To expect DP to stand up to his dad?

[Juniper44]

DD is 18mo. She understands more than we give her credit for. PIL meet her infrequently, maybe 2 or 3 times a year.

Problem is, they are absolute bigots. They 'are angry at the gays for taking ownership of that word', they 'hate all Pakistanis' (no reason given), believe that 'all Muslims are terrorists' etc etc.

DP and I are socialist liberals. Would vote Green but no chance in our area.

Up until now (7 years), I've held my tongue. But now that DD is getting old enough to understand, I'm having to step in and tell them to hold their bigotry.

But.. shouldn't this be DP's job? They are his parents after all.

He has this idea that they'll play nice if he asks them to. He doesn't want to confront them and tell them that they're bigots so it's left to me to do.

I am sick of allowing his pil to express their unpleasant views. I am sick of holding my tongue. I am not going to allow their bigotry to affect my child. AIBU?

YANBU to not want them to express their bigoted views in front of you or your child.

But if your DP has never pulled them up on this before - regardless of his reasons - it's unrealistic to expect that he'll suddenly start doing so now.

So if he's not prepared to confront them on this, you'll have to, like it or not. Is he at least willing to back you up if you say something to them about it?

Of it's staying as just 2 or 3 times a year them shy bother. You bring her up with your values and as she gets older she will relegate their stupid beliefs to where they belong. Kids are very sensible really. This won't affect her.

If they ask your direct opinion I would give it otherwise let it wash over you.

They are his parents after all so presumably he wants some contact even this limited amount. Don't let it get to you.

Pajamas, if they are saying all of that in front of the op's child though it puts her in the position of having to tell her child that the grandparents are wrong. Children don't just magically learn good values and even if it is just three times a year, if the op and her partner don't pull them up on it in front of the child then she sees them passively condoning that attitude.
I agree though op that your partner is not going to want to do this. I think the best you can hope for is that he will back you while you do it. As it is only a few times a year that you see them it should not be too bad Post confrontation?

It's FOG, of course. DP still wants normal loving parents, not bags of racist pus. His thinking will go "they might change if I don't rock the boat. If I rock the boat I'll have no parents".

Best get it sorted though. Or in 10 years DC will be playing "let's wind the GPs up by pretending to be lesbians".

If your DH thinks they'll 'play nice' if he asks them to, then why can't he just try that? Why do you need him to tell his parents that you think they are bigots? That just sounds like you want to shit stir, nothing to do with wanting to protect your child from hearing these views, because your DH has already said he wants to do that too.

If anything is said in your presence that offends you, then you have as much right and responsibility to challenge that as you DH or anyone else. But you don't need to set your husband up with bullets for him to fire at his own parents when the important thing here can be achieved anyway.

If he thinks they'll play nice if he asks them, why isn't he asking them? He doesn't have to tell them they're bigots, he can simply say that he doesn't want those views expressed around his children. Or, more usefully, every time they express them he could tell them, calmly and politely, why they're wrong.