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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To say something to my friend?

14 replies

Morningglorious · 02/05/2015 17:02

NC due to this situation maybe outing where I live! Not sure here to start with this one, but my friend has become obsessive and I'm not sure if there's anything I can do.

To cut a long story short, the local council did some work to improve facilities near to where I live. The work was very good and welcomed by most people who live nearby. My friend lives further away than I do to where most of the work was done but comes to the area regularly. Despite the majority of people being really happy with what was done, my friend was upset about one aspect of it. She tried to whip locals into a frenzy and started a petition demanding the council change their minds. She got what she wanted but it had an unintended consequence that something else they were planning had to be scrapped. My friend went on to complain repeatedly to the council about it but they didn't change their minds. At this point she tried to backtrack as a few people started to blame her for what had happened, but nothing changed.

Since this happened, my friend has not been able to let it go. She has started a campaign against the council which has involved sending hundreds of emails over the past month. She seems to believe she's performing some kind of public service by making complaints about every little thing she can think of but it's become obsessive and she is being vindictive. She is of the opinion that council workers are lazy and overpaid and at least they are doing some work for her council tax money. Yes, she did actually say that.

If you were me, would you try talking to her about possibly letting go of this now? I am worried about how much time she has dedicated to this, it has sometimes involved her staying up until the early hours writing complaints.

OP posts:
ThingummyJigg · 02/05/2015 17:14

This does sound worrying - what else is going on in her life? How has this become so important to her?

I think I would try to talk to her too.

blushingbooty · 02/05/2015 17:15

She's sounds a bit obsessed OP. Is their some special significance about the rejected thing? Something personal to her that could be riven by grief or some other strong emotion.

Yes, I'd say something to her. I wouldn't say drop or stop but I would tell her she's invested a lot of energy in it and that you don't understand why. She may tell you something you don't know or she may say reasons you see as illogical that you can counter to find out why this is such a fixation for her.

How do other people react to her doing this? The ones who you mentioned started to blame her?

sooperdooper · 02/05/2015 17:17

It does sound like bizarre behaviour, how is she apart from this one issue? Has she had these kind of obsessions before? Are her complaints coherent or just ranting?

measles64 · 02/05/2015 17:17

I have an obsessive colleague, trust me there is nothing you can do we have all tried to help her as have her family. Just keep a low profile and distance yourself.

Morningglorious · 02/05/2015 17:21

Sadly, people have started laughing at her behind her back. Our DCs go to the same school and these are school mums.

I don't think there can be any special connection that is making this such a big deal to her. It's not an area she has much to do with besides her DCs playing there (most of the facilities that the council have put in are for children). My friend has not worked since her youngest child was born and I wonder if she is perhaps feeling a bit like this has given her something to focus on other than caring for the family.

OP posts:
Morningglorious · 02/05/2015 17:24

Complaints are coherent from what I can gather but they are vindictive and largely unnecessary. She knows the councils policy on responding to complaints so she is trying to tie up staff time on her emails to get her own back.

OP posts:
AwkwardSquad · 02/05/2015 17:25

From your description of her behaviour, she will very likely soon be classed as a vexatious complainant by the council on the receiving end of her complaints.

I wouldn't try to persuade her to stop as I doubt that anything you say will have much impact if she's invested this much energy and emotion into her vendetta, and she might decide that you're against her too.

You could try just pointing out, as an observation, that it seems a tad extreme. It might help her take a little step back?

Morningglorious · 02/05/2015 17:35

Awkward - that is exactly my dilemma. If I was to say anything she could just dismiss me as being against her. She is fixated on this. In one day, she says she sent over 50 emails.

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 02/05/2015 17:40

What a selfish cow! Does she not realise that all that time spent dealing with her vindictive rantings is taking time away from them sorting out actual problems? Has she any idea of the very limited budgets that our councils have to work with thanks to Pickles, the twat ?

I don't think I could be friends with someone like that.

Timeforabiscuit · 02/05/2015 17:43

As awkward says, she will reach a point where the council start the vexatious complaints procedure. As there are sometimes hidden vulnerabilities with these complainants, it is handled with that in mind.

The complaints section are amazing in my council, the kinds of stuff they come up against beggars belief.

pictish · 02/05/2015 17:47

I'd have to tell her. I couldn't keep quiet I'm afraid.
I mean honestly, as a friend you can't go on supporting this carry on can you? She's going to realise you don't agree with her behaviour sooner or later so you may as well tell her straight.

NorahDentressangle · 02/05/2015 18:02

Ignore her behavior (and her if you have to). By looking concerned you are proving to her that what she is doing is having an effect.

She'll drop it sooner or later.

Yes, it could be providing a distraction from whatever the real problem is - but she needs to work this out herself.

KentonArcher · 02/05/2015 18:09

You could perhaps also point out to her that the people having to deal with her numerous emails/requests are most certainly NOT the same people who are responsible for making decisions or cancelling her scheme. Councils don't work like. So her argument for making them pay is not logical.

blushingbooty · 03/05/2015 18:10

You definitely need to point it out to her then OP. You'll probably collect her wrath though. Or just ignore all mentions and change the subject?

If people are now laughing at her, then she really should know but I think she'll probably turn it around on you.

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