To be fed up of DS' Dad

[Ohbollocksandballs]

To cut a long story short, exp has DS (who's 1) overnight once a week, either a Friday or Saturday. He's constantly faffing around changing days, asking for him to be picked up early (I drop DS off and pick him up, and send him with everything he will need, nappies, clothes, wipes etc).

He will never make contact during the rest of the week to see how DS is, and if I text telling him he has done/learned something he never replies.

When I collected DS last weekend I asked when he would be having him this weekend, which he said we will sort later in the week. I have called/text numerous times and not heard anything back.

Aibu just not to bother with him, and if he wants to see him let him get in touch with me?

I don't know if he will get in contact if left to his own devices. I could be wrong but in my honest opinion he does sound a bit shit but I think he just mostly doesn't want the contact with you. Was the relationship break down bad?

I would send an email, explaining your concerns and the need for consistency for your son. Keep it matter of fact and not anything that might aggravate the situation. Make it clear that plans need to be made in advance, I would also ask if he wants contact during his time away from son, it actually doesn't matter if he does not reply to this contact. Once email/text is sent just get on with your life, he will be involved if and when he wants to.

Step back from organising your ex partner's contact. Its not your job. I know you mean well but it is up to him to sort himself out.

Send him an email stating that it's important for your dc that he has routine. State that therefore contact will need to be agreed in advance. Request that he makes a choice between the 2 days in question and agreed times. State that if this is not done, you can not guarantee contact. Leave the ball in his court.

I wouldn't even go that far.

I would just stop contacting him to organise it, plan my own life and when he does get in touch, only enable the contact if it doesn't interfere with my plans.

Once he realises you aren't going to run around after him any more, he will either stop bothering with contact which, given his behaviour, may not be a negative for your DS or step up and start making proper arrangements.

Ah, my ex did this.

It's a control thing. "I'm dropping him off early." "I have stuff to get on with."

I stopped bothering to contact him. So far we've had just over ten year's silence, one PM on facebook in September and silence for another eight months.

The relationship breakdown was bad, he was emotionally and on occasion physically abusive, which has been reported to the police. He has also made threats since we split up.

It has always been me that has arrange contact, he has let DS down numerous times because he has been too hungover/wanted to go to the pub etc. He has also never collected DS himself, I have always dropped him off and picked him up, which is a 50 mile round trip. He does not pay any extra money towards this; and only pays what the csa have calculated (when he was on a much lower income).

Stop Organising his contact and stop doing all the driving. And stop texting him with ds news. He is either going to be a good dad who wants to see his son or he is not. If he wants to know how ds is doing he will text.

I should withdraw contact unless he splits pickup, keeps basic supplies and sticks to agreed times and dates. If he turns up late, treat it as a fail. If he wants you to collect him early, tell him no unless he brings him.

I'd cut your losses, frankly.

I would contact him and say that he needs to pick a day and times. i.e. I will have him Friday 5pm until Saturday 3pm every week. You drop off and pick up at those times. You can be flexible and open to change on occasion for special reasons, but your son needs to have consistency.
Don't send your son with more than the minimum for what he needs for the travelling - your ex should be catering for his needs when he has him.
And contact the CMS to review the calculation of child support if you think he is earning more now.

Thankyou all, sorry for the delayed reply been at the doctors with A very miserable DS, looking like he's got chicken pox!

I think I'm going to leave it to him and get in touch, and then if/when he does say that something needs to be set in stone and that I'm not doing all the legwork.

What a fucking wanker! I am all for facilitating contact between the child and NRP but you are doing waaaaaay too much. I'd send a factual email: DS needs consistency so contact needs to be a regular night each week/fortnight or whatever. It's not fair for one parent to do all the travelling so from now on he needs to pick up or drop off each time. If he's unwilling to make even such basic concessions to his son's wellbeing then he's a dead loss, frankly.

'Parents' like this make me !

I think I'm going to leave it to him and get in touch, and then if/when he does say that something needs to be set in stone and that I'm not doing all the legwork.

I think that's just right.

I think now is the time to give him the chance to step up - your son is young enough not to have too much emotional fallout of a sudden lack of contact with his dad which he will be when he is older. You cannot keep doing all the running forever, so you might as well let him show his colours now while there is less to lose in terms of your son's happiness.