To get annoyed at parents that get overly involved in their DCs friendship issues?

[LaceyBeads]

I have 3 DCs of various ages, and in each of their main friendship groups there is always one friend whose mum insists on getting involved every time there is any kind of conflict in the group of friends, insisting that their child is innocent and blaming all the other children. Ironically the children whose mums do this are usually the most manipulative children in the group, who cause ructions and arguments and bad feeling, yet their mums feel that they are little angels.

DD1 is 16 and the mum like this out of her group of friends carried on doing it until the girls were well into secondary school. She would phone other mums, including me, for things like our child not wanting to be her daughter's partner in PE that day. Not quite sure what she expected us to do tbh. Another time my DD and her DD went into town together when they were about 13, and her DD bumped into another girl she knew and went off with her and left DD alone, so DD came home. The other mum even phoned me up about that incident, saying that my DD abandoned her DD, leaving her alone and vulnerable!

Now a mum from DD2's (aged 10) friendship group is doing the same thing; constantly phoning around other mums and basically blaming our children for things that her daughter has usually started in the first place. Her DD is very spoilt and if DD or one of the other girls won't do exactly as she says she basically has a tantrum and her mum then gets on the phone to moan about her little darling being upset.

It's actually getting ridiculous. AIBU to be pissed off about it?

Yanbu, dd1's best friend's mum is like this too. She stopped calling me about issues when I refused to discuss it with her and told her I wasn't getting involved. Doesn't stop her constantly calling the school about it though....

DD2's mum is constantly phoning the school too. Such a waste of teacher time and effort sorting out her complaints all the time. Also whenever one of the other girls has done something to upset her DD, she will blank the mum of the child at the school a lot of the time.

Lucky them! I mostly just ignore bf's mum, I don't like her as a person, so don't want to be friends. Often think life would be easier for dd if she had a different bf, but that's not going to happen any time soon!

I've spoken with the school about it before, and every time they recognise that the problems are "more with the parents than the girls", but every few weeks dd, bf and other bf are summoned to head to explain things.... It's pretty exhausting!

my DS got uninvited from his ffriends birthday party last year. and they were in reception class looks like things won't improve!

This mum sounds a twat! Don't entertain her, if she rings say you're not going to discuss it. For some reason this appears to be commonplace, bonkers!

That is ridiculous. Absolutely.

I've had it the other way around though with (physical) fighting going on within a group of 7-8 year old boys, not a clear cut bullying issue but a case of some winding one up mostly verbally and him hitting out (and kicking, throwing the boys on the ground - quite violent) - my son was among the winder uppers but every boy including the hitter said boy M was the one who started throwing insults 90% of the time AND the one coming in for the worst reprisals.

Boy M is a massively spoiled child whose mum interferes when it suits her, but as the problems are happening at flash point times when she is usually at work, and at school, she will not admit anything is going on "and even if it is M is a quiet boy and wouldn't be involved".

All the other mums were willing to get together and work the problem out - including the mum if the aggressive boy (who has some issues) but nothing can be achieved when this one mum (or dad, but he is hard to get a word out of) won't engage.

We are abroad and school won't get involved - I guess they'd handle it in the UK so there'd be less need for parents to be as "involved".

The boys are all on again, off again friends, so IMO it is a friendship issue that does need parental involvement. We have had to tell DS just to move well away if it kicks off and he's stayed out of trouble, but it is still kicking off sometimes as M continues to wind the other boy up!

Wow that is full on, I'd love to ring the parents of the children who bully my child and go mental at them but only in my head! I am guilty of letting dd's friendship troubles get the way of my own once or twice though, I've dropped friends because I can't stand the way their little darlings have treated my little darling. I regret that though & wish I'd just let it go.

ooh goodness this takes me back to college! :D

When we were all 16 there was a girl in our peer group who drove us all crazy but could do no wrong! Her mum was the WORST, she would ring our parents over literally nothing, she once rang up our art teacher because a friend got a higher grade in the art exam than this girl and wanted to know why- said mum also rang friend's parents to 'demand a reason she got the higher grade!

YANBU OP, as your DD and the other girls get older, they may find the girl with the interfering mum isn't that much fun to be around after all!

I am involved with my kids friends and being friendly/on speaking terms with the parents goes with the territory. I am first to get involved if I feel my child is part of or is being unfairly treated. School doesn't really get involved ...

However, My kids are still in juniors and will back off and leave them when they go to high school ...

Yes, I have experienced one of these Mums too, she even rang me to say her Dd had wet herself because my Dd would not come home with her whilst she went to the loo, the girl was five minutes from home and age 12, yet she blamed my daughter for her wet knickers. I'm ashamed to say, I'd had incident after incident, which Id calmly ignored,but then I lost my temper and blasted her, she never rang me again. Thank GOd, the girls are no longer friends.She too was constantly on the phone to the school about trivial things.Her daughter took no responsibility for her behaviour and was always blameless.Mother and daughter fed off each other, the kid liked creating the drama and seeing the Mum wade in, she even argued with little kids on behalf of the daughter.Part of me felt sorry for her because she was so desperate for her Dd to be happy and if anything she cared too much, but at the same time I despised her behaviour.

When I was a kid (year 4, so what, 8 or 9?) my on-off best friend's mum came into school at break time and shouted at me for us having fallen out! I think that tops a lot of bonkers behaviour. It was so weird.

Mumofthemonsters, the woman that you knew sounds exactly like DD2's mum! The child sounds the same too; she seems to thrive on the drama and the mum loves sorting it out, and I've seen the mum argue with little children on various occasions too.

There's always one isn't there! I had it with my dd's friend's mum as well. After she rang my house having got my number by really badgering n pressurising someone who would've ordinarily known better than to give it out, I just told her straight that I'd left school over 20 years ago, didn't miss the politics n the crap of the playground n wasn't going to revisit unless it was for something I really needed to NOT the rubbish she was on about.

Petty nonsense is for the kids to sort between them. After all, how do they learn tact, diplomacy n people skills if they r always extricated from situations? Goes without saying that if there was something serious I would (n did) be on it faster than Usain Bolt but it is actually deskilling children to sort every tiny, minor thing for them. Yanbu OP!

I knew a guy at uni's whose mum was still doing this. She rang around his house mates complaining that they weren't pulling their weight with the washing up.......

Had this too with my ds1 (10). Have some neighbour friends who attend same school. An incident occurred in school and neighbours child approached me in school to comlain about ds1. After a few discussions it came clear that neighbours child and friends had been being mean to my ds1 and he gave them a taste of their own medicine. Neighbours child reported it to the teacher and matter was dealt with.
Next thing my neighbour texts me asking if her child had "had a word with me" about my ds1...
I firmly told her that 1..on closer inspection ur child has admitted provoking and bullying my ds1 and he reacted

1. The teachers had dealt with the matter. 3. And that school matters stay in school especially as neither of us were present.
2. I had no intention of having any further discussions about dealt with school matters.

She got the message loud and clear!!

I know a few like this, living vicariously through their children and fanning the flames to up their self-importance.

Hard to advise as ignoring then sometimes makes things worse as their craving for attention overrides their ability to act like normal parents.

and good luck!

I did this once when Dd was 8 but I was at my wits end and it was more about the child's very difficult behaviour at my house over a long period. It did not go well. People who do this all the time are completely ridiculous I agree. I'll sit chatting to my dd for as long as she likes about her friendship issues but I will never again contact another parent. People doing this when their children are at high school are unbelievable.

yes. I had this experience with a mother at DD's school. She came across as rather over-involved in her kid's issues and would do the same thing of wading in and getting involved instead of staying out of it.

One year we had a run-in in the playground, after I caught her bollocking my 8 year old dd and calling her mean.

I wouldn't dream of behaving like this, despite my DD1's current friendship problems. Her best friend's mum and I are good friends, at the moment DD's best friend is not being a very good friend at all - but I'm not getting involved beyond offering support to best friend's mum when she asks for it. The girls have to work it out for themselves, even if that means their friendship ending. Getting involved only makes things worse for everyone.

So far backing off seems to be working well too, DD is much happier and more confident. And she's done it all herself - she's discussed it with me and asked for advice, but done her own thing. It's been a real boost to her self-esteem.