To write my children a letter

[goingmadinthecountry]

First of all, I love you totally, unequivocally and with all of my heart. I would do anything in the world for you and am crying with love just writing this.

You want so much of me, and I am exhausted just by teaching all day, shopping, planning for work, cleaning, washing and cooking. I get up at 5.50. You complain that all I want to do in the evening is watch TV. I'm just exhausted. Sometimes I wish I could sit in a darkened room by myself for a few hours. Bliss. I really am trying my best, I promise. Could you please tell me what exactly you want of me? You say that I should have hobbies - fine, but we live in the middle of nowhere and only have a limited income. I could be and used to be so much more interesting before I had children. Don't get me started.

Your sister is 11 but you are officially grown ups. One of you works as well as college, one of you is about to graduate and the other one (who moans) lives off us and doesn't have a job. I appreciate that you work really hard at college and I know your dyslexia makes it hard. But that's what other people need to do too. Honestly, it's not all my fault. Sometimes work takes it out of me (I'm very good at my job) and all I want to do is sit in a chair and watch TV, sometimes with a glass of wine. You have come up with no fantastic ideas of things to do together but moan that I haven't got any good suggestions. You're 18, get over it.

PS I love you.

Id say all of this to an adult child. Reality check time.

Sounds like a discussion not a letter. What change do you not to happen?

My older 3 are adults

Oops what do you want to happen? Be specific. Lots of issues here to tackle individually.

It's cathartic just writing it down

Turn it around a bit. You've written a lot about how tired you are. Focus on what they're not doing and what they need to do. How old are they btw? I know you said over 18 but how far?

Basically, ds (18) moans we don't have one of those homes where we all play monopoly every night. I am feeling hugely bad about it, though I feel I'm probably not doing a bad job overall. Just looking for input really. Feeling a bit got at and sad at the moment.

The 2 at home are 18 and 19.

It's not what they don't do, just what more they expect of me. I feel a failure.

Is it the one without a job who's moaning that they're bored, and expecting you to entertain them? Tell'em to grow up.

Or, print some of your school worksheets off for them to fill out. Bonus points if you teach reception

Thanks, Camel. Probably just got on to a bit of a hamster wheel.

Teens and early 20s can be selfish. I have 4 who are all still at home. Why are you doing their washing, cooking and cleaning? They are adults and should be pulling their weight in the house. DH runs our farm, I work and have my own business at home as well. We all pull our weight in this house and if one tries to shirk their responsibilities there's hell to pay! Get tough with them, they're adults afterall.

and I'm sorry they're having a go. If they're all into the idea of families getting together to do stuff in the evenings, how about a get-together in the form of a family meeting to actually discuss some of this face to face. Perhaps getting some help from them to run the house they're all living in. Maybe Mum would have a bit more enthusiasm if she wasn't being taken for granted.

True, Justhavin. I would indeed have more enthusiasm. They are not all bad, I promise. Just need a kick.

Aww, I see your letter as a starting point to having a good discussion. You don't have to include in it all the changes you'd like to see; that comes from getting everyone together and having it out! Vicious circle, you feel shitty for not doing anything, but you're too tired and fed up to make the effort. I feel your pain! I reckon a family film night would be a good bet; you get to put your feet up, have popcorn, take turns to choose a film. That's what I do when I can't be arsed playing with my wee ones! And maybe a games night once a week tops.

and YANBU to want to write it down, but you know that to move things forward you will need to say it to them. Have they lived away from home? As soon as I became responsible for my own washing/cooking/calling landlord to sort leaking boiler/gas bill I was hugely more appreciative of my Mum. If they haven't ever lived away, get them to do a day in your life- up at 5.50, sort out sister/school run, college, shop, tea etc. then you can leave work, meet friend for drink, come home and moan at them ??

I agree the 18 year old needs to grow up - but op, could you be a little depressed? You do sound VERY flat.

Love you sound a fantastic mum but like many of us over parenting here.

You are not responsible for the happiness and well being of Your adult children. You can't be. You may want to be but you can't.

Mine are 25,24,16,15. Oldest moved out.

That said it sounds like they are worried about you working too hard all the time. And they sound right chik.

Don't write letters. Get the wine/beer out with them. And just chat.

Why isn't the 18 year old doing something? Voluntary work better than nowt.

and have a op. Life's hard at times.

Can you muster the energy to have one evening a week that's family time? It doesn't have to be you organising it, a rota can go up on a notice board/fridge. Something like DC1: cooks meal, DC2: organises activity (board game, swimming, walk at local beauty spot, pub quiz night, cinema, volunteering etc.), then swap around so everyone has a turn at organising?

To make it clear, 18yo ds is at college 50 miles away 4 days a week. Course is tree surgery - very physical plus the odd bit of Latin. Great place to do the course. Obviously would speak to them rather than leave a letter. Am just trying to get responses.

Making them take turns at organising is genius. Thanks AndHarry. They'll cook - that's not the problem. It's just the fun together thing that is needing help.

How kind of your eldest children to offer to help you like that! It'll be great for you to have a rota for cooking and to help you with the house. It's also really kind for them to offer to babysit your youngest so that you can have some time to yourself.

I find that it's very easy to be tired and to put things off but spending half an hour/an hour every night with DS really strengthens our bond and helps me to relax and recharge because we're able to be silly and laugh together.

If you find the idea of Monopoly awful (an I agree that it does go on for hours which is something that you don't have), a couple of games of cards or a silly game like Cranium might be a good compromise. I like going to charity shops and finding unusual games such as a Mr Bean board game and 3 way chess.

A jar filled with ideas of how to spend time as a family that you can all put your ideas into and then pull one out once a week/fortnight might also work?