concerned about who your SiL is meeting, but worried to hell about old Mr "swinger, open relationship" hubby?!

AuntyMag10 · 03/05/2015 16:34

Given your dh swinger past I too would be worried about that more.

Original poster
upallnight2015 · 03/05/2015 16:38

Yes, I know it doesn't sound great! It was a long time ago, they were early twenties at the time, she was off the scene for ages we had grown up and got our act together, realised we wanted to be together and then SIL began being friends with her. I'm just one of those people who isn't big on exes in any situation anyway.
I've obviously made both myself and DH sound worse than we are here, was just looking to see should I just get over it. Obviously I should Wink

OP posts:
PHANTOMnamechanger · 03/05/2015 16:39

are you absolutely 100% certain that the ex's child is NOT your DH's - given his open minded attitude to who he sleeps with?

This would explain SIL wanting to maintain a link, even if she was not particular friends with the mum, as the DCs would be cousins!

AGirlCalledBoB · 03/05/2015 16:42

Then I really don't understand why you would have a problem in the first place. Your oh sounds worse than this woman does and you say it was years ago.

Your sil obviously likes this woman and their kids get on, or do you not trust your oh given his carefree attitude to sleeping with whoever because I don't see why sil being friends with a woman who has actually done nothing wrong affects you or your oh Confused

loopinthep · 03/05/2015 16:54

are you absolutely 100% certain that the ex's child is NOT your DH's gosh, that's a strong call?!

Original poster
upallnight2015 · 03/05/2015 17:07

Ok, I lurk and read AIBU, so I should have been ready for these replies. But really, lots of people have a past. It was only with this woman that DH tried that out, when he was much younger. He did have commitment issues, so I left him. He sorted himself out, and we reconciled. He is now a brilliant husband and very trustworthy. I would never have married him otherwise.
His ex has a baby with someone else.
SIL has made a friendship with her over the last couple of years. When I see her, I'm reminded of the past. I was just asking if people thought I was being over sensitive about it, and I see I am.
Thanks for the replies.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 03/05/2015 17:27

Being reminded of the past is only a bad thing if you have issues with the past. Why on earth would you have a problem with ex's unless they were abusive? Almost everyone will have several ex's in their lives. You need to make peace with these facts and stop seeing issues that aren't there

shewept · 03/05/2015 18:20

You are reminded of his past....if you were truly confortable with his past and you trust him 100%, then his sister being friends with her would not bother you or dh.

I am interested to know why he has a problem with it.

blushingbooty · 03/05/2015 20:02

Unfollow SIL, no more reminders on fb- job done. If your DH feels uncomfortable then he should do the same.

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