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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to force my DD's to phone their dad every night

19 replies

Cluesue · 30/04/2015 19:57

My Dd's 9 and 2 have been ringing their dad every night they don't see him for about 9 months,they don't usually want to but he insists on it.

Nightmare ensues if the 2 year old falls asleep early,he never believes me.

Tuesday night Dd1 forgot to ring him(in other words I forgot) and had to endure a lecture when he came to see them yesterday,how upset he was,how he waited for the phone call,really laid it on thick.

After they'd gone to bed I explained to him how it was a genuine accident,we'd had early night,busy,slipped our minds,I also pointed out yet again that they really don't want to phone him all the time,his reply "well why not".

OP posts:

Looseleaf · 30/04/2015 20:03

This seems really unfair to ask of them - our DC always want to be 'doing' things and will only use the phone once a fortnight or so but only to be kind usually as it takes them away from playing and other stuff.
I can understand how important it is for their dad to be connected and involved but it seems very thoughtless he can't understand this is demanding of them.

Could you point a camera at them on Skype instead so he can see them playing and interact with their games or something? This is a tricky one

Looseleaf · 30/04/2015 20:05

Or couldnt he tell them bedtime stories over Skype so he 'sees' them but doesn't put pressure on them to be on the phone?

magoria · 30/04/2015 20:08

He should phone them not the other way around.

Tell him from now in it is down to him and if they want to chat then they will but if they don't that is down to them not you.

browneyedgirl86 · 30/04/2015 20:08

Why doesn't he phone them? Genuine question?

My dad did this to me as a kid. His excuse was you never phone me. I was a child! It's unfair particularly on the 2 year old. They won't hold long conversations. I second the poster who said Skype.

OneEyedWilly · 30/04/2015 20:10

YANBU. Every night is a lot to ask of children in general let alone a 2 year old. He is being extremely unreasonable.

Original poster

Cluesue · 30/04/2015 20:14

He lives at most 20 minute walk away,surely if he was that desperate he could physically come see them.

He comes to see them Wednesday evenings,I stay with them at his on a Friday and Saturday night(longer thread than I could ever write) he has them Saturday day and we are there until lunchtime.

OP posts:

FindoGask · 30/04/2015 20:15

Also in my experience children don't treat phone conversations like most adults do. Both my daughters are lively and gregarious souls, but put them on the phone even to someone they love, and they go all awkward and shy. It's just words coming out of a phone to them, they don't seem to connect the voice to the person in the same way adults do.

Original poster

Cluesue · 30/04/2015 20:15

He can't phone them as he doesn't always have credit on his phone

OP posts:

Original poster

Cluesue · 30/04/2015 20:16

I only have iPad and he only has internet on his phone,not sure skype possible

OP posts:

Original poster

Cluesue · 30/04/2015 20:18

Sorry should have said are there until Sunday lunchtime.

OP posts:

StayGoldPonyBoy · 30/04/2015 20:22

You can Skype via iPad/mobile and there are plenty of apps where you can make free calls via the Internet eg Viber and Whatsapp.

You can't make them phone him every single night, since he sees them often anyway it's definitely unnecessary and very unreasonable of him to emotionally blackmail them, especially when your eldest will understand this and feel guilty. That isn't fair, and they won't enjoy him as they'll see communicating with him as a sense of obligation rather than wanting to chat because they enjoy it. If he can't see that, then he'll learn the hard way when they get old enough to not be forced to see or speak to him!

Original poster

Cluesue · 30/04/2015 20:26

Thank you I'll look into skype.

So basically ianbu to give them the choice of whether or not they want to call/skype?
I genuinely wouldn't be worried if the roles were reversed,like mentioned by posters,if I was desperate to speak to them I'd ring myself.

OP posts:

magoria · 30/04/2015 20:26

Not having credit is his problem not yours.

You need to work on some boundaries rather than you and your DC bending over backwards to do for this man.

Akire · 30/04/2015 20:26

He is being unreasonable, he's seeing them 3 times a week so surely not seeing them Sunday Monday Tuesday ok maybe one call on aonday. Sees them Wednesday then Friday and Saturday. So one call a week is plenty at this age.
Just nagging the children will only make them feel like it's a chore

CheapSunglasses · 30/04/2015 20:28

I can't work out if you and him are together or not?

He sounds very controlling.

YANBU.

Starlightbright1 · 30/04/2015 20:28

No you are not unreasonable..however there is obviously far more to this story..but there sound like a lot of control issues for all of you.

MagicHouse · 30/04/2015 20:31

You need to change these arrangements. It doesn't sound like they have any time at all just to be with and relax with you. It's too much to call every night they're with you. Also, you need some weekends that they can just chill with you. You need to approach him to change things, maybe with a friend around to support you?

HattyMonkey · 30/04/2015 20:36

My dd2's Dad lives a ferry ride and he sees her every 3-4 weeks and doesn't expect daily calls. He realises at age 4 that she is just not up for that pressure. He will call and if she wants to chat fine. Sometimes she will want to call him if something exciting has happened. I keep him up to date on anything important.

Coyoacan · 30/04/2015 20:38

Gosh you are a push-over OP, making your children do this everynight because he can't bothered and then apologising because the little one fell asleep

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