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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not go to the wedding

28 replies

jemstipp · 28/04/2015 21:12

A friend of mine is getting married this summer. I haven't seen her since last year. She never came to my wedding last year, got a text the morning of to tell me her cat had died. It's also at a time when I always go home to my parents, every year. She is marrying an asshole who dumped her last year telling her he could replace her in the morning and asked her to marry him over the phone a couple of months ago but no one can tell her this is a huge mistake. Genuinely though, I do always go home, don't get there often so really nothing to do with her choice of husband to be. Yet I was told how could I miss her special who's this to get my friendday. Also not doing this because she missed mine because of a cat

OP posts:

MsVestibule · 28/04/2015 21:16

Are you really asking if you're BU, or just telling us what you're doing?!

Original poster

jemstipp · 28/04/2015 21:18

Bit of both

OP posts:

CrapBag · 28/04/2015 21:19

Do you actually want to go?

It's an invitation not a summons. You don't sound that bothered so if you really aren't then just decline.

I don't think I'd pull out of a wedding for a dead cat. Seems odd and a bit crap.

OrangeVase · 28/04/2015 21:21

Not very mature behaviour really is it? If you don't want to go to her wedding decline the invitation politely. No need for the whole tit-for-tat games

Original poster

jemstipp · 28/04/2015 21:22

I suppose if I really wanted to I could but it would mean not drinking and then rushing around the next day with two young kids. "The bride" however, doesn't think my annual trip home is as important as her special day. Her words.

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Original poster

jemstipp · 28/04/2015 21:23

I dud decline politely and that's the reply I got.

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MsVestibule · 28/04/2015 21:24

Just RSVP saying unfortunately you won't be around so will be unable to attend, then send her a card just before the wedding.

If you can't go because you'll be visiting your parents, that's fair enough. But regarding her cat dying - some people do get incredibly upset about that sort of thing, and she probably thought you didn't need a sobbing, snotty guest at your wedding. So I think YABU to do the tit for tat thing.

Not really sure your penultimate sentcence makes sense...

MsVestibule · 28/04/2015 21:26

Sentence, not sentcence!

Original poster

jemstipp · 28/04/2015 21:27

I am not tit for tatting. Just filling in the whole story but I guess that's what it looks like.

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Original poster

jemstipp · 28/04/2015 21:27

Oh and the cat died the week before

OP posts:

blushingbooty · 28/04/2015 21:41

Do what you want. Doesn't matter if they don't think you've reason enough, same as it doesn't matter what you think of her reasons for not going to yours.

Original poster

jemstipp · 29/04/2015 09:42

The only reason I am annoyed is her reaction to me not going being her stuff is more important than mine. Not the excuses. Hence the aibu post.

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ImperialBlether · 29/04/2015 09:45

I reckon if you do go and see her in her house, you'll get to see her cat.

goodnessgraciousgouda · 29/04/2015 09:48

Just tell her that you have travel commitments and aren't available.

Is this really someone you want to keep in your life anyway?

MissBattleaxe · 29/04/2015 11:32

You sound like you don't like her and you're annoyed with her, so don't go. I can kind of see her point about visiting your parents- it's kind of a movable feast.

But if you're still bearing a grudge from last year, don't go because you'll just be feeling annoyed and critical of her on her wedding day. You should only go to a wedding if you're sharing their happiness not bearing a grudge and feeling annoyed with the bride.

ApprenticeViper · 29/04/2015 12:02

So she cancelled on the morning of your wedding because her cat had died the week before, you've not seen her since last year, and you think she's making a mistake in her choice of husband?

Even if you weren't planning on visiting your parents I think you ought not go to her wedding. It doesn't sound like you'll have a good time, nor that you will be wishing the bride and groom well.

Hissy · 29/04/2015 12:19

Was she with the prick when her cat died? in which case he probably abused her or made it impossible for her to go. he's probably the one putting pressure on her about you going, by saying that you don't care enough to go, isolating her from you.

if you can't go, don't. Go and see her before the wedding and spend time with her to catch up and talk her out of it

fancyanotherfez · 29/04/2015 12:28

I think if that is her reply to your polite decline, then you can't go. If she is a good friend, sit it out and be there if the whole twat husband thing bites her on the bum. If not, leave it to her close friends and family to sort out and cut her loose. Some people just go nuts about their weddings.

expatinscotland · 29/04/2015 12:30

Just decline politely.

Fairy13 · 29/04/2015 12:56

None of my friends came to my wedding. My best friend refused to be my bridesmaid. That was because my ex was an abusive, violent, horrible man and they knew I was making the biggest mistake of my life.
At the time though, it just felt awful. My parents and family had no idea of how miserable I was that day and I think if my friends had been there I actually wouldn't have gone through with it.

I think if you don't want to go because you are worried about her choice of partner, it would be good for you to arrange to see her before to be honest about that. It is likely to cause ructions but that will happen anyway tbh and it might actually be the push she needs.

I can understand her saying that visiting your parents is not more important than her big day - if you are a close friend is isn't.

Either way, it doesn't sound like you want to go, so just decline and say you are not available.

madreloco · 29/04/2015 12:59

Why call her your friend when you clearly don't like her? Of course you shouldn't go, isn't that obvious?

TedAndLola · 29/04/2015 13:02

madreloco took the words out of my mouth. You don't like her, it doesn't sound like she likes you (using the excuse of her cat dying a week previously not to come to your wedding etc). Don't go, AND stop calling her a friend.

Original poster

jemstipp · 29/04/2015 14:25

It's not that I don't like her. I do. There's no way I'm getting caught up in telling her she's making a mistake.Visiting my parents isnt a moveable feast. They live over 200 miles away so holidays, care of animals etc has to be planned in advance. As I said. It's more her reaction that I was wondering about. A mutual friend says I am dead right and if she wasn't in the wedding party she'd be getting out of it too.

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Yambabe · 29/04/2015 14:30

YANBU to not go to her wedding. Her DHTB is an arse, you already have other plans and she has been snotty about a polite decline.

YABVVU to think that a cat dying isn't a valid reason to pull out of yours at the last minute. My cats are part of my family, if one of them died there is no way I could go out and socialise on someone else's happy day, I would be a crying snotty mess.

madreloco · 29/04/2015 15:35

You haven't seen her in a year, and you hate all her life choices. Some friend

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