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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or PFB?

44 replies

Cassie258 · 24/04/2015 06:19

DMIL wants to take DD (currently 3 but I expect about 4 by the time they go) to Disneyland Paris. During all discussions, it sounded like all of us going (mil, DP, DD and I) and DMIL would pay for DD.

Recently, dbil stayed with us. He said DD would be going with DMIL only and it would be a nice weekend break for us. I said I wasn't comfortable being so far away from her, if anything were to happen we wouldn't be able to do anything. He got offended and said DMIL would not let anything happen to her. This is obviously true and I trust DMIL with DD complicitely. DD has stayed their several times. However, things happen that are beyond our control no matter what we do to prevent them.

DMIL has a history of strokes. She's had two but none for maybe two years now.

Dbil did not understand why I would be worried at all. He does not have kids.

I am an anxious person.

So am I being unreasonable or am I being PFB?

OP posts:

Wavyblackhair · 24/04/2015 07:17

Also it's none of bil's business why is he so invested I. Your dd traveling alone with mil? Weird.

Wavyblackhair · 24/04/2015 07:20

In answer to your question this is not pfb and yanbu.

AliceLidl · 24/04/2015 07:23

If MIL has implied a family holiday, it's not up to BIL to say differently.

Just say to MIL "BIL seems to have got the wrong end of the stick about our trip to Disneyland Paris. He was trying to convince us to stay home for a child free weekend but we're really looking forward to a nice family trip, and we've been planning it for so long now."

bumbleymummy · 24/04/2015 07:25

Yanbu

OTheHugeManatee · 24/04/2015 07:28

'Need to travel' Because a visit to Disneyland Paris aged three is so clearly up there with experiencing Mumbai street culture or doing the Santiago pilgrim trail.

OP, you must let your DD go or she will grow up stunted and insular and probably end up voting UKIP.

BlinkAndMiss · 24/04/2015 07:31

Not PFB at all, she's very little to be leaving the country without you. I don't understand why she needs to have that experience without you, it would be something I'd like to see with my child.

I'm not sure how your reservations about this were translated into your anxiety limiting your DD's life experiences up thread, how ridiculous! It's completely normal to not want your DD to leave the country without you!

I'd speak to MIL and find out for sure, make sure she knows it's not about trust or anxiety - it's not - it's completely about what you feel comfortable with, don't apologise for feeling that way and don't let it become something you're doing wrong. If the idea is to give you a 'break' then she could spend a weekend at MIL's house, holidays are family time and I wouldn't compromise on that.

DisappointedOne · 24/04/2015 07:32

We've taken DD to disneyland paris aged 3.5 and 4.5. I'd say 4.5 was better to be honest. It's exhausting going for a week and not being in a rush to do anything. (The average visitor walks 12-14 miles per day). You're looking at a long wait to meet princesses (couple of hours, or a very expensive meal) and very long days, especially in the summer. We travel during the low season and it's busy enough. Weekends are mental. Summer weekends even more so.

As much as I trust my parents to look after DD, I'd have concerns about them taking her to DLP in full health, never mind in the circs you describe.

Original poster

Cassie258 · 25/04/2015 17:25

The mild saga continues.

DD is currently with MIL for an hour or so. Whilst speaking to her I discussed a colleague who is taking her granddaughter to Tunisia for a week and a day after they return the child is going away with the other grandparent. I said I question that level of attachment. DMIL said 'well I'd take her away if you'd let me'. I didn't know what to say to that. I'm not sure of her response is after talking to Bil or not. DP says he'd let her go for a week with no questions.

OP posts:

diddl · 25/04/2015 17:33

Any chance BIL is so invested as his MIL is complaining to him??

I can't see why you think that if you all went MIL would pay for your daughter??

I would have thought that that made it obvious that is was just about MIL & your daughter.

Well, I think that 4 is too young.

Don't like MIL playing the guilt thing.

Runnaway · 25/04/2015 17:41

You should go too. I think your dd would want you there. I don't think YABU. She is your dd, so your rules. Trust your instincts.

MsPavlichenko · 25/04/2015 17:43

I don't know why you are letting your BIL be involved in what should be 1. a discussion between you, DH and MIL and 2. Your and DH's decision ultimately.

Don't pussyfoot around, just ask what she meant, and take it from there instead of talking about hypothetical situations involving others.

Happy36 · 25/04/2015 17:46

I would let her go however your concerns are not unreasonable. I would explain to the misunderstanding to your mother-in-law and suggest an alternative that everyone is happy with.

diddl · 25/04/2015 17:55

How often do MIL & your daughter see each other?

Does she already have her for days out/overnights?

If not then isn't Disneyland a bit ambitious?

And if so, why isn't what she has enough??

Your BIL sounds awful!

"When will you be afford to take her"??

How about fucking never & why does he care??

It's not essential!!

gabsdot45 · 25/04/2015 18:05

I had a similar situation when DS was about 4, MIL said that she wanted to take him and his 6 year old cousin to Legoland in Denmark. She didn't ask, she just said she was going to do it.
I spoke to DH about it and he agreed that DS was too young and I told her that DS wouldn't be going, She was offended, she said, Don't you trust me, But I explained that we felt he was too young and that the 2 boys would be a lot to manage for her. She;s a brilliant granny and I do totally trust her, I just felt that DS was too young.
in the end she took cousin to Disneyland and they had a lovely time. I was glad I didn't let DS go though.
She is your child and ultimitely you have to do what you are comfortable with.

Pico2 · 25/04/2015 18:13

I wouldn't let my 4 yo leave the country without either me or DH. We took DD to DLP in the autumn. It was hard work and tiring for DD. I think it would be a big challenge for any of her GPs.

lem73 · 25/04/2015 18:19

No way. Disney is very busy. You need to be alert at all times. I couldn't allow it even if it was the only chance my kids would get to visit Disney.

Original poster

Cassie258 · 25/04/2015 20:16

I don't think she meant it in a guilt trip kind of way but I don't know what way she did mean it. I think just as a comment. I don't think she's that kind of person tbh. I am quite certain she's open and honest.

She would definitely be paying for DD because she said she would. Very clearly. The impression I got from the conversation was that DP and I would be paying for ourselves and DDs passport but she would pay for DD to go. Like I say, I thought we were all going. She's never ever been one to push boundaries with DD. It's always been what we are comfortable with.

I don't know if she's moaned to Bil but I do know he tells small lies. He told mil that DP earns x amount. This figure was plucked from the air as DP never tells anyone but me and it was wrong. Similar small things come up.

DD has stayed with mil twice overnight. First time when DD had not long turned 3. She loves it there and she loves mil. We live an hour away so it's rare they get time alone together. We go up there too so it makes sense we stay with her.

OP posts:

FixItUpChappie · 25/04/2015 20:24

personally, I'd just tell her your all going as you initially planned. if If she kicks up a fuss I'd just say plainly that your not ready to be that far from her and besides you'd all enjoy taking her to Disneyland Paris

I'm the same OP - I am just not ready and I've put my foot down with my family that I do not want to be pressured. They will have to wait.....it's not like they don't get access - just not out of town trips. I don't think that's unreasonable.

wheresthelight · 25/04/2015 20:54

imo 4 is too young to be leaving the country with anyone who isn't her parents and even more so with someone who has a history of strokes.

even if nothing happens to dd (which in all likelihood will be the case) what happens if your mil has a stroke thay leaves her I'll or worse dead. I would be clarifying the plans with your mil and suggesting that you and dp gp to and make a nice family memory of the trip, but use mils health rather than what if something happens to dd as the leverage

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