To think my children should be able to "play nicely"

[Cabawill]

4 months ago we adopted our DS (5) and DD (almost 4). We've really come a long way in our relationship with them and their relationship together in that short time and in general they behave like most other children I know of the same age.

Where I get annoyed is HOW they play with the toys they have, some bought by us, some gifts and a few they bought with them from Foster Carers. I'm generally very laid back and understand that accidents happen. I think we also make allowances as they've obviously been through a lot. If I see them being rough I do say "careful, you don't want to break it because then you won't be able to play with it" and they do seem to pause but not for long. But things are so expensive and they seem to ruin every single thing within days (hours sometimes). We've had a toy ban the last few weeks as our friends and parents spoil them rotten and I thought that might help as they're not constantly getting new things but no change yet.

Is this normal? I'm prepared to hear I am BU as I'm obviously new to this!

my kids were really rough with their toys at that age. Broke everything they touched.

I don't know anything about adoption or the challenges adopted children may face but have you had and will you continue to have support and training to help you understand them?

Well being adopted I think that has some impact. I'm guessing they've had a tuebuturbulent background?

Also if they've got a lot of stuff,you need to put some away.

And be positive - show them how to play and put stuff down nicely etc.

Also get them outside and let them run about etc and make a mess.

Thanks Fenella. Good to know this is not unusual.

We did go on a 4 day course during the time we were doing our home study. Luckily we met some lovely couple and a single adopter who we still see pretty regularly to provide support. Unfortunately, we all agree we have been "left to it" by the Social Workers since the children have been placed over the past 6 months. All our children have come from different local authorities too so it's not as though it's just one that is failing.

My DH and I read a lot and have been using a lot of therapeutic parenting strategies which seem to be working well.

Hi and a very big congratulations to you as parents. I'm in such awe of anyone who makes a positive difference to children who really need a loving parents. Not sure that makes sense but I mean from birth I've watched my dc grow and develop, getting to know them gradually. You, and they, must be on overload learning so much all at once!!!
Yanbu to think do should play nicely. However I find it happens sometimes, not all times. Maybe tired, possessive, plain grumpy, hungry etc. Also if they have been given a lot of toys perhaps let them choose a couple to keep out and use, then the rest go away, rotate them because "there isn't enough room for everything". I find less is sometimes best. I have 5 do btw if I didn't do this my living room looks like a toy shop.
I spent some time in/out of foster care (same family) I adored my foster mother she definitely taught me consequence. If I broke something, she would not replace it. I was upset about the doll with one leg, my fault, I broke it and was reminded so because she kept it.

You're right Iggy. We've bought a water and sand table which they love and make a mess in. I just strip them off in the utility room so it doesn't matter how sandy or wet they get.

For DD's birthday we've got her a doll and I think after what you've said I'm going to introduce it to her by showing her how a baby should be looked after as maybe she doesn't actually know you have to be gentle etc.

It's very normal. There is a lot going on with them. It's a case of repeat, repeat, repeat for you. They may be overwhelmed by the sheer volume of toys. They won't place any value on so many gifts. They are coping with massive changes. I would recommend you read Dan Hughes attachment parenting. I agree you look for training or a support group.
Congratulations on your new family

Just want to add our 5yr olds play rough with toys all the time, slamming, throwing, wrestling etc with them. I'm hoping it's their age!

X post. Sorry.

Please pop over to the Adoptions board we're a friendly bunch.

I think this is not uncommon for adopted children. My elder ADD never learned to play (though was never rough with toys).

4 months is very early days. Suggest you put expensive things away and buy cheap from charity shops for now.

Awww thanks Travellers. They are the best thing we've ever done. We made a conscious choice to choose older siblings. Our children were classed as "hard to place" and had been in FC for almost 2 years. Their behaviour was very challenging to start but consistent, firm parenting with boundaries and lots of affection has really brought them on. When their SW visited after 10 weeks, she cried and said they were different kids and she couldn't believe it. I'm not blowing my own trumpet by the way as we do have a looooong way to go.

I will def be looking at rotating after her birthday as I'm sure she'll get loads of pressies tat

This is a lovely post. I like the sound of your family. One thing is if you put some special toys away, only to be played with carefully when they are calm, the toys will assume a high value in their eyes and they will probably be fascinated with them. So this is a good idea and you can let them play with the special toys as a reward.

Quite normal to be a bit rough with toys at this age - at least my own are anyway

DS age 4 pushed his train at speed across the kitchen table this evening and it crashed to the floor and I thought he might have broken a floor tile. Obviously I told him not to do it again but I'm sure he will.

A lot of our toys are broken but I suppose they're there to be played with - not preserved

My elder (adopted) DS is still a bit of a nightmare with toys at nearly 9 - although he is getting there! I don't think it is uncommon to be rough with toys at that age anyway, as other posters have said. However, its also really common for children with their sort of background to have difficulties with executive functioning skills - all the stuff which allows them to link cause and effect, think before they act, restrain impulses, etc. Those skills will come but much more sloooowly, so it will be much harder for them to remember that dropping dolly over the banisters will mean she isnt so nice to play with next time, and to restrain the impulse to do it!

It sounds like you have made so much progress with them in a short time so I would be very pragmatic here. Cheap toys and/or toys you can bear to see damaged. If you've got shedloads, put some in a box and rotate them - they're so much more fun when they haven't been seen for a week or two! Ask family to buy short term, dispensable stuff like pens, paper, sticker books, craft kit etc.