To still be annoyed and hurt by friend

[LayMeDown]

My dad died a few months ago. It was terribly unexpected and sudden.
All my good friends came to his funeral except one. I get on well with her. I see he about as often as I see most of my old school friends (probably a bit more so). Less than we'd like but as much as we can mange with life, kids, jobs etc. I should say that in the past she has had very bad MH issues and I have always tried to be supportive. She is through the worst and although she still has bad patches she is a lot better than she used to be.
She lives no more than a 20 min drive from where the funeral was. And most of my other friends live nearby. I know at least three of them would have collected her if she felt unable to drive. There is also a direct train that takes about 10-15 mins. She is SAHM so not that she could put get time off. One child in play school so would have been able to come after drop off and back in time. There is no real reason she couldn't have been there.
What hurt most rather than her absence was the lack of contact. Some more distant friends couldn't make it but rang or texted. I heard nothing from her before the funeral. Not a word. She definitely knew btw.
About a week later I got a card in the post, with condolences. Since then I have heard nothing else. It's been almost 5 months and today I got a text from her. Asking how I was, that she's thinking of me and can we meet up? She apologies for not being in contact but not for not being at the funeral.

AIBU to still be so hurt I don't want to reply to text. I am aware that the trauma of Dad's horrific death may be making my reactions disproportionate. It was somewhat cathartic to have someone to be angry with. Maybe she's done the most she's capable of?

YABU it wouldn't occure to me to go to a friends fathers funeral. I would also keep a respectful distance and send a card instead so as not to intrude on the families grief.

I think hear her out and only then decide what you think of how she's behaved..

My best friend didn't offer to come to my father's funeral, also a few months ago. I was really quite hurt but suspended judgment. I'm glad I did. Something terrible happened to her around the time he died. She didn't want to burden me and at the same time knew she would blurt it out if she saw me, so just didn't come.

"Equally I didn't ask her specifically to come because it never occurred to me I needed to."

Sorry but people aren't psychic. I wouldn't think to go unless you invited me.

I think here in Scotland is similar to Ireland - I'd always attend the funerals of friends' parents. Didn't realise England was so different.

Peppermint as explained up thread invitations are not issued to funerals in Ireland. It is not necessary to be psychic to know you attend a good friends fathers funeral. It is the socially accepted norm. There is no way she didn't know she should be there. Or that she should at least contact me if she couldn't be.
There were over 300 people at my dads funeral not one of them invited.

YANBU OP.

No question that people have to be invited to funerals in Ireland, that is simply not the culture.

Laymedown - I am so sorry for your loss, losing a parent is awful.

I think you hit the nail on the head with the last sentence of your first post: maybe your friend did as much as she was capable of doing. she could have been in a low place mentally and the idea of dealing with someone elses loss and grief just freaked her out. And she possibly felt guilty, which then made it harder to make contact with you afterwards.

You wont know unless you are able to ask her, but that in itself brings its own issues. It is early days for you in your grief, and chances are your reactions are slightly disproportionate because sometimes it is easier to get angry at someone else rather than process your own raw grief.

Maybe dont burn your bridges with your friend: tell her you arent ready for a meet up just yet. Put it off for another day, if you think you wont spend the time in between nursing your anger towards her.

No easy answers to this one.

Sorry to hear of your loss. My father also died very suddenly and unexpectedly, and it's very hard to take in, isn't it? - even months later.

Sorry also that your friend's behaviour has been so hurtful. People with mental health issues sometimes feel overwhelmed at the fear of saying the wrong thing and then don't say anything at all, and that can really hurt. It's hard to understand if you've never been there.

But I think it's possible that your friend really has been thinking about you, and really does want to support you; she's just paralysed by the fear of getting it wrong. It probably took her the entire week to decide what to write on the condolences card, and many weeks to work up the courage to contact you.

I hope you'll find a way to work things out with her.

I didn't expect any of my friends to take time off work for my mum's funeral tbh.

I knew that they were thinking of me, that was enough.

Being a SAHM doesn't mean that she could just come, does it?

Thanks everyone. I think I'm going to give it a bit of time. It's all still too raw and I'm too upset still.
I am surprised that it's not the norm I England to go to the funeral of a good friends parent and support them. But it definitely is here so there is no way she didn't know she should come.
There was no practical reason for her not to come. But I guess the emotional ones were too much for her. And that would have been fine if there had been some contact. As I said before that's what hurt the most.

Maybe I'm going against the grain here but I wouldn't be all set to forgive and forget.
Some friendships can be a one way street, mh issues or not.
I had a close friend who I supported every single day througg her pregnancy, her dh being unfaithful and financial difficulties. Then when my ex cheated on me and I went through a traumatic miscarriage she was no where to be seen. I like her but I would not call her a friend after that.
Its your call OP. I do think you should tell her how upset you have been though.

I was going to say the same, ahbollocks.

Sometimes, if a relationship has become established as one way, it takes something like this to show it up. Ime of people not 'being there' at crucial times it is the death knell for the relationship for me. Even if they have shit going on, it takes nothing to send a condolence text, to make contact of some kind. Especially as it is the total norm in the Irish culture.

I'm so sorry about your dad.

Btw im(English)e ppl are absolutely crap with death/bereavement. I suppose it has to happen to you to get it? Once it has happened to you, you know what to do - anything! Anything at all, no matter how awkward, is better than nothing.

Yanbu xx

Yes, English funeral norms still surprise me too, despite living here for aeons - especially ideas about the 'privacy' of grief, not 'intruding', waiting for an invitation to a funeral, assuming funerals are only for people who were very close to the dead person, also the length of time between the death and the funeral.

In Ireland a notice of death, with all funeral details, will go in the next edition of the local paper, and older people especially will always read 'the deaths' before the headlines, in case there's a funeral they should go to. (Made easier by online editions!)

The standard three-part Catholic funeral might even start the night of the day the person dies if they died early in the morning, with the rosary/wake in the house or at a funeral home. In rural areas, funeral details are often read out on the radio with local news, because it's seen as so important. And you might go even if you had never met the dead person, in order to support a bereaved friend, neighbour or colleague. I have definitely felt very touched and supported at the numbers of people who attended my grandparents' and uncles' funerals, especially people who didn't know them but came for my sake.

I think without that context it's probably hard to understand how upset the OP is, as I don't think there's really any equivalent.