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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want MIL to come on holiday?

19 replies

hopeful31yrs · 30/04/2015 13:46

I posted a few weeks ago about (my retired and fully mobile) MIL not venturing to see my 16 month old DD and me not particularly wanting to go out of my way to travel (on my only days off - few and far between) all the way to see them when they keep cancelling their trips to see us. My DH mentioned the other day that we were thinking about going somewhere on holiday - much needed as we haven't had time off together for ages and would like to go somewhere as a trial run with DD (before thinking about a more expensive trip abroad). MIL has told DH that she "would come and babysit" - Arrgggghhhh. Just invite yourself along then...! DH swiftly told her no, but it's come up again within 48 hrs.

I can't see how she has switched from cancelling every visit over the last 6 months including coming over for Christmas and DD's 1st birthday to suddenly being able to come (uninvited) on a specific date. Entirely reluctant to spend that amount of money on booking extra facilities for them if a) they flake again and b) it's a ROMANTIC and FAMILY getaway!

Why are MILs so complicated?

OP posts:

MonstrousRatbag · 30/04/2015 13:49

Well, I think your DH will have to say firmly that you need some nuclear family time, so it's just going to be the three of you, which is perfectly reasonable I think. He could sweeten the pill by offering some other kind of visit with them. Judging by past form it will never come to pass!

ConfusedInBath · 30/04/2015 13:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ollieplimsoles · 30/04/2015 13:55

If she has cancelled in the past this might be a knee jerk offer that she doesn't fully intend to stick to this time as well. Your hubby does need to make this clear that you just want to go alone and don't need a baby sitter.

BarbarianMum · 30/04/2015 13:58

Just get dh to reiterate the "no, not this time. "

Where do your in-laws stay when they stay with you? It does seem strange that they keep cancelling. Do you have an uncomfortable put you up, or a freezing house like us or insist on serving only raw vegan food?

2rebecca · 30/04/2015 14:04

He just keeps saying no, it's a romantic and relaxing holiday away for the 3 of you. Keeping on bringing it up is just rude, and I'd tell her to stop bringing the subject up and trying to invite herself if she keeps doing it. Some MILs don't take hints and you end up having to be rude to them.

Original poster

hopeful31yrs · 30/04/2015 14:05

They either stay with us (we give up our very lovely bedroom and en-suite and shack up with our 16 month old which is fine for that period of time) or have rented a hotel room in the past. I don't serve anything vile that I know about ...

MIL has also stayed at my parents house in the past and i'm not sure they were inhospitable in any way

Sorry Confused - didn't mean to tar every MIL with the same brush

OP posts:

DartmoorDoughnut · 30/04/2015 14:09

Your DH has told her no, as long as both of you don't want her to come on holiday with you I'm not sure how she'll be able to?!

Joyfulldeathsquad · 30/04/2015 14:11

Oh she will come because it's something she gets benefit from.

Just say no it's honestly that easy. Be vague if she asks you where your going. It's all booked up ect...

My mil invited herself in our holiday plans - then invited two of her friends who was going to bring her husband

I told them we hand changed our minds then booked somewhere else with out telling them. Obviously it was a last min thing ... Had to go next day

Leeds2 · 30/04/2015 14:12

Just book your break for the three of you, preferably somewhere which is nearly sold out! When telling her that you have done this, be very vague about where you are actually going.

MonstrousRatbag · 30/04/2015 14:22

One of the things I will forever adore DH for is having my parents along on our family holiday for the last two years of my father's life. It cheered my parents up immensely and was a real respite for my mother. It was a huge imposition on DH in particular, because it's different when it is not your parents. It is not something we would normally have done, much as I love my parents.

I think having a holiday just with spouse and children is actually really important. It's having relaxed time to bond and just hang out that you don't get in the whole whirl of work, childcare, everyday life.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 30/04/2015 14:23

Get your DH to keep saying no. Don't tell her any further details so she doesn't know them, then she won't know where or when to turn up.

Bodyinpyjamas10 · 30/04/2015 14:28

Defiantly say no no and no again.

Going on holiday with friends can ruin a good friendship and ditto with family.

It's odd she keeps cancelling though. Is she just flaky?

And mmmm some mils! Not all need firm handling.

ollieplimsoles · 30/04/2015 14:30

joyfull oh dear, we had to keep our honeymoon location a secret from mil because when she found out it was in the UK, she was insistent on coming and spending the day/ over night with us in our romantic honeymoon cabin

DazzleU · 30/04/2015 14:40

I'd be firm - DH wasn't.

We got first trip away with DC they predicted disaster but we had great time so pre booked - next found they'd book same place same time as us to help us and babysit - four years it went on and they baby sat twice.

Made it work but it is harder as there are more people to accommodate activates round and you don't get the nuclear family time.

We are doing something else this year - but there are already noises.

Anniegetyourgun · 30/04/2015 15:31

You don't see why she's switched to suddenly being available? Because it's a holiday. I may be doing your MIL a massive disservice, but wouldn't be entirely surprised if she didn't expect to pay as she's doing you a favour with the babysitting...

(Note: not a habitual MIL basher as I am one, and my own late MIL was lovely.)

meddie · 30/04/2015 15:52

Say no. I would bet my life that no babysitting will occur.

2rebecca · 30/04/2015 18:00

I think extended family holidays can be great if all parties are happy with the idea. Inviting yourself on someone else's holiday isn't on though, and I would get angry with any relative who just turned up at my holiday destination and they'd be told it was intrusive.
A bit of babysitting won't make up for the lack of privacy and autonomy for the rest of the holiday.

BudsBeginingSpringinSight · 30/04/2015 18:42

op lots of mls seem to be complicated and n the same ways

Original poster

hopeful31yrs · 30/04/2015 19:13

We're keeping plans last minute and she won't be turning up. My DD wouldn't know her from the next door neighbours - so I wouldn't feel comfortable with babysitting duties anyway. My MIL likes to buy us things so I suspect if she ever came on holiday she would make a huge fuss about paying. She's the type that will go out at the crack of dawn (24 hr shops have a lot to answer for) to the shops because you mentioned liking something in conversation. I suspect there is a reason for this but DH won't tell me what she's over compensating for.

She is flakey - prior to my wedding I went for hair and make up appt deliberately arranged with someone close to them so she could be included. I travelled 2.5hrs to the appt and she cancelled when we were 20 mins away saying she had "explosive sneezing".

OP posts:

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