To not want someone poking around the house when I'm not in

[confuseddazed]

Work yesterday afternoon. Mum & dad were here looking after DC.

When we got home DH noticed Dsis's car. I really thought it couldn't be her, as she hates our neighbourhood (is really snobby, and imagines her car will be nicked, doesn't want to be seen here, etc).

As we reached the front door she was leaving (so didn't want to see us!).

Mum said she'd helped herself to coffee whilst here, and also kept coming in with handfuls of chocolate.

Went into the kitchen to realise she'd eaten an entire (large) bag of magic stars, and a chocolate bar. Since she was here last we've moved the sweet cupboard, so she'd have to root around to find them. Also I was proud of DC saving them, and she came and ate them all!!!

Mum also mentioned that she told her that she 'thinks' I have some of her clothes (I don't), but I'm pretty pissed off that she even went in the bedroom to look!!!

For context; years ago (mid 90s) she gave me some clothes that she no longer wanted. One item I took to my parents in 2005, as I was going to wear it to the court case of the man who tried to kill my son & I (was a single parent then). Dsis saw it there, took it back, and asked for everything else back (mum & dad both remembered she gave them to me). Ever since I have refused to accept anything from her.

So I'm pretty annoyed about yesterday - mum was outside supervising DC, whilst she looked around the house. Mum is blase about it, saying she does it there, but I would NEVER dream of going to her house, whilst she was out, helping myself to her DC's treats, and looking around her bedroom.

Goodness, YANBU,.
She sounds awful.

hmm, I think you need to think about your childcare arrangments, free childcare from grandparents often leads to problems, and you aren't the first i'e heard of who's had problems from grandparents doing childcare in their adult DCs home allowing that home to be treated in a way the adult DCs would not like.

Either your mum babysits at her own home, or you use someone else. You can't trust your mum to maintain boundaries, she obviously thought it was ok for your sister to come round without asking you first, she obviously thought it was fine for your sister to go through your stuff and take what she wanted from your kitchen. It might be ok for your sister to act like this in your mum's house, but your mum didn't think this is not ok in your house.

Your mum doesn't do childcare in your home - your sister should have realised this wasn't on, but she wasn't the one who was left incharge of your home.

I would confront her and tell her to stop being so nosey. Oh, and ask her to replace your kids chocolate.

oh and tell your sister that you thought her behaviour was unacceptable and she isn't welcome in your home until she apologises to you and replaces the DCs treats she "stole".

This is your mothers fault here, she was in charge and failed to supervise the situation.

The helping herself comments and armfuls of chocolate resulting in your dc having their sweets taken is absolutely un-bloody-acceptable!

Yes you should call your sister up and tell her to replace the sweets she has stolen from your children and make it clear that you felt she has violated your privacy and that she ISNT welcome in your home again until she makes up for it; replacing the sweets AND an apology to you both.

Then I would tell your mother that she won't be trusted in your home unsupervised because of what she allowed to happen.

Blow this stuff sky high! They are treating you like a mug!

If op mother thought sister's behaviour was acceptable, she would not have told tales/mentioned it.

She gets off on dividing and conquering clearly. How did sister even know dm was there?

Have you always been second fiddle to your golden child sister?

Oh WHEN you blow your top at them all, expect the comments about how ungrateful you are... Tell them that you'd be more grateful if your home hadn't been practically ransacked and that you didn't have to explain to your dc that ALL the sweets had gone.

No more love, go nuclear, they have really overstepped the boundary

if you struggle with this, let your dh have it out with them. They won't bully him.

Yanbu!
Ick, I'd be unhappy if my sister did that and we get on relatively well!
I think you need to make it quite clear to your mum just how upset this has made you feel. She stole food and violated your privacy!
Make it clear and in no uncertain terms that your sister is not allowed in your house.
Be aware - if your sister is the kind of person to disrespect you so badly she will probably take massive offense and try and force your mum to 'pick a side'. You may need some back up childcare plans.

Thank you, I'm so immersed in it, that it's hard to see it objectively, and realise that I'm not being unreasonable.

Dsis has form for it. When I was in labour having my youngest DD (a few years ago), mum had DD1 who was 16 months old.

I was giving birth to a dead baby, she was full-term, but died shortly before. I was in a terrible state, both emotionally and physically. I was in labour for 35 hours, before I had an EMCS.

My mum phoned a few times, asking how long it would be before we'd be home, as Dsis wanted something (either walking dogs for her clients, or looking after her DS whilst she walked dogs - can't remember now). The midwifes went nuclear on my mum, saying that even afterwards (if had been a straightforward labour) we'd want to spend time with DD2.

At the funeral she held court about how awful her labour with her DS had been.

I'm aware that I need to rethink childcare, mum & dad are both in their 70s.

She sounds fucking awful OP. So sprry to hear about such a tough time that you've been through, particularly your stillborn child, my condolences

I don't say it often but I'd have a really deep think about whether a relationship with someone like this is what you want and need in your life. Your family should be there to support you at your most vulnerable times.

I think you need to talk to your mum and set very clear boundaries with them both. And withdraw your relationship with your sister somewhat.

sounds like my older sister who likes to walk all over people and take the piss any time it suits her - all because she cannot stand not being the centre of attention.

Both your parents and your sister were in the wrong - your sister for doing it knowing it was unacceptable and your parents for not saying or doing anything about it when it happened.

are you going to speak to your sister about it? No doubt she will downplay it all, i'd tell her she is not allowed to visit your home unless either you or your dh are there. then tell your parents the same - if they have a problem with respecting your boundaries then perhaps it may be better for them to babysit at their own house until you can arrange alternative childcare.