Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be jealous of my SIL?

17 replies

wigglybeezer · 27/04/2015 14:53

Actually I know IBU because I have a very nice SIL. I am jealous because my parents like her and because of the attention they pay to my toddler DN. My mum travels to see her every week and talks about her all the time (DN), meanwhile, inside I feel like a stroppy teen. It is spoiling my enjoyment of family get togethers as I end up going over all my negative feelings for hours afterwards.

i can't seem to find a way to discuss it without sounding mean and petty but not discussing it chews me up inside.

My kids are all older and no longer "cute"

OP posts:
YouBetterWerk · 27/04/2015 14:58

Ahh, that must be rough Flowers

Could you maybe 'jokingly' make light of it to start with? As in 'Wow, you'd think you only had one granddaughter' or something?
Might make them think on it without sounding too harsh.

IFinishedTheBiscuits · 27/04/2015 15:02

YAB a bit U. But you can't help how you feel. Could you get a bit more involved with DN too so you don't feel sidelined?

GiddyOnZackHunt · 27/04/2015 15:04

Do you spend much time with your mum or parents by yourself or with your dc?

A long time ago before I had dc my mum would invite DB, SIL and baby DN over every time I visited. Lovely but not every time.
I sat her down and explained that we needed time together too. It worked :)

CrystalCove · 27/04/2015 15:07

I am jealous because my parents like her

Dont they "like" you? I think there must be more to this about your own relationship with your parents.

shewept · 27/04/2015 15:48

Well I am on the opposite side to this. My SIL is jealous because my parents like me. My parents do lots with her and for her, but she still can't stand it if I dare spend time with mum or dad without inviting her. Its a long story, but she has caused lots of problems.

If there isn't more to this, then I think you just need to give yourself a talking to.

shewept · 27/04/2015 15:49

You say your kids are older and not cute. How much older?

IFinishedTheBiscuits · 27/04/2015 16:09

If your parents are treating her differently to you I can understand it. We've had huge arguments because my mum has treated my brother or sister differently to me in the past.
If you're just jealous because it's their turn now it probably is a case of sucking it up.

Scholes34 · 27/04/2015 16:32

I have a SIL my mum adores. She sees her more than she sees me, because I live two hours away. I have a cute DNiece and my mum has lots of cute tales about her. She looks after her every other Saturday because SIL works and DBro goes to football matches with DNephew.

But I'm the cute DNiece's favourite (only) auntie and that's a special thing to be. My DC aren't cute any more, but they're cute DNiece's big cousins that she looks up to.

Take another look at your role within the family!

Original poster
wigglybeezer · 27/04/2015 17:06

Difficult to explain without waffling, part of the problem is that Dn is the only granddaughter and I find it a bit painful seeing the enjoyment my mother takes in having a little girl around when I always hoped to have a girl myself, she has given my DN a family heirloom toy that belonged to her but that I played with and was sentimental about, I was shocked by how upset I was by that. I am also feeling the passing of time acutely as my boys are older.

My parents just do not seem to understand sibling rivalry, they didn't really experience it themselves, one is an only child and the other the doted on baby of a large family, they would think it weird and oversensitive to have negative feelings about family members you like most of the time.

I did try to make a few jokey remarks but my tone of voice slipped and I fear I ended up sounding a bit bitchy.

I do NOT want to end up like one of the bitchy SILs often cited in threads on here so I will just try and be more detached and mature like I know I should be.

OP posts:
BitOfAFixerUpper · 27/04/2015 17:11

Yanbu to feel how you feel, and I can understand why you do. Do you spend any time with your parents/mum without sil?

Drquin · 27/04/2015 17:21

You feel how you feel ...... The only problem is if you think there's something "unfair" rather than just "different" in the treatment.

I know my parents spend a lot more time at my sister's house, looking after the nieces ...... My mother always offers to do my ironing or gardening to "compensate" for the lack of babysitting (due lack of children!!) at my house. But DM and I spent a rare day together today ..... My DS would do that even less frequently, not for bad reasons, just spending days off with her kids. So we spend just "different" time with DM.
I know that if I have kids now my parents will not be willing or able to commit the same "babysitting" time as they've done for DNs ...... But I can't demand anything in return, that's just life.

How much you say depends on how much you think it's just different .....

Original poster
wigglybeezer · 27/04/2015 17:22

Yes I do, I am the most local, my parents are the type of retirees that are very busy though so I don't see them that often.

OP posts:
cococandyfloss · 27/04/2015 17:25

I can sympathise OP-I sometimes struggle with similar myself. My Dsis has recently had a baby -a much longed for baby who we are all so delighted with , however my mum lives 5 mins away from my sister so sees her pretty much daily plus her baby -so they are particularly close. I see my mother aprox once every 2-3 weeks although we speak every 2nd day on the phone so although she has a good relationship with my children I am beginning to get a bit jealous of all the time she spends with my niece and sister.
Also every time myself my husband and my kids go to my mums , my mum thinks it would be lovely for my sister and her baby to be there too to see us all-but I don't -yes some of the time but somedays I just want to see my mum or have my children see their grandparents without others there.
My sister can pop in and have time on her own with my mum whenever she pleases -so I would like them to give me the same opportunities. I have tried to explain this subtly without sounding a total cow but I am struggling to get my point across.
I really don't like that I feel like this -I have a good relationship with both my mum and my sister and adore my new niece and I am a grown adult I am so angry at myself that I have these feelings of jealousy -but I do and I can't help how I feel. :(

Original poster
wigglybeezer · 27/04/2015 17:45

I sympathise coco, it is horrible having negative feelings that bring you down.

My parents are generally very fair and offer to help me out with DIY and housework but I tend to decline because I feel bad using 75 year olds to do boring jobs!

It doesn't help that my mother thinks everything my DN does is amazing and tends to repeat it several times!

Oh well, my MIL thinks my boys are all marvellous and happily ignores any evidence to the contrary!

OP posts:
LowryFan · 27/04/2015 17:49

Your mum probably spends a lot of time telling your SIL how lovely you and your family are.

I see people do this all the time. They tell x how great y is, and then they tell y they saw x and had a lovely time. But don't say directly to either x or y that they are great.

(I know my dad is v proud of me, because my auntie told me so.)

Original poster
wigglybeezer · 27/04/2015 18:18

I am sure my brother had to endure many anecdotes about my crew.

OP posts:
thatsn0tmyname · 27/04/2015 18:24

We've had lots of babysitting support for our young children that the other grandchildren didn't have. It's partly due to geography, partly because my SIL is a SAHM and didn't ask and partly because the grandparents didn't have as much time to offer 10 years ago. If you feel hard done by then you need to ask the grannies for support if that is the issue.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page