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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I was hopeless today?

23 replies

Marmaladedandelions · 26/04/2015 21:08

I probably am being unreasonable but I have a feeling I handled this really badly.

Firstly, I will concede absolutely that DS was in the wrong in the first instance: we walked up a (small!) mountain and got to the top. I had DD strapped to my back and was sorting her when DS threw a rock he had been fidgety and threw it in a sort of idle way without really thinking. I immediately shot him a 'look' and didn't even need to say anything as he said 'sorry, sorry' straightway. Pointed out he could have hurt something or somebody and he said 'I know, I am really sorry.' So it was stupid, but not actually malicious.

A gentleman had been listening and added that 'that was a stupid thing to do, lad!' I sort of said 'hmm, yes, it was, wasn't it DS?' DS apologised again. But then the man just started lecturing him! I could see DS was getting really upset and I was torn as I did want to stick up for him. In the end I said 'look, he absolutely knows it was silly, but he wasn't trying to be cruel or unkind to any living creature' (DS had been all but accused of terrorising local sheep, petrifying wildlife and harming every small child to have passed by the mountain.)

Gentleman harruffed and made it clear I was ridiculous for 'letting him off.'

So was I too soft or too harsh? I feel like I didn't step in early enough for DS but evidently gentleman thought I was too soft!

OP posts:

BabyTuckoo · 26/04/2015 21:14

Did he hit or almost hit the man? Because if it was just an idly-thrown stone by a small boy (how old is DS?) that he was reprimanded by you for, and that wasn't aimed at a person or animal, or actually hit anyone, then you acted appropriately, and the man was over-egging the pudding by nagging on about it. In my experience some older men do this either because they think children today don't get their ears boxed often enough, or because they think they are supporting your parenting by being a scary authority figure backing up your reprimand.

Original poster

Marmaladedandelions · 26/04/2015 21:17

He's 8, sorry.

No, the gentleman was sat in a bench and DS dropped the stone over the side, mainly to see how high up we were I think. I'm 100% positive it wasn't to harm anyone; DS honestly isn't like that, which isn't to say he's a saint but I think it clicked he could have hurt someone almost as soon as he did it hence he started apologising before I opened my mouth!

I think the gentleman did mean well, but it was just too much - poor child was guilt-stricken!

OP posts:

AuntyMag10 · 26/04/2015 21:17

I think you had dealt with it so no need for this man to step in, even if you hadn't dealt with it its none of his business. Did the rock almost hit the man though?

Charis1 · 26/04/2015 21:27

How big was the rock? How close did it come to hitting anyone? Are you sure it didn't?

I don't think it will have done your DS any harm to have been scolded by the old man. If anything, the old man was supporting you.

Original poster

Marmaladedandelions · 26/04/2015 21:29

It was a big stone. It didn't hit anyone to my knowledge but the point was DS couldn't see if anyone was walking beneath when he dropped it. It was an idiotic thing to do - I concede that and I'm sure DS would, if he was awake - but it wasn't 'nasty' and it HAD been dealt with!

OP posts:

Annunziata · 26/04/2015 21:29

He's 8! I thought he was 2!

I don't think your DS will have done any harm. Reading the 'sorry sorry' just sounds like a parrot, not a child who knows what they have done wrong and is actually sorry.

Charlotte3333 · 26/04/2015 21:30

I don't think you handled it badly; your DS had already apologised and understood what he'd done was wrong. Another adult stepping in didn't really serve much purpose.

Original poster

Marmaladedandelions · 26/04/2015 21:30

He was sorry - him saying 'sorry' was in the sort of 'God how stupid was that!' tone, not 'yeah, yeah!'

It was really stupid, but he is very kind and caring towards animals and smaller/younger children and he was very upset to think he'd hurt anything or anyone.

OP posts:

Charis1 · 26/04/2015 21:30

The old man was backing you up. His contribution was probably helpful in getting the message across to DS. The incident is done and dusted now, so forget it.

Silvercatowner · 26/04/2015 21:33

Honestly, he isn't going to be scarred for life.

Original poster

Marmaladedandelions · 26/04/2015 21:33

He wasn't old, by the way

Yes, he was trying to back me up, but unfortunately just really upset my child which meant I ended up comforting a distraught DS down the mountain which was counter productive really!

OP posts:

JeanneDeMontbaston · 26/04/2015 21:36

I think you did the right thing.

It's surely really rude to lecture someone else's child - especially at length. Who does that?!

wanttosqueezeyou · 26/04/2015 21:37

I think you were right to reprimand ds and right to stick up for him too. Sometimes 8 year olds are naughty... you called him on it. He didn't need a verbal beating. If it had been part of a pattern of naughtiness/ cruelty it may have been different.

Galrick · 26/04/2015 21:41

Some pompous twit. Don't teach DS this phrase

MammaTJ · 26/04/2015 21:42

I would have actually cut him dead and said 'It is dealt with, please do not try to parent MY child' and have done before now.

I know people are trying to help but it is not helpful in any way.

griselda101 · 26/04/2015 21:45

sounds like you were perfectly reasonable!

time sometimes stands still at times like this and you were probably getting your head around this guy's self appointed right to preach to your child, which was way out of order. I think it would take most people a few minutes to realise / react appropriately.

It's hard being prepared in times like that; it's rare that people know the right thing to say on the spot or say at the right time (without coming across as too aggressive) so I think you behaved as any sensible parent would have.

Original poster

Marmaladedandelions · 26/04/2015 21:46

He may have already heard that particular phrase about his dad Galrick

OP posts:

Original poster

Marmaladedandelions · 26/04/2015 21:47

Relief to know I wasn't useless.

I came away thinking I'd been too soft and too harsh, not stuck up for my child/let my child get away with murder!

OP posts:

RedButtonhole · 26/04/2015 21:47

I cannot stand when people do this, I usually reply with "Yes, I think he gets the picture".

ScrumpyBetty · 26/04/2015 21:48

Yeah, no matter what anyone else thinks it is not their job to parent your child or lecture them. It sounds like your DS really wasn't being intentionally malicious, and that he realised what he'd done was wrong. I would have been annoyed too by a stranger leaping in to lecture and probably would have snapped at him too. (The stranger that is, not DS)

CaspianSea · 26/04/2015 21:59

I think your DS needed that telling-off. At 8 he should know better than to throw stones where there are people around. He may have done it without thinking or out of boredom, but if a large stone hits someone it can do a lot of damage or even kill someone. Presumably there was no-one on path below, but imagine how you'd feel if a child carelessly threw a rock from above and it injured your DD or DS. He may have been upset by the telling-off, but it was justified as what he did was potentially dangerous to other people. I bet he'll be more careful in future.

Charis1 · 26/04/2015 22:13

I agree with CaspianSea, it sounds like that telling off from a stranger really went home, and I'm sure it was beneficial.

It takes a village......

Charis1 · 26/04/2015 22:15

also, that man could easily have had friends or relatives below you where DS threw the rock, making it very much his business, whether he did have , or didn't, he MIGHT have done.

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