To be annoyed at oh for agreeing to work

[AGirlCalledBoB]

Ok hang in there with me.

I have a ds(19months) with oh who works shift work. I am on my last year of a degree and have to hand in my dissertation on Tuesday. Oh was schedualled to finish work at 9 in the morning on Monday and agreed to have ds so I could travel into uni and do what I have to do to hand it all in. Tuesday he is working all day.

He has just text me telling me he has agreed to work on Monday all day. We met at his workplace, I know it would have been accepted if he explained the situation and told his manager he has ds and it will be hard to change the plans at short notice.

Instead he has told me to just find a babysitter. I am annoyed on so many levels:

1. My family have already had ds 3 times this week and besides you changed the plans, why don't you tell work you can work once you sort out childcare.

1. I was really really counting on him to have ds. When ds is at a babysitter, I can't stay at uni as long as I like and instead have to get home to him to bed. He knew this so should have thought about this before he agreed to the shift.

1. I think my views are clouded because I did actually ask him to take a few days holiday for me to do work without worrying about ds and he forgot so i have had to juggle coursework with ds the whole time.

I think I am being unfair, but I am just so stressed trying to complete work, and I had a funeral yesterday. I just feel disappointed because I was counting on him. I know have to try and find a babysitter and that won't be easy. If I don't it's going to be hard finishing all of my dissertation.

Yanbu, he should be supporting you with your studies especially the last leg of it. Also he agreed to be there for your ds. I think it's him who should sort out the babysitter.

I don't think you're being unfair at all.

Why is it your job to find a babysitter? If he agreed with you that looking after his child would be his responsibility on Monday because you would be doing course work then it is his responsibility to find a babysitter.

You are not being unreasonable at all! You need to tell him that working is fine but you will be out of the house from 8 until 8pm so he needs to make arrangements for your son. What an arse! Can he not contact his employer and let them know the situation?

Is your child his child OP? Do you live with your OH?

Ass PP have said, he needs to sort the childcare. He can't just assume that you'll be free to cover, especially after you've already discussed that you are at Uni that day. His fuck up, he can sort it out.

Thank you, I was worried if stress and tiredness was clouding my view.
If I can get hold of my mum she will agree to have him hopefully, but I feel bad because she has had him a lot this week and it was agreed he would have ds and she is having health problems but I have not got a choice. Uni won't let me take my son into their computer rooms for me to print work off.

He won't ask my family to have ds and his family are not really involved in our son's life.

The reality is you will have to find a babysitter. But really, he's in the wrong. Your DS is your joint responsibility - your coursework is no more or less important that his work - you gave him notice you would need support and childcare and he's just disregarded it as if your needs are nothing. Now I appreciate that income is important - but it's not as if his job is on the line if he doesn't work. All that was required from him was some pre-planning. He's let you down, and he hasn't had the grace to either admit it or rectify it for you.

You need to tell him that you will be leaving at X time and coming home at Y time and he needs to either be there, or get someone else suitable to be there and he is not allowed to ask your family.
You'll find that if you make it his problem every time he absolves himself from parenting when you have plans he will quickly learn that rustling up childcare in a short period of time is actually quite tricky.
YANBU, but this is not your problem so pass it back to him to resolve.

YANB unfair at all.
If he was responsible for ds on Monday and now he has agreed to work, then he has to work out what he is going to do with ds.
That said - will the University facilities be open on BH ?

Do not ask your DM! She has health problems and this is not her problem to resolve. Honestly of you don't want this to be happening for the next decade then nip it in the bud now and tell him that the only way he can work is if he sorts childcare.
Then call your DM and tell her that under no circumstances is she to do this as she's done enough already.

I'm still not clear OP. Is your child your OH's child and do you live with him? He seems to feel that being a parent is primarily your job.

Yes ds is my oh's child and yep we do live together. I think that my oh does take it for granted that I will have ds or my mum will

In that case you need to make it very clear that looking after your child is as much his responsibility as yours. If he can't sort out a babysitter he will have to look after his child on Monday as agreed.

I feel for you OP

Try not to let this derail your dissertation after you've worked so hard. Do what you must to get your child looked after and your dissertation handed in, and have sort this out with him afterwards. He really should be supporting you more but its a dangerous distraction right now. Be strong and keep studying

Thank you everyone for the advice. My partner has got his shift down to 2pm to 7pm and is doing drop off and pick up to my aunt who lives down the road from his workplace.

He also does not know yet that tonight he will be doing bath time and bedtime so I can do a couple of hours of work.

I think the question of BU or NBU depends on if you really need the money, not ideal if you do that he expects you to find a bbsitter but no unreasonable if he is doing it for the good of the family.