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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To no longer do the dishes?

43 replies

BabyGanoush · 21/04/2015 18:29

Been part time working /sahm since kids born.

Basically, I do all school stuff, house stuff, garden stuff. DH works full time.

2 boys, 11 and 13.

Have said I will no longer be chef Caterer unless the 3 of them do the washing up.

Big banging sounds in kitchen, shouting and arguing. I am hiding in the loft.

I ambot BU am I?

Told DH it is for the sake of the boys, who need to learn men can clean up too.

How did it come to this!

Trying to break out of a flippin timewarp scenario!!!

Aibu?

OP posts:

MostlyCake · 22/04/2015 10:49

Cooking and cleaning are life skills which everyone needs to learn. I house shared with two blokes and two girls in second year of uni and as soon as we could break the lease us girls moved in together and left the blokes living literally in squalor.

it pisses me off immensely that the idea that people with penises can't wash up, cook or clean. I'm already spending a lot of time asking my 20 month DS to tidy things up and put things away, as soon as he is tall enough to reach the sink he's doing the dishes too!

MrsKoala · 22/04/2015 10:57

I'll go against the grain here and say I'd make the DC do it but not my dh. If he's at work all day and the children are at school and you are not working many hours I wouldn't expect him to do any chores. I'd be pissed off if I was expected to do it and dh was home all day without having anything like childcare/work to do.

You say he gets more free time at weekends? Is that more free time than you get Monday to Friday in the day? Or just more free time than you get at weekends too?

Original poster

BabyGanoush · 22/04/2015 16:10

Well MrsKoala, that is the hard question

Trying to be fair... DH currently has as much leisure time evenings/weekends as I get during the day.

It used to be he got more time off than me, when kids still at home and he did lots of golf weekends.

It is equal now, but has not been for long. So I feel owed it!

Fucking golf and me withbaby and tot at home. Oh well, that is all in the past but I have learned to be selfish .
The washing up thing is more a matter of principle somehow.

I dislike cleaning/washing up when people around me crack open a beer and put their feet up.

Yet I don'tmind cleaning up if I am on my own

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 22/04/2015 16:17

YANBU.

It's not 'helping' to pull your weight at home and your children need to learn that people are not skivvies because they have vaginas because people like me are teaching their daughters to never put up with such a sexist.

And no, I don't think the DH gets waited on hand and foot because he works FT.

expatinscotland · 22/04/2015 16:18

Your kids have no excuse. Stop skivving for them because they have penises. They will get nowhere with today's women who usually have to work FT, too.

justmyview · 22/04/2015 16:20

I'm with Mrs Koala. OP is rather vague about her working hours, but doesn't seem to be out at work at all just now. With school age children and a DH who works full time, I wouldn't expect DH to pitch in with household tasks

MrsKoala · 22/04/2015 17:16

Baby - i wouldn't do it when someone was cracking open a beer either. I would do it the next day when they are at work, so i could enjoy the evening and cracking open a beer with them. OR better still get your dc to do it.

It's not because I have a vagina, it's because i'm home all day.

Original poster

BabyGanoush · 23/04/2015 07:56

I am vague about working hours as I am a free lance translator so I can have 20hrs or 0hrs a week, it is never regular. I have had no project this month (kep it free for Easter hoks) but am starting a big one again next week.

Hence the vagueness. Work less than DH but get paid more btw, not sure if that is relevant!

OP posts:

ZombieKoala · 23/04/2015 10:13

I've never considered doing the dishes as housework, or a household task. It's the same as clearing away your own crap, putting you dirty clothes in the right place or not leaving your dirty cups around.

Anyone who's eaten the meal helps clear up when they're finished.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 23/04/2015 13:05

I'd be pissed off if I was expected to do it
I can't understand why you'd be pissed off at having to wash up. But then, I'd feel uncomfortable sitting on my backside watching someone cook for me and then wash up after me. That seems inherently selfish to me.

Plus where do you draw the line? Because her DH works out of the house does that he mean he doesn't need to pick up after himself either? Can he leave rubbish lying around because OP can tidy up when he's at work?

MrsKoala · 23/04/2015 13:10

Yes, that's pretty much how it works in this house. I don't do the dishes in the evening when dh is here, i sort it all out in my 'work day', which is between the time he leaves the house for work and when he gets home. Then we both look after the children equally and do no chores.

marimama · 23/04/2015 13:14

I liked a friend's method...when mine are old enough will try. She has three girls. Rotating schedule: each week the girls are on dishwashing, bathroom or hoover duty. Each week it switches so they get breaks...

thewavesofthesea · 23/04/2015 13:15

'(dishwasher is in futility room so a bit awkward for them)'

Kanyes this made me laugh!! My utility room is a little futile at times when it just gets so full of washing I can't move let alone wash!!

thewavesofthesea · 23/04/2015 13:16

*misses point entirely of thread

LooseAtTheSeams · 23/04/2015 13:24

I like futility room too, in fact I think I shall adopt that - although mine is really a futility cupboard!

I think rather than worry about who works more hours, the point is that you want the DCs to be able to do this stuff. So, maybe say you'll take it in turns whether you or DCs wash up and when it's their turn your DH will supervise them.

You can even trade their washing up turn if they do the cooking instead but of course that does require more planning!

I'd do this for no other reason than their reaction showed there was something really skewed about their view of the world!

MrsKoala · 23/04/2015 13:35

I agree Loose. If my dc were old enough DH and i would take it in turns to supervise the washing up. But on a separate note i put everything in the dishwasher. The only thing i wash up are the baby bottles.

geekymommy · 23/04/2015 19:40

But if they're living on their own, there won't be someone home all day to do household chores. In a lot of marriages, there is no stay-at-home spouse, but chores still have to get done. Balancing chores with other responsibilities outside the home is a skill they are likely to need.

It isn't just about getting the chores done, although that is necessary. It's also about your sons learning how to cook and do other chores. Those are skills they will need, and they're things that humans of either gender are not born knowing how to do. Some people can pick up these skills to a greater or lesser degree by seeing them done by other people, but some people really benefit from more explicit instruction. Your DH clearly didn't learn to cook by having his parents do it for him. Maybe he would have if someone had explained it to him.

Original poster

BabyGanoush · 23/04/2015 20:22

MrsKoaka, yes I think that us ghe way forward.

Geekymommy: yes exactly that!

OP posts:

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