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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect DH to help with his daughter?

22 replies

rascaltashly · 24/04/2015 17:27

(Name changed for this thread) DH has wanted kids for years, long before I did and was overjoyed when I fell pregnant. When DD was born he was good with her (although often telling me I'm doing things wrong) but after the first few weeks... He just gave up. She's 6 months now and he will talk to her, occasionally pick her up for cuddles and make her bottle when I ask him to, but that's about it. He's more like an uncle or family friend than her father and I find myself asking him to "watch her for me" while I go to the look, have a shower etc when he shouldn't be watching her for me, he should be watching her because he's her dad. As soon as she starts fussing it's "back to mummy". He's never put her to bed or got up with her, he'll feed her when he has to but has only done it maybe 10 times and has looked after her on his own once for 3 hours, and was in a foul mood when I got home. He can't cope with poo nappies but doesn't bother with wee ones either.

He says its lack of confidence which is fair enough as I lacked confidence at first, but I think its also an excuse not to bother because he doesn't make any effort to improve his confidence.

I'm currently pregnant again (again, he wanted another as much as I do) and its starting to hit home how little he does and how difficult it will be doing 100% for two babies. I know he works full time and supports us financially and does some housework, but I feel a bit scared that my next "day off" is going to be when my unborn baby starts nursery in 2 years time. How can I encourage him to build his confidence/tell him to grow up and help?

OP posts:

monkeysox · 24/04/2015 17:30

Tell him he needs to be a parent. Cock

AnyFucker · 24/04/2015 17:32

Stop enabling him would be a good start

And I reckon you should start right now as you mean to go on, because you will be too exhausted looking after a new baby, a toddler and a detached manboy parent to sort it when the new arrival is here

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/04/2015 17:33

So you have spoken to him about this. How does he feel about it? Happy, sad, miserable, depressed? If he's perfectly happy to do nothing, you really need to consider the relationship. If he sad and wants things to change then you need to formulate a plan to get it sorted. This may involve you leaving the house for longer and longer periods.

Some people get better when kids get older but all parents should have basic skills. Not being able to change a nappy is pathetic. Sorry, it is. What would happen if you got sick? Or have a c section and have to stay in with the new baby?

Alanna1 · 24/04/2015 17:33

Gosh, you have this and you are pregnant again? I think you should try going away for a few hours at a time and leaving him in charge. He may also find it easier once you have weaned. Good luck.

Ratfinkandbobo · 24/04/2015 17:36

What AF posted.
He sounds bloody lazy to me.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 24/04/2015 17:36

I would leave him in charge more often so it becomes more routine for him.

pluCaChange · 24/04/2015 17:42

My BIL and SIL came round recently with their baby, and BIL went along to every nappy change (and maybe performed them, I don't know), and held her (the baby, not SIL! ) 50% of the time. 'Twas lovely to see.

FenellaFellorick · 24/04/2015 17:45

Tell him that the only way to build his confidence is to do it! Remind him he is equally responsible for his children and leave him to it as often as you can.

Goldmandra · 24/04/2015 17:54

Go out and leave him to it on a regular basis. Tell anyone he might try and palm her off on not to play ball and let him get on with it.

Also start just expecting him to change nappies. He can cope with them; he just doesn't want to.

He won't feel confident until he just gets stuck in and gets on with it. Then he will realise that it's not as hard as he thought. It is hard work but it's not rocket science.

You really don't want to leave this and have to tackle it when the baby is born, you're hormonal, you're both sleep deprived and your DD has her nose out of joint.

Do you have a mate you could meet in the pub once a week?

kimistayingalive · 24/04/2015 17:59

Does he realise that he's doing this and the affect its having on you.
How about creating a rota to try so you can have a lie in while he feeds bubba and settles her back down one early morning and then you get up all together for breakfast. Then decide who's changing which nappy and which feeding each will do, who will occupy\play with bubba at times through the day and up to who's putting her to bed.
At a later date as long as he hasn't freaked out with the increased "duties" go out and visit friend or family leaving him with your lovely DD one evening and one afternoon so he learns how to cope and hopefully enjoys looking after her by himself while you get some r&r.

petalsandstars · 24/04/2015 18:08

DH got a bit like this after I was pregnant with DC2. He wasn't picking up the slack with DC1 (morning sickness meant that bending/lifting made me feel worse) and it got to the point of me telling him I'd be better off as a single parent and I had very little respect for him anymore. After that he realised I was seriously considering leaving and he stepped up again.

Tell him he is being crap and there's not a manual that he can follow - he just has to do it!

TheUnwillingNarcheska · 24/04/2015 18:12

Can't cope with poo nappies? more like he knows you will do it.

My Mum's friend had major issues with poo nappies once her baby started weaning. She would literally have a bucket next to her and throw up whilst nappy changing. It was the weirdest thing I had seen in my life, I was about 12. But she did it.

Your Dh needs to step up, stop taking your daughter from him when he offers her back because she is upset.

Imagine how awful it would be if you were hospitalised for a few days unexpectedly. He would have to cope. Get him to start now

And the whole he works full time bit? I am sure there are full time working Mothers on here who have to look after a baby and do housework too.

I am a SAHM and Dh was fully hands on. Came home, rolled up his sleeves, made me a cup of tea and played with his sons.

AnneElliott · 24/04/2015 18:14

This is why I only had 1 DC! You need to tell him and also regularly leave him to it.

GraysAnalogy · 24/04/2015 18:17

I've always wondered if men can have a sort of PND.

griselda101 · 24/04/2015 18:19

I'm not excusing his behaviour but my ex was like this. DS is now 2.5 and ex is stepping up to the challenge a lot more and much more into him - they play together all the time and have fun and he's more like a dad. Still rubbish at the practical side (doesn't help with much cleaning etc) but as a dad much better.

I think some men are genuinely freaked out by babies but as they grow into their personalities he'll probably change and be more hands on.

That said you should find every way you can of getting him to pitch in as much as possible with the baby care. Also get him to go to some dad's playgroups. He sounds like a lazy sod. (I speak from experience here with my ex who also refused to do nappies blaming it on his germs OCD!!).

Start with short sessions of leaving them together for an hour at a time a few times a week and work up to more. Also as DD gets more contact with him one-on-one she will be more used to it and cry less when you're not around thus it will be easier for him.

Original poster

rascaltashly · 24/04/2015 18:20

Thanks everyone,

He does always say that he'll be better when she's older, I'm just curious as to how old she has to be before that happens. We've argued about this in the past and he's said that he feels like he doesn't know where to start because I've got my schedule (we don't have a schedule, I think he meant he doesn't know when she's due a feed/meds/naps etc) but then when he's home I make a big running commentary of my day so he could just take over. We haven't spoken about it in a while as I've been coping fine on my own with her, but its this pregnancy that's got me thinking as I've been really really tired and housework etc has fallen by the wayside as dd takes all my energy. I am worried about how I'll cope with a newborn too, especially if I have a c section so we do need to change things now.

He does love her to bits and lights up when he makes her giggle etc, but it seems that he's only interested in the fun bits.

OP posts:

43percentburnt · 24/04/2015 18:22

I work full time, out of the house over 55 hours a week including commute, dh is a sahd. I still manage poo nappies, bath times, waking in the night to breastfeed, oh and I expressed several times a day at work for 8 months to ensure baby received breast milk for a year. I take baby to the park, farm visits, swimming, walks several times a week ( in the evening).

He's not doing it cos he can't be arsed. Being at home is far harder than working regardless of what he tells you!

43percentburnt · 24/04/2015 18:22

When she's 25 and has moved out!

FenellaFellorick · 24/04/2015 18:25

well, if only you had the choice to be better when she's older, eh?

But both of you can't choose to be useless.

I wonder what he would have done if you'd declared yourself lacking in confidence and therefore unable to lift a finger.

pfft. What is it with these men and their belief that our magical lady parts mean we instantly acquire childraising skills at the moment of birth.

He doesn't know. Ha. Well. I wonder what someone could do if they didn't know something. hmm. it's a mystery all right. Whatever can be done if there is a gap in someone's knowledge. If only there was a solution. oh well. Never mind.

I want to come round to your house and shake him till his teeth rattle.

BathtimeFunkster · 24/04/2015 18:26

No, they can't.

But they can cause it by being lazy, useless shites like Exhibit A here.

You really need to read this prick the riot act.

Why on earth did you get pregnant again when your existing baby has only got one functioning parent?

griselda101 · 24/04/2015 18:26

god i know what that's like!! my ex is also only interested in the "fun" bits leaving all the rubbish / hard / dirty stuff to an exhausted me!! (I also have little time to play with DS as a result so it's not fair on many levels).

I think you will have to grit your teeth and be stronger about leaving them together alone for significant periods of time and getting him to pitch in. I can't imagine what a newborn would be like ontop of a toddler with an ex who doesn't help (it is hard enough with the one child and zero help).

I got serious PND because of the way my ex treated me giving me zero support (we split up when DS was 5 months old) so be very wary of that as you will feel very emotional and overtired when the newborn arrives which will exacerbate the situation. So he needs to man up now!!

It might sound OTT but some relationship counselling might help - sooner rather than later - so you can help him understand the effect of his behaviour and that he needs to man up a bit more.

ApocalypseThen · 24/04/2015 18:37

Have you asked him what he supposes would happen if you decided that because you're not a fan of nappy changes you've decided not to bother any more? People do nappy changes out of love - but not love of poo. Usually.

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