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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want our wedding day to be just the 2 of us, with no guests?

25 replies

MidnightSun77 · 22/04/2015 11:23

DP and I have been talking about getting married for years. We'd always planned a small wedding with a few nights of partying afterwards (family and close friends). We'd talked about hiring a big self-catering country house for a few days, so his relatives from abroad have somewhere to stay and we can spend time with everyone before our honeymoon.

However, now I'm pregnant and due to HG (severe pregnancy sickness) our plans have changed. We both want to marry before baby is born (very important to us) but want a no-fuss registry office ceremony. As I still feel nauseous most of day, and often spend all evening vomiting, I don't feel up to having a meal afterwards or having guests or even going on honeymoon until baby is born. We decided to do the family-friends celebration next year, renewing our vows.

However, we can't agree on whether or not to invite a few friends to the actual marriage ceremony in registry office this year. DP would like a few of our close friends to be present as witnesses and many have offered, but thing is they all live a long drive away so would need to stay overnight (some may want to stay a few days to make it worthwhile) and would want to stay with us. I'd feel a bit mean telling them to get a hotel, but the thought of guests staying (even just 2 or 3 people) spoils the no-stress plan I had. I'd like them to be there while we say our vows, but I don't feel up a meal out afterwards or to entertaining them in evening. So it would literally be a 20-min ceremony then we'd go straight home, and they would have had a 5-hour drive. Of course DP could go out with them, or they could spend time at our place, but I'd feel left out and a bit resentful if I felt too unwell to join in. I'd rather have an intimate stress-free day with DP instead, even if it's just cuddling in bed as husband and wife! If he has to entertain guests while I rest, it feels less intimate and not very romantic.

AIBU to want us to go to registry office alone, then come home and spend our wedding day and night just the 2 of us? Or should I agree to a few close friends attending? Would it be unreasonable to ask them to stay in a hotel when we have room to put them up?

OP posts:

StatisticallyChallenged · 22/04/2015 11:26

How far along are you? I suffered HG too so I know what you mean about feeling awful, BUT in my case it did lessen as the pregnancy continued.. It doesn't for everyone though.

Could you possibly book the wedding for when you are a bit further along to see whether your health improves, and leave the decision on guests until nearer the time?

Tmrgl · 22/04/2015 11:29

You are not being unreasonable wanting a small ceremony but if your DP would like a few friends to witness and they are happy to stay in a local hotel, I don't think you should block that.

CMOTDibbler · 22/04/2015 11:35

I'd do just the two of you, get some MN witnesses, and then maybe have a humanist celebration next year doing as big a party as you like.

Hope the HG eases soon

AuntyMag10 · 22/04/2015 11:37

I think it would be a bit mean of you to have the day pan out only the way you want it. It's not ur to suggest they stay at a place close by though. What does your dp want?

glittertits · 22/04/2015 11:45

Do you have local friends who are up to the job, but could bugger off afterwards?

A day of husband-and-wife cuddles sounds wonderful!

SoonToBeMrsB · 22/04/2015 11:50

DP and I are getting married alone next year but we both want that, it's not something you can really compromise on if one person wants guests.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 22/04/2015 11:51

It's not just your day so you do have to take into account how your DP feels about it. If HG means you can't face having a larger event but your DP wants to have some people there then perhaps you are putting unnecessary pressure on yourselves to get married before your baby is born.

Ratfinkandbobo · 22/04/2015 11:52

Yanbu, if that is what you want then go for it. Perhaps you can have a celebration after baby is born

BarbarianMum · 22/04/2015 11:55

YANBU but neither is your dp. Personally I'd rather have postponed my wedding than had it just the 2 of us (didn't care about dresses, venues etc but did very much want to celebrate with friends and family), so it does depend a bit on how strongly he feels about it.

But no way should you feel obliged to put people up either before or after.

ebwy · 22/04/2015 11:56

do it. I wanted us married before baby was born, due to his family kicking off we didn't and I resent it.

Chuckitinthefuckitbucket · 22/04/2015 12:40

Do it.
Once you invite a handful of people it opens up a can of worms. Everyone will expect an invite and people get offended- ime!

squoosh · 22/04/2015 12:44

YABU

But who will act as witness if you don't invite anyone at all? Contrary to MN lore not everyone wants to be stopped in the street to be asked to witness a stranger's wedding.

squoosh · 22/04/2015 12:44

Ooops that should have been YANBU.

squoosh · 22/04/2015 12:45

Your DP isn't being unreasonable either though

TheUnwillingNarcheska · 22/04/2015 12:54

If a friend asked me to be a witness and then bugger off afterwards, I happily would. It is about you and your soon to be Dh. What you want.

So if choosing local people would piss off friends who live far away, grab some strangers or traditionally, MN people, get married. And do whatever you want to do for the rest of the day.

fluffymouse · 22/04/2015 13:03

You will still need witnesses. Could you ask a couple of local friends to come along?

APlaceOnTheCouch · 22/04/2015 13:08

I don't think it will be a problem to get witnesses.

I worked beside a registry office and we regularly had brides-and-grooms-to-be asking if we'd act as witnesses. There were always people willing to do it. I imagine it's the same beside most other registry offices. It's probably easier than stopping someone in the street to knock on the next door and ask for volunteers.

But I do still think you need to take your DP's wishes into account.

Original poster

MidnightSun77 · 22/04/2015 16:21

Thanks for replies.

I'm 21weeks now... although HG has improved I still feel very unwell and am wary of planning anything too big. Like you say, hopefully it will keep improving as pregnancy progresses.

We're going to have an extra ceremony next summer, to renew vows, so family and friends will be coming to that.

You're right that it's DP's day as well and I need to take his wishes into consideration too. I know it's important to him to have a couple of close friends share the moment with us, so think I'll have to compromise and let them come. Its hard to draw the line though, as lots of our friends are keen to come and if we're not careful we'll end up with a house-full of people! I just want it to be quiet, romantic and not feel under pressure to entertain guests when I'm feeling sick.

OP posts:

HellRunner · 22/04/2015 17:15

I wasn't pregnant but there was only me and DH at our wedding (wedding planner and photographer witnessed). We did it overseas though and although we told people we were getting married we didn't invite anyone. It was perfect.

MellieGrant · 22/04/2015 17:22

You're right that it's DP's day as well and I need to take his wishes into consideration too... Its hard to draw the line though

You've compromised so your DP needs to step up to the plate, pick 2 or 3 people and then insist they go off elsewhere because you aren't up to it. That's only fair.

pootlebug · 22/04/2015 17:26

We got married with just the two of us (plus the kids). We grabbed a couple of people to be our witnesses - it was easier and fairer to grab random people than ask some people and therefore have the ones who hadn't been asked potentially upset etc.

I do think you both need to be comfortable with it. But hopefully if you have the 'do' next year instead, that can be the day to celebrate with friends and family - this one's just for you two.

SecondMrsAshwell · 22/04/2015 17:26

I think the most marvellous wedding I ever went to was one where I just went to my normal Sunday evening Mass and, instead of a sermon, a couple came up the aisle, got married in front of us and then took their seats again. The service carried on.

So no, you don't need to go through the rigmarole of the "big" wedding. You can do your own thing. Then, once you've got into your stride with the baby, you can plan something with your families - maybe do that self- catering house plan - that sounds brilliant..... and a far better spend than a mahoosive wedding.

And I hope your sickness clears up soon.

scribblegirl · 22/04/2015 17:27

Why not do it just you two, and then have a blessing when you get baby christened (if you're planning to) and then have a big joint party then?

ChillySundays · 22/04/2015 19:40

I got married with my DC as witnesses. Nice and quiet without any fuss. My DH was happy with this too.

Since your DP isn't so keen perhaps you can pick a couple of local friends. Rather than go out for a meal perhaps a takeaway at home so you can relax if you are still feeling rough

SaucyJack · 22/04/2015 20:01

YANBU.

Get the legalities of the marriage out of the way now before the baby's born, and then have a wedding next year when you'll feel (and look!) a lot better.

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