To not want to be around competitive sil?

9 replies

Squirrel78 · 27/04/2015 11:22

I have a dd age 3 and dh's sister has a girl the same age. My niece Jessica (not real name) is more outgoing than my dd and as such is the favourite with mil. Mil pays her far more attention and gives her cuddles and pretty much ignores dd. This is hard enough but sil is becoming more and more competitive with the girls and it is becoming tedious and annoying and hard to deal with!

She's constantly testing the girls on their letters to see if dd knows more or less than Jessica. Every activity we start dd on - she copies us and hijacks it. She's now joined Jessica into DD's dance class and Jessica is constantly being told to parade her dancing skills for everyone. It's nauseating and annoying as dd can do all those things too but I don't feel the need to show her off like a performing monkey!! She's constantly bragging about Jessica on Facebook and it is rather cringeworthy!

The family gets together quite regularly and I feel myself dreading it because I know it's going to be the Jessica show! Last time we all had to go swimming and dd was hoping to play with Jessica but Jessica was made to "perform" her skills and jump in, swim with a float, go underwater etc with sil and her boyfriend barking instructions! It was the most bizarre thing but mil watched throughout and thought she was great and I just ended up playing with dd myself in the pool!

I feel like I'm in some kind of competition when I really just want to get on with bringing my daughter up! Does anyone have any (kind) advice as to how to deal with this? I don't want to get suckered in to this rubbish but I'm embarrassed to say it's getting to me and I worry about the effect on dd. Thanks!

OP posts:

motorwaymadness · 27/04/2015 11:29

I would just mentally grit my teeth, and make sure that you big up your daughter when its just the two of you.

DO NOT ENGAGE them, they are experts at this behaviour and you will lose. SO your dd will lose. Have chats with your DD- did you see Jessica doing x, i know you can do it to, you dont have to show anyone if you dont want to.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 27/04/2015 11:34

Poor Jessica. It sounds terribly unhealthy. Thank goodness you and your dd are well out of it op.

BarbarianMum · 27/04/2015 11:34

First, be totally honest with yourself. The "Jessica show" sounds totally annoying but is it a sustained and constant competition, or 5 min every now and then?

If the first, ignore it. Some kids are more outgoing and your MiL is just an adoring grandma watching a grandchild perform. (A little bit of performance -showing a picture they're proud of, singing a song they've learnt etc to grandparents is no bad thing btw. Maybe your dd would enjoy a bit of fuss and praise - preferably without cousin present to steal thunder. Don't avoid anything like this just cause too much is nauseating).

If it's more than that (sounds like it is) then you are totally reasonable not to engage. Either challenge it or do less family stuff. Invite your MiL over to yours so she can focus on your dd a bit more, swerve SiL for a bit - she sounds desperately insecure. If your dd likes her cousin, suggest she comes over to play without her mum sometimes.

CrapBag · 27/04/2015 11:35

I'd stop going on family outings with them. Your DD will come to notice that she is not the favoured one. I can't imagine it will be good for her self esteem.

I feel sorry for the performing monkey Jessica. Can't they just let her play! I knew someone like this. The GPs didn't live nearby so when they went to visit they were treated to constant 'look how clever X is' exhibitions. Including a demo of how X could take a dvd off the shelf and put it into the dvd player and work it at 3 years old. a tad tedious!

Oh and hide them from your news feed. That way you aren't unfriending them but you don't have to see this shit all the time.

Skiptonlass · 27/04/2015 11:36

Bizarre... Detach, detach. Your child is, thankfully, not a performing seal.

Keep reassuring your daughter that you know she's working hard and doing great,mand that the joy of an activity comes from working hard and progressing at her own pace, not being dragged out to perform.

And if you want to be particularly evil, drop casual hints that you're signing her up for shark wrangling/Tibetan throat singing/the weirdest thing you can possibly think of classes.

I feel quite sorry for Jessica. Let mil focus on her, and think of yourself and your daughter as in stealth mode ;)

Wishful80smontage · 27/04/2015 11:38

Could you organise days out with pils that sil is not invited to? So that pil can spend time with your dd on her own?
We are going to organise more things like this for our dd and mil

nickersinaknot · 27/04/2015 11:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RabbitSaysWoof · 27/04/2015 11:55

I have a friend like this, I kept my kid away from her and just met her in grown up situations for a good while until she got over her ds's brilliance a bit. We meet upwith the children a bit more now and shes much more bare able. well mostly anyway, but old habits die hard

purpleapple1234 · 27/04/2015 11:55

Looking for tips on how to manage this too. My sister all but ignores dd while making nonstop fuss about her perfectly ordinary little child. I want the cousins to be friends so just suck it up then bitch about ds to dh for hours after. Maybe as her kid gets older i can babysit as a way of allowing the kids to spend time together without her interfering or making dd feel like second best.

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