To be angry / cross / upset when I ask DH to sort important things out and he does nothing?

[ovumahead]

My DH us generally lovely, but can be rather passive when it comes to sorting stuff out - eg even though we both work full time it's always me that sorts out school related things, takes DS to the doctors etc. To be fair he does the majority of the cooking and food shopping but this is because I'm 21 weeks pregnant, utterly exhausted, and he works from home so actually much easier for him to do these things. I'm very appreciative.

However a while ago I took DS to the gp as he was run down. Had to take him to the hospital for a blood test, discovered low iron levels, needed a retest. It's really tricky for me to get to the hospital so I asked DH to do it. And I asked again. And again. Did he? No. When I asked why not be said something utterly lame like "I don't really understand what I need to to and where to go" so I explained it all, but still he's done nothing. Now he's lost the blood form and it's been literally more than 6 months since the retest was due. DS is not overtly ill but low iron levels are a nightmare and I'd like to check it out...

Second issue is with school applications - I did everything, then asked him to deal with getting a form form the council to appeal the decision. He called, but they didn't respond, during this time I've had issues with pregnancy been exhausted and distracted.... Realised this morning he's completely missed the deadline.

Am I being unreasonable to be cross with him? Should I just do it all myself...?

I realise this is rather minor compared to many of the posts here, but is a recurring issue in our 10 year relationship and it drives me nuts!

Yanbu if you've agreed he would do something.

Me and DH have a kind of agreement - I tackle the kids stuff and he does more of the household type stuff. Although more does end up with me. However we regularly discuss and set expectations and he always tells me how appreciative he is of how much I do.

I work 4 days plus evenings in a stressful job and he does full time. So I don't have much more time than he does.

If social anxiety is the problem, making him feel worse about it or trying to punish him isn't going to help. He already does feel bad about it, to the point that it's paralyzing (at least if he's like me). He might not want you to see how bad he feels about it, but that doesn't mean he doesn't feel that way.

You are entirely within your rights to feel angry, cross, and upset. I'm not saying you should not feel that way. (You do feel that way, and telling you you shouldn't won't make you not feel that way, so debating whether you should or shouldn't is entirely unproductive.) But taking it out on DH might not be a productive way to solve the problem of your son's iron levels not having been tested. The important thing here is to get the tests done, not to punish DH. (I don't know anything about how school registration works where you are, so I don't know what, if anything, you can do to fix that problem.)

If you know he has trouble setting up appointments, whether that's due to social anxiety, disorganization, or something else, it's probably not a good idea to give him those tasks to do, unless you absolutely have to. He can do other jobs- it sounds like he might be better suited than you to some of the jobs that involve running errands.

Think of it like being married to someone with a disability. Are you allowed to wish they could do things that people without that disability can do? Of course. Some people with disabilities probably wish this sometimes, too. I know for a fact that at least some people with social anxiety wish we weren't that way. Are you being reasonable if you berate them or try to punish them for not being able to do those things? No.

If there's a class of jobs that neither of you is well suited to do, you might have to accept that, and try to figure out ways to make those jobs easier. DH and I know that bill paying is not a strong suit for either of us. So we set up as many of our bills as possible to automatically pay out of our bank account. Or you might just have to accept that some jobs just won't be done perfectly. We know that there are going to be the occasional late fees from the library, and, realistically, there's not much we can do about that. Life isn't perfect, and there's no way you can make it perfect.

if he actually seemed ill and tired then I think it would have been more pressing

The worse thing about me being anaemic is that I adapt to my low levels.
my levels still droping dangerously low, But I cope.

You should make your son a priority if he hasnt been retested, Doctors dont insist on this being done unless there is just cause! you should nag and nag and nag until it is, or you give up and do it yourself.

Hmm your DH sounds like me, DP always asking me to do things (fill out forms / make phone calls / find important letters etc) and i just forget most of the time i don't do it on purpose.

Lady yes I've been very anaemic in the past and it has come on so slowly that I haven't noticed until I nearly had to be hospitalised for a blood transfusion!

I brought this up with dh at the weekend after raising it on here and he said that DS didn't seem anaemic so he thought there would be no point testing him. Grr. I said if it was that easy to tell they wouldn't bother with blood tests! Then he got all defensive and said again he'd sort it out... It's Thursday tomorrow and has he?! NOPE!

So, I'll be on the case tomorrow and will get it sorted. Harumph!

Sounds like my husband, the wanna be Doctor! a.k.a Mt I.T
"no I dont think you have broken your arm, just drive home and get some rest" I get home, "Nah, its not broken" next day I have it in plaster because its broken :)
I also get the "You look fine to me" just as the Doctor calls to tell me I need to go to hospital :O :)
I ignore him now, but he does mean well and loves me lots. He is more on the ball these days with the anaemia and makes me go every 6 months to be checked.

I Do hope your little one is better thought, because I guess we both know how horrible it is
Best of luck

I have no-one to pick up the slack, but I am still hopeless with paperwork.

I think you should distribute the family tasks so that you are not doing everything, but it is not unreasonable that you should do something that he is totally incompetent at and unwilling to do.

Thanks for all your replies, only just seen the latest ones. Yes we will have a chat about it properly - however it's a weird situation in that he used to be totally utterly useless and over the last 3-4 years has really upped his game. Which puts me in a position where I feel like I'm constantly thanking him for doing really basic things! Ha. Is that also considered 'women's work'?!

Tbh I don't ask him to do anything he's not actually capable of doing. Yes he does have some social anxiety but he's not crippled by it by any means. Perfectly able to take himself to the doctors so should be able to take his son, imo. But he never does.

Anyway, I've booked the GP appointment on an afternoon DH can take him, and told him to take him - at least then he can familiarise himself with part of the process!

Baby steps...