to resign myself to the fact that there's no way I can do this degree due to lack of childcare?

[MrsHuxtableReturns]

I'm desperately trying to think of ways to make this work.

I want to do a nursing degree in a couple of years time but I might well be a single parent by then.

DC will be 3 and 5 and in nursery (9-12) and school (9-3) respectively.

The degree has pretty random blocks of uni (mostly 9-3) and placements (whatever shifts the mentor works I believe is the norm).

So I'd need somebody to take over the school run in the mornings on the days that I can't do it and somebody to pick up from school and nursery. During uni blocks I should be home by 4 the latest. The placements are a big unknown. And of course I won't need the same childcare hours on the same days each week (well, during uni blocks I will but not during placements) which makes it all a rather shitty job for a childminder.

Plus I won't have the financial resources to pay for something like a nanny as I'll just have the NHS bursary and ctc.

I'm getting really down about it but there's no way forward with this, is there?

[Inkanta]

It is very hard work trying to do it now. It's not just the childcare. The assignments take over your mind. Be prepared for that. But I understand you wanting a profession for the future, and nursing is pretty much secure work, like teaching.

[MrsHuxtableReturns]

No way would I no be the resident parent. I will rather stay in my dead end job forever.

[bumblingbovine49]

I have a friend who has done this. She was "effectively" a single parent with three children. Her partner at the time did help with school runs etc but was quite unreliable. she had no other help from family, though I did help with school runs when I could

From what I observed , it is the placements that are a killer . You are effectively working full time but still need to do essays, and coursework etc on top of that. Also there is no long summer break. She only had August off and two weeks at Christmas and Easter. That was if she didn't fail any assessments. If she failed something she had to attend college in August and retake the assessment before September.

In the first and second year she seems to do one or two placement of 10 weeks each and in the third year three placements of 10 weeks each. All the placements were on shifts that seemed to vary at short notice and were always such that she could not in any way do both school runs, even though the children were in both breakfast club and after school club.

The placements were sometimes far away, sometimes they were night shifts or 7am to 4pm or 1pm to 9pm. The fact that they were shift hours and full time was less of an issue than the fact that the hours were rarely agreed until the first day of the placement meaning she couldn't arrange childcare as she didn't know the hours she would be working until she had started the placement. Students seem to get get much less notice of changes to their shifts than a nurse would get.

She was often asked to stay late by mentors at short notice with no sympathy given if she mentioned she had to pick children up. She found it hard to refuse because the mentors would sometimes hint that they would mark her down if she didn't stay. The placements are credit bearing so if the mentor fails you, you need to redo the placement somewhere else. This means the mentors have a lot of power over students and some of them (not all) do seem to abuse that.

She was in a bad relationship but she stayed because that was the only consistent help she got with the school run. In the end her relationship broke down and she ended up having to drop out only a few months before finishing her degree as she just couldn't manage the school runs, with the last placement on top of a very messy break up. There is a bursery for nursing which included money for childcare but it isn't a great deal of money at all.

Being a student nurse and a parent of young children is not faint hearted. Being a student nurse and a single parent of young children with no childcare help and support seems like it would be almost impossible to me.

[ApocalypseThen]

It's actually shocking that your husband can veto your plans by refusing to care for his own children. How come you're responsible for every moment that it doesn't suit him to do childcare?

[Inkanta]

Can the marriage be saved. When you say that you 'might' be a single parent soon I wonder if it's just a bad patch you're both going through. Do you both still love each other?

[CalamitouslyWrong]

The university will probably have some additional funding that you can apply for in addition to the childcare bursary. This may be called something like 'discretionary funding' or it might come from something like the 'hardship fund'. Scottish universities generally do have these kind of funds but many people don't know about it.

Check with the university you'd be applying to. The NHS bursary (or SAAS support for students on non-NHs funded degrees) is not necessarily the whole funding picture for student parents.

[lalalonglegs]

Would it suit you to move somewhere to be nearer family support? Could you consider an au pair plus a lodger (possibly a nurse him/herself - might get help with your assignments ) so there is an adult on hand to cover night shifts - obviously, such responsibilities would mean a low rent.

I know au pairs are meant to work only a few hours a week but lots of people round here have them and it seems taken for granted that they offer much longer hours than that. I'm not saying it's right, but it's certainly not uncommon.

[DinosaursRoar]

OP - why nursing? Is this a vocation you've always dreamed of? (I would question why you didn't look into it earlier then). Because from what I've seen, it's really not a family friendly career. There might be some set shifts, but those can be hard to get in an area with lots of nurses, it's long, changable hours that make childcare arrangments difficult. Those who manage it that I know, do so because they have a DP or family who can take on responsibility for drop off and pick up from school/before & after school care. On your own, this will be a difficult career to have with school aged children.

Perhaps you need to think about what other career routes you could take?

[hibbledibble]

As a nursing student you will get grants including a childcare grant. As a single parent you would also get extra payments too. It is completely doable! You may also get child tax credits depending on your circumstances.

A good option would be to top your youngest child up to 9-3 at preschool with the childcare grant, and have an au pair for wrap around care. The great bonus with au pairs is the flexibility, as you will need 'out of hours' cover for your placements. If you have family/friends who could help with this cover then you could alternatively use the childcare vouchers for before and after school clubs and a full time nursery for your youngest.

[ThinkIveBeenHacked]

Are your parents around? Could you have a CM full time for both dcs (sending them during placements too as you will need to sleep some daytimes), then as and when you have to work overnight, the DCs could sleep at their Grandparents who could get them to the CMs?

[MrsHuxtableReturns]

He can do this because I'm the one who wants to split. I we stayed together and he stayed in his current job or similar I think we could swing it with a flexible childminder

At my local uni not all placements are that long and they are mostly at the local hospital.

Can you please help me figure out what I'd need my husband to do to make this work? Besides being he resident parent.

[HagOtheNorth]

'No way would I no be the resident parent. I will rather stay in my dead end job forever.'

Sometimes the choices are very tough and none of them are what you want. if you don't think you could work out a compromise with him being the resident parent, and you have no one wo would be prepared and able to do the level of intensive childcare required, then perhaps deferring your plans a few years might be the only way. That way it's not forever, just not now.
Why is he unsuitable to be the resident parent?

[HagOtheNorth]

'Can you please help me figure out what I'd need my husband to do to make this work? '

You just need to make sure that the children are the shared top priority for both of you, all the time. Easy to type, way harder to do over years.

[ThinkIveBeenHacked]

Could the dcs stay with him during placements only? Still using same CM, but staying with dad overnight?

Still doesnt address what will happen when you qualify, as, much as you can pretty much set your own shifts, they still have to be varied and long.

[ApocalypseThen]

He can do this because I'm the one who wants to split.

No. He doesn't get to do that. They're equally his kids, it's equally his responsibility to organize childcare. They aren't leverage for h to keep you in a relationship you don't want. He needs to seriously get real about this obligations. And you do too - you shouldn't be accepting that absolute crap from him.

[Inkanta]

Something about this feels hasty.

Maybe you need to hold your horses and think.

Why is the marriage over?

[MrsHuxtableReturns]

I'm from abroad so I can't mover closer to family for support. I'm obviously no allowed to take the children out of the country.

The uni does have a hardship fund but it doesn't cater for nursing studens any longer. There is a separate one for them now and maximum awards are £250 a year.

Husband would be capable of being the resident parent but I don't want that. Simple as. I'm not prepared to not have them with me the majority of the time while they're young.

So if my husband was cooperative? How would it work? Have him finish work at 4 or something and take the children home til I get there on the days that I'd be away longer?

[MrsHuxtableReturns]

I'm not being hasty. The marriage shouldn't have started in the first place. I was just naive and stupid so this is me paying the price now.

[HagOtheNorth]

Exactly ApocalypseThen , and he should be equally prepared to care for his children as a parent. They can live with him in the family home, have consistency in their friendships and schooling and the OP can do the training.
If she moves into rented, placements and time for essays will be easier to manage. When it's finished, they can work out the next step.

[frikadela01]

At my local uni not all placements are that long and they are mostly at the local hospital

I'm afraid they will be long. It isn't university that decides that. The NMC states you have to do a minimum and amount of placement hours. You do equal placement and theory hours equaling 4600 hours. Your final placement is typically 12 weeks long.

However as others have said uni is just the beginning. When I trained lots of people struggled with the course due to child care but didnt thing about once they qualified. As a student you aren't in the number so a lot of places can be more flexible (although not all places are) once you qualify you are at the mercy of whoever does the rotas and although ideally they are done well in advance this isn't always the case.
As for all placements been at the local hospital... don't bet on it. most universities have a huge placement patch to accommodate what is usually high number of students. I trained in Bradford and that stretches all the way into the dales... pain in the arse for travelling.

Sorry to be a downer but this is the reality... student nursing is very very difficult for lone parents without support and once youre qualifies it often gets Harder... sorry to be a misery but you have to think about these things.

[MrsHuxtableReturns]

The marriage should be over because I've not been in love with him for the last 7 years or so. But I was too naive and scared to admit it.

But he deserves to be with somebody who wants to be with him, I deserve to be with somebody I want to be with and our children deserve a peaceful home.

[HagOtheNorth]

'Husband would be capable of being the resident parent but I don't want that. Simple as. I'm not prepared to not have them with me the majority of the time while they're young.'

Do you think that's fair? I worked and OH was the SAHP, I earned more than him and given a choice I'd rather have stayed at home. But he was capable and they had a very secure and happy time as infants, so I compromised.
You seem to want the whole show.

[Viviennemary]

I too don't want to be negative but it will be very difficult coping with shift work and so on being a single parent. Iwould think twice about nursing and look into other options. But on the other hand I'm sure others have done it. So there must be a way. I think it's good you are thinking about the future and pensions and so on because some people don't seem to give this a thought.

[MrsHuxtableReturns]

frikadela, I'm thinking about these things which is why I know the system my uni works in regards to where placements take place.

But yes, I suppose I should think about alternatives in regards to what I might want to do.

I don't know what is so hard to understand about the fact I don't want my husband to be the main resident parent at this point. I don't want it, he doesn't want it, the children wouldn't be as happy. Surely the obvious solution if I can't make the nursing degree work is to find another career, not leave my children. No offence to anyone who isn't a resident parent but it's not for our family. At all.

[HagOtheNorth]

'Surely the obvious solution if I can't make the nursing degree work is to find another career, not leave my children. '

Yes