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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be emotionally numb

22 replies

Laurenandthebump4 · 25/04/2015 21:04

I am devastated, I feel betrayed and hurt and I have barely been able to eat this week and spent my evenings in a depressed state - my husband is just angry with the situation.

My dad recently lost his job yet again, he reminds us of Alfie Moon for the way he is. He's always trying to find a fast track to the millions (which after 21 years I wish he'd realise will never ever happen)
When I was a small baby, a family friend gave them a house, specifically for me when I turned 18 - as I was just a baby the house went in my parents names and it was just a verbal agreement that the house would be for me when I was old enough. However, when the family friend died a year after giving them the house - my dad tempted my mum to sell it, my Nan and Grandpa where worried but they insisted they where putting it towards something bigger. But unfortunately they blew the lot on cars, jet skis, Tenerife and sadly got conned out of quite a bit when my dad tried to do an investment.

Although it's a shitty thing for them to have done, I've tried not to let it come between us. When I was 16 and they threw me out I was somewhat resentful as to how they could do that... But hey life goes on, all I've ever wanted is a family around me.

I met my husband and we had children, I'm currently 33weeks pregnant with our last child - my Dad knows we have been saving hard to make sure we have a nice financial buffer for when the baby is here as with 3 small DC I don't need the stress of money, unexpected bills etc - anyway with my Dad loosing his job I did feel guilty having money and not helping out but my mum does have a full time job, she had a trip to London on the 14th April to visit our Nan but when she was due to come back I got a phone call from my Dad saying my Mum had been mugged and they had stolen her bag and she had now missed her flights back to Guernsey.

I tried to call mum but she didn't answer, eventually Dad said Mum was now back on island and had used a friends credit card to pay £400 for last minute flights and that she had to pay her back and they would no longer be able to afford rent/food/bills.

He asked if I could borrow them the 400, so yes I said I would give it to him the next day. But that night it transpired that Mum had dropped her purse only (no mugging,no missed flights) and my dad had expanded the story to try and scam me.

I text him confronting him when I found out, he read it and didn't reply. I'm so cut up, I feel like I need to cut them out of my life but why does it hurt so bad or am I just over reacting ;-/

OP posts:

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 25/04/2015 21:08

I would go NC.

How could any loving parents con their child out of thousands of pounds.

daffsandtulips · 25/04/2015 21:10

He's been like this all your life though OP hasn't he so I don't understand why you wouldn't be able to eat or sleep over this? Just tell him you don't have the money. It's your mothers choice to be with him.

JumpRope · 25/04/2015 21:12

I can understand how it hurts. Did you post about this before? I remember a similar story with the house situation.....

Original poster

Laurenandthebump4 · 25/04/2015 21:12

It's easier to cope with something that happened before you where old enough to notice, then to have it done directly to you.

OP posts:

CalleighDoodle · 25/04/2015 21:14

Nc and counselling to help you. maybe move this to relationships. Hugsx

daffsandtulips · 25/04/2015 21:14

Remove yourself from the situation OP. You have a lovely family of your own. You can't change what others are like, even your parents.

PHANTOMnamechanger · 25/04/2015 21:15

bail them out now and they will expect it again and again. People who are irresponsible/reckless like this with money need to learn others are not going to pick up after them all the time and make it all OK. The lying is just plain awful.

Better off without them IMO.

queenofthepirates · 25/04/2015 21:16

Chronic financial irresponsibility doesn't mean they are a bad parent and don't love you, it's a sad lesson to realise your parents can be crap but unless you feel very strongly about it, I wouldn't go NC over money. Be angry though, very cross and let him know how cross you are. I would be roaring. And no more loans to him, he has proved he will hurt you but doesn't mean you can't still love him if you want to that is.

Original poster

Laurenandthebump4 · 25/04/2015 21:17

He has made no effort to even try and explain himself since I text him confronting him - last Saturday! I'm just so angry

OP posts:

PeachyPants · 25/04/2015 21:22

I think it's not so much financial irresponsibility as trying to defraud your own pregnant daughter and the fact that they threw you out aged 16 which are shocking. I can see why you are so hurt, I don't think you should lend them the money, concentrate your emotional energy on people who treat you better.

lbnblbnb · 25/04/2015 21:25

It is more than chronic financial irresponsibility though, isn't it? They have conned and swindled you. They have no boundaries (and no morals). You need to put up boundaries to protect yourself. So sorry.

Donatello68 · 25/04/2015 22:02

Your dad's behaviour is appalling. If you bail him out, he will keep coming back for more.

You have your own family to look after. Walk away IMO

TakeYourFinalPosition · 25/04/2015 22:13

My foster mum was like this. I think she honestly just thought about how she'd get more money. The people she hurt, how they'd suffer, whether they needed the money - that didn't occur to her. Just the money. She couldn't understand emotional responses either, she'd just go silent. As far as she was concerned, it was worth a try.

I went NC 8 years ago. It was for the best and I don't regret it at all.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 25/04/2015 22:17

OP, I also recall a very similar post about the house, I assume from you? Not that it matters…concentrate on your own lovely family, you have what you wanted. Focus on the love and security between you, and try to move on from this. Some people do not deserve your love.

Mamiof3 · 25/04/2015 22:24

Omg

I'm really angry on your behalf

The selling of the house is awful
This is literally conning you, and they threw you out at 16? If you don't mind, what's the story there?

littlefrenchonion · 26/04/2015 00:10

Your post really speaks to me. My own father, in his quest to make his millions through a string of his own 'companies' which always failed, became obsessive and blew mine and my brother's childhood savings that they had set up when we were young, as well as the majority of my parent's pension savings.

Throughout university, which I funded myself by working for a year first and then earning my own money once there, with no help from my parents, he constantly gave me sob stories that he couldn't afford to feed himself because my mum had left him, so I'd lend give him £50 - only to see on FB that he'd taken his most recent girlfriend out to a fancy restaurant.

8 years on and he seems to be over his issues now thankfully but our relationship has suffered a huge blow. Unfortunately he still has no idea of the damage he caused to me in those years. If I raise the issue I get an apology long the lines of 'er, yeah, sorry about that....' I won't ever forgive him.

I don't have any suggestions, but you aren't alone. Time is a healer to a certain extent, and I suppose my silver lining is that I've learnt not to be such a pushover with money.

Happy36 · 26/04/2015 01:19

Please don't give them anymore money. They really will only waste it. Take care.

p.s. If someone misses a flight home to Guern due to being the genuine victim of a crime call Aurigny and explain and if you're not in a rush they'll put you on standby for the next flight with a spare seat or no show for just the price of the taxes. (But no guarantee how long you'll gave to wait for the flight...)

Chiggers · 26/04/2015 07:11

It hurts because you realise you were taken for a mug and gave him the money. Not only that, but it also hurts to be lied to. You can use that to your advantage though and text them to say that because of the lying, you can't trust what they are saying is true and so you've decided not to lend them any more money again. Also that they'll have to sort out their own financial mess from now on (they're adult enough to understand the consequences of what they've done).

You have your own family now and when you have your own DC, IMHO, parents and siblings become extended family.

Anyway, concentrate on your own wee family and good luck with the impending birth

Saymwa · 26/04/2015 07:43

I want to echo what everyone else says about your dad.

I would also suggest councelling to help you to set boundaries with your parents.

Another thing that I picked up on - if money is so tight for your parents then how come your mum has been on holiday, spending money on a flight and more . She's married to your dad , not you. It's up to them both to sort it out - without you, their daughter , who's having their grandchild !

They should be helping you because they are your parents - not the other way round. So, as to your dad lying to swindle you, I feel really angry for you !

I suggest you write a letter to him / them. That way you're not storing up
these powerful feelings and risking hurting yourself or your baby. Also, you can save it or send it , now or later. If you decide to keep it till later it will still contain all the force you feel right now .

Because your father sounds to have put up a barrier right now then you can use your letter to remjnd you of what you need to say at a future time. This future time wil be when it will take less energy for you to speak to him because his barrier will be down.

Once you've written your letter,I encourage you to continue to take good care of yourself and your own little family ( baby and hubby) and let your parents deal with their own issues.

Also, very well done for saving for when your baby comes. You're already a brilliant mum !! Kisses and hugs from me.
XXXX

VelvetRose · 26/04/2015 07:52

How awful! I agree with others that I would go nc with anyone that treated me like that. It's the lying that's the clincher. How can you possibly have a relationship with someone who is prepared to do that to you? What a disgraceful way to behave.

VelvetRose · 26/04/2015 07:53

The letter is a very good idea.

Original poster

Laurenandthebump4 · 26/04/2015 17:25

Thanks for all your responses - I think I will write a letter to the both of them...

It's our DS2nd birthday, we had told them they where welcome to come and see him as we didn't want this taken out on the DCs; they've just text saying sorry we have been resting today we will see him tomorrow.

Unfortunately we are out for a meal tomorrow when DH finishes work so unable to do so, just another let down.

OP posts:

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