AIBU - Work woes

[MTBMummy]

I'm hoping that the mumsnet collective can assist and let me know if I ABU, or I just work for an arse. I've not had the best relationship with my boss, so it may be clouding my judgement

My dad passed away 3 weeks ago, the Wednesday night before the Easter Bank holiday, I messaged my boss in the evening to let him know and that I wouldn't be in the next day. His exact words where "Dont't worry do what you need to" The weekend was shit, but kept a brave face on so that I didn't ruin Easter for the kids (we lost my mum 2,5 years ago, and it's still very raw for DD) because I'd burried my emotions I thought I was ok, and went back to work on the Tuesday, I also had some work that I had to complete so as not to let down another team. I asked if I could have the Thursday afternoon off as that's when they'd be doing a memorial for him. I should point out that my dad died in another country and my sister and uncle (DF's brother) flew out to deal with everything, but I still wanted the head space to say my goodbyes at the same time. Anyway boss agreed that it would be ok.

I wrote my fathers Eulogy on the Wednesday night, and suddenly it all hit me hard, I think actually having to deal with my emotions and put pen to paper forced me to deal with his death. Anyway I again messaged my boss and explained I was in a mess and I wouldn't be in the office in the morning.

I returned to work on the Friday as I knew I had the following week booked as annual leave, and I could "suck it up" for one day, and I wanted to be sure all work was tided up and handed over for my weeks leave.

Had a nice week off last week, and got some head space to actually process what happened, grieve a bit and try and move forward.

Anyway last night DP stupidly rode his bicycle into a tree and hurt his arm, it swelled quickly and he couldn't move it, we phoned 111, and took their advice to take paracetamol and then ibuprofen and see how it was in the morning, but to go to A&E if it got worse. At about 9pm it wasn't any better, but it wasn't any worse, so I messaged my boss to say that if in the morning things were worse, I would need to work from home to assist with the DC's. His response floored me, basically accused me of coming up with excuses for weekly days off.

Thankfully DP's arm was ok and I have gone into work as usual, but this is really pissing me off. Aside from when I was pregnant over a year ago, I have had no regular absences, and even those where working from home so I could attend appointments as DS was a baby that didn't move much if at all for days on end.

Sorry for your loss
It does seem a bit harsh though messages aren't always the best way to communicate and maybe your boss was having a difficult day, they aren't immune,. I would speak to your boss and explain what happened properly. Hopefully he'll understand and apologise.

sorry for your loss.

but I'd be really fucked off if one of my staff kept messaging me of an evening with "I might/might not be in tomorrow".

Most workplaces have a very clear absence policy which includes time off for bereavement (anything between 2-5 days is the norm) and usually involves phoning in to work on the day, not contacting your boss at home the night before. When I'm at home that's my down time.

As it is, on this particular occasion with your DP and a potential trip to A&E you've irritated your manager for no reason, he's dealt with badly, unprofessional behaviour from both of you.

I am sorry about your dad.

I do think he was unprofessional. Even if he thinks that, he should deal with it in a better way.

However, its often harder (as a manager) when people keep changing what they are doing, rather than just taking time off. I used to get really frustrated with 'i might not be in'.

I think it would be best to speak to him about it. You may think its better to forewarn him, he may feel otherwise.

If you are texting, he will have a stream of texts in front of his eyes that really do keep making excuses for days off. Your excuses are in your view all valid reasons but what he can see, written in front of his eyes is a communication series that is all about not coming into work. Phone calls cannot be reread, texts can, and with modern phones all your earlier texts will be there in a line providing him with the evidence he needs to make his statement.

It tends not to matter good you have been in the past with absence, you blew your previous good history in a few days if you have had as much time out as you say. I am not being unsympathetic, I am just seeing it through his eyes.

Sorry for your loss.
The issue for me in your bosses shoes would be the texting in the evening, revisit your company's absence reporting it is unlikely to say text your boss outside working hours, the may be in/may be off uncertainty and the assumption that you can work from home and concern that you wouldn't actually be working you would be doing childcare and looking after dp and his arm.
It sounds like your boss was really supportive after your dad died, presumably gave you paid leave for the time you had but now needs you to get back to work and crack on so the dp bike accident was not well received.

Hope things improve for you soon

a genuine, non sarcastic question...

"Hi boss, I might or might not be in tomorrow"

what exactly did you expect your manager to do with that information at 9pm on a Tuesday night?

The dad's death, certainly should have taken your full days (not sure how many you get)

I don't think the childcare thing is a valid reason though.

Fair enough, I'm obviously being unreasonable.

The actual policy states call in before 9am on the day you're going to be off, but it has always been said in our team to notify by text in the evening before if you know you're not likely to be in, and confirm in the morning.

I guess from my point of view I thought I was doing the right thing notifying him in advance that there may be an issue with my attendance today, which obviously came to nothing.

We don't get a defined number of days off for deaths, compassionate leave is at the discretion of the manager. I'm yet to find out if I've been paid for them.

YANBU for being upset about the way that he spoke to you in his message, he could have sat down and explained to you that your absence was becoming a bit frequent and it needs to be worked on / addressed.
However, I could not expect to be paid for the time off, bar 1 or 2 days compassionate leave.

Compassionate leave is usually paid for the day of the funeral only if you are going to attend. I know you didn't, but out of good will I would have paid you.

You say that aside from Maternity you have not have 'regular' time off, does this mean none at all or not often? I would also take this in to account.

All in all, his response was not professional, but again, I would be annoyed if someone kept coming up with reasons not to come in.