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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To become a SAHM?

29 replies

Holden10 · 01/05/2015 12:24

I know these types of threads are done to death but I could do with a bit of advice.

I'm 22 and finished university in May last year, walked into a part-time trainee post in my dream job (specific job for which I studied). The managers however let me work full time hours and paid me accordingly. I got married in August and got pregnant straight away. Whilst knowing that I'm pregnant, my managers came to me and offered to extend my contract to full time hours to stop the regular mix ups that went along with having to submit overtime forms, etc. I said yes, but feel now that this really wasn't a good idea long term.

I am due my baby at the end of this month having now gone on maternity leave, and already I know I don't want to go back to my job full time. I can obviously ask to go part time in my job at the end of my maternity leave but I don't want to count on that for now which is why I could do with a bit of advice now. DH has a good job, so from a financial perspective we can afford for me to either work PT or be a SAHM.

The benefits of being PT would mean that I could complete my training in my dream job, and could stop working in the future, and then more easily get another job in the same field (trainee posts in my field are few and far between). We'd have a little more disposable income, etc. However I don't want to have to leave my baby when financially I don't have to. Due to the length of my contract and maternity pay entitlements I am not required to go back or repay money, as someone who has worked there longer would.

Being only 22 and having only worked full time for a year before giving up to be a SAHM, I am fearing judgement. Especially because I worked so hard to complete my degree, volunteered for years and was extremely lucky to get my job in the first place. Would it be unreasonable not to go back in a year? Could do with a bit of perspective, everyone I've spoken to IRL have just given me a non-commital "it's your choice" but obviously I want to make the right one.

Sorry for the essay. Just not sure what to do.

OP posts:

plantsitter · 01/05/2015 12:36

Well, really you're in a good position because you'll get maternity pay on a full time position. In your shoes, i would make no decision until I had to - can't remember when this is but is it 6 months in when you have to tell work? Your life is about to change. You might be desperate to get back to it when the time comes, or you might feel you don't want the baby. Experience tells me it would be wiser to keep a hand in (sahm of 4 years) but ultimately it is 100% your decision and you CAN'T live your life based on whether or not you'll be judged by people who can't know the full story because they're not you.

Heels99 · 01/05/2015 12:39

Go back part time. Don't give up your career at age 22.

TarkaTheOtter · 01/05/2015 12:41

I'm a SAHM. But in your position I would go back. I hated my job and intend to retrain when I eventually return to work. Yours is your dream job. Dream jobs with pt hours are a pretty thin on the ground.

littlemslazybones · 01/05/2015 12:46

or you might feel you don't want the baby.

everyone has that moment

Babyroobs · 01/05/2015 12:56

I would definately go back part time, as you are very young and have good career prospects. No way would I give up my ideal job unless I was absolutely certain I could walk back into it after a few years away.

WhispersOfWickedness · 01/05/2015 12:59

Please please please try and go part time. I have been a SAHM for 5.5 years and I wish someone had told me at the time how difficult it would be to get back into work now

Nolim · 01/05/2015 13:02

Dont make any decisions now before the baby is born. Your priorities can change during mat leave. Maybe you will love to sah or not.

Sallycinnamum · 01/05/2015 13:05

I echo the other poster's comments-go back part time if you can.

I took voluntary redundancy from my well paid job when I had my first DC and it's taken six years in frankly shit jobs to get back to the level I was at in 2009.

I found that being a SAHM was alright until I actually did it. I managed a year before I was champing at the bit to get out of the house and get back to work.

We advertised for a part time position in my department late last year. We had 150 applications, a good percentage of which were from very well qualified working and non-working mothers who wanted to get back to work.

Competition is beyond tough especially for part time jobs. Don't do anything drastic. You never know what's round the corner. Maintaining your financial independence is also really important.

tippytappywriter · 01/05/2015 13:06

Go back part time and complete your training. You just don't know if being a sahp will suit you. Part time you can see if the days off are better!

Topseyt · 01/05/2015 13:10

I was a SAHM for 15 years because of childcare costs. For the last year I have been working again part time, but it was very hard to get back into paid employment. I never intended for it to be quite so long, but I actually spent the last 3 or 4 years of it desperately trying to look for work during the recession.

From experience therefore, I would be inclined to suggest keeping your hand in. Part-time if you can get back to it would be ideal. If it is your dream job and opportunities are few and far between then you way well look back and regret it if you don't.

The workplace changes so fast. Your training and experience can very quickly become out of date and less relevant.

Ultimately though, see how things go over the first few months with your baby after birth. Make no decision just yet, and things may well become clearer in your mind over time. Having a baby is a huge change, so it takes time to adjust and see what may work and what won't.

FunkyPeacock · 01/05/2015 13:10

Agree with other replies. Don't make any decision until you have to and think very carefully about giving up your career at such a young age and before your training is complete. Since your employers have already allowed you to work PT in the past then I would have thought you'd have a good chance of being able to negotiate PT hours once your maternity leave is up

Purplepoodle · 01/05/2015 13:14

Try pt. Give it 6 months then if it's still not for u pack it in.

mugglingalong · 01/05/2015 13:14

Could your dh do a condensed week or pt too - you get better tax breaks that way. You work 3 days/ week if work ok with that. It means your baby is with one parent 5 days a week, you get to finish your training and have greater future flexibility. Bizarre as it may sound to you now, the hardest years for many to work through are the primary school years. If you can get yourself and your family into a good position for those then you can be more flexible.

Unless you plan to have a large family over a long period of time you will need to think about your long term career strategy. Your child will be 18 when you are 40. They will be off to Uni etc leaving you with 20-30 years of work ahead of you. Make sure too that you take child care vouchers etc from both incomes - it's not just your responsibility.

plantsitter · 01/05/2015 13:14

Ha! Yes of course I meant 'don't want to leave the baby'. but as littlemisslazybones says, don't be surprised if you have a moment or two like the original!

hennybeans · 01/05/2015 13:15

Finish your training and keep your pt hours. I'm a sahm and I love it, but it's not everyone's cup of tea and you don't know until you try it for a while.

Also, pt jobs that are interesting, fulfilling and pay more than min wage are so hard to come by. YABVU to give that up, unfortunately. It sounds like it would be very difficult to get back into your work if you let this chance go.

You have most likely~50 years ahead of you before retirement and odds are you won't want to be a housewife that whole time (although nothing is wrong with those who are, I'm currently on the fence myself).

TheBookofRuth · 01/05/2015 13:21

In your position,I'd go back to work - and that's coming from a happy SAHM. I was in my 30s when I gave up work, and at a fairly senior level in my career. Should I wish to return to work, I have a lot of skills and experience to draw on - and even then would have to go back at a much lower level and work my way back up.

You don't have that. Give up work now, and when you want to go back your brief work experience will be essentially meaningless, and you'll be up against younger, more ambitious recent graduates for the same jobs.

I'd really advise against giving up your career at such a young age.

nottheOP · 01/05/2015 13:22

I wouldn't make the decision now.

I knew I'd have to go back when I got pregnant with DS but thought I'd hate it. In reality, I'd be awful as a SAHM. The variety of going to work and then spending time as a family means that I have a lot more patience and energy for quality time.

Wait and see is basically the moral of the story. You may turn out to be all mother earth, baby led or you might want to work in that dream job, even if it is some of the time. Luckily, you don't have to make up your mind until it's nearly time to return, if I remember correctly.

306235388 · 01/05/2015 13:33

I was in a remarkably similar position to you a few years ago. I became a SAHM BUT my degree wasn't vocational so I knew I'd have to retrain probably at some point anyways and was in a career but not my dream career. I have 2 dc now and when youngest starts school I will be retraining.

In your position I would absolutely go part time.

Stopandlook · 01/05/2015 13:45

Don't fear judgment, if that's the only thing preventing you from giving up. But, I would absolutely agree that you should wait until baby is born and life has fallen into some sort of routine before you decide.

Cadenza1818 · 01/05/2015 13:49

Um going to offer contrary advice here. A few friends had babies at 21 /22 and we're sahm until kids went to school. They've now done degrees and got better jobs than me. You've got a lifetime of having a career and a short time of your baby and toddler being at home. That said you've got to work out if you're a better mum by being a sahm or wohm. That is only.something you can decide after baby is born. Congratulations ??

Cabrinha · 01/05/2015 13:57

I think you'd be a fool not to complete your training when you even have the opportunity to do it part time.

NickyEds · 01/05/2015 13:59

Go back pt and get trained up. I'm a SAHM and I enjoy it but it's really not everyone's cup of tea at all. And you don't really get a trial run. Dream jobs with on site training and pt hours are hens teeth so take advantage of it. I certainly wouldn't burn any bridges so to speak, at least leave the door wide open for yourself until your baby's here and you perhaps know a bit better what you want.

bettybyebye · 01/05/2015 14:02

In your position I would absolutely go back part time

Topseyt · 01/05/2015 14:10

Yes, it is true that the primary school years are pretty full on and demanding, and were part of the reason I ended up not working for so long.

Secondary school is easier, as children are pretty much reaching the age where they can take care of themselves for a few hours a day.

Keep your hand in though. It really is best, and will give you choices in the future if you can safeguard at least some of your financial independence.

noodle8000 · 01/05/2015 14:13

Another vote for part-time. Good luck! :)

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