To ask how you cope leaving your children and going out to work if you don’t want to

[BB2000]

This is not meant of as a criticism of those working out of the home and enjoy doing so at all – I always thought that that would be me. But it turns out that for me personally I would much rather be a SAHM and be with my two DC (1 and 3). But for financial reasons I’m going back to work post mat leave.

I know I am lucky – I have a good well paid job, part-time 3 days a week – many people would be delighted with this. But I’d much rather be at home with my children. We could do it just about financially but it would be a real stretch; it would half our income and mean a massive change in lifestyle and leave no contingency as we have no real savings between myself and DP.

Logically thinking of the long term I am sure it is the right thing for us as a family to have the stability and opportunities that the money brings but for now I just feel really down about it (maybe I am just being self indulgent). When I went back post DC1 I found it stressful getting my work done in those 3 days and I really missed her.

Most people I know seem to be quite happy to go back to work and have that side of their life back. But I can’t be alone feeling like this can I? Please tell me you tips on coping with this.

Please be gentle – I’ve just dropped my baby off at nursery today and she got really very upset so may not be the most lucid in my OP today.

Very much not alone. I hate it. It is a bit easier now I've been doing it for 15 months, and I'm lucky in that I only work 3 days like you.
Do you have to do the drop off? I stopped after 2 months because it just upsets DD and me, and if I was by myself I'd probably take her home again.

Thanks Bringmewine. Yes I think I will talk to DP to see if he can do the drop off and I do the pick up. Not that it is easier for him really but I think he would probably handle it better and DD2 might get less upset.

I just think of the pension. not great but at least I'll have one.

can't think why anyone would want to slog away at work when they could be doing what they want with their kids.

you just accept that it has to happen and get on with things. reduce as much other out of work stuff that you don't like doing as much as possible. can you get a cleaner, shopping delivered.

you are right in thinking that 3 days is great - in my day PT jobs just weren't there other than menial ones. I'm happy i did it now, but like you hated it at the time. i can now afford things like extra tuition for A levels, and some money towards their uni costs etc. so try and focus on the positive, which i know isn't always easy

try and make the childcare a positive experience for them - my kids are really good with people and well balananced as a result.

Do you have lots of free childcare? Just wondering as sometimes this can add up to more than one wage anyway, which in your case would enable you to be a sahm if that's what you wanted.
I found it far easier to live frugally or not waste money being at home and our food bill and extras are half the price than if we have ever just done one large shop in a supermarket.
clothes and entertainment can be halved too as you can save so much if you aren't restricted to your annual leave choices.
Also, don't forget to add on extras you may need to consider such as running 2 cars, commute charges, lunches, work clothes etc. Not sure if any of this applies to you.

I work full time over three days which means that due to my long hours, on my working days, I only see DS once and very briefly in a 24 hour period.

He's 13 months old now and I returned to work when he was 10 months old.

The job I have now is a new job that I took on as soon as my Maternity Leave started as I didn't want to continue in my previous job which would be 9-5 five days a week and I just didn't want to be away from DS that often.

When I took on the new job I really wrestled with my conscience about the long hours and how it would affect DS but I came to the decision that having four full days with him a week justified my long hours. It was very hard at first and I missed DS dreadfully, I cried quite a lot on my car journey to work but now, three months in, I find it easier to cope with. I get in from work at about 21.30pm and I go straight to the baby monitor to stare at DS and I count down the hours until he will wake up (usually 6am) because I look forward to seeing him so much.

I also think of all the financial benefits that me working brings to the family, I.e we have holidays abroad, we put money into a savings account each month, we put £100 a month into an account for DS, we can afford nice trips out for him and nice toys etc. some of that may sound materialistic or unnecessary but I still feel good about the fact we can do it. If we relied solely on DH's wage then we'd pretty much be able to afford the mortgage and bills but nothing else.

My DS only needs to go to childcare twice a week and his childminder is amazing!!

Try and focus on the positives of you being back at work and give yourself time to adapt to it. Like I said, I'm three months into being back at work and still have moments of weakness.

Is the option of you being a SAHM completely impossible then? Des your DP know how you feel? Is there any way that you can meet half way?

I wanted my DCs to go to nursery because I never did and I found the transition to school after being with my mum so much quite traumatic. And my sons both breezed through it. So that could be one advantage of going back to work and using childcare.

I try not to do drop offs which I find upsetting, but my DS doesn't. It is so hard but does get easier. When I have a wobble I remind myself about what my working will allow us to do for the kids in the future that we otherwise wouldn't be able to. Try not to let this ruin the last of your mat leave. I ruined the last few months of mine dreading going back.

I have recently gone back to work parttime and I share your pain op. It isn't what I want. I feel I am abdicating responsibility for my son, and letting him down. I have a huge, huge fear he will resent me when I am older. But, the reality is, where we live, we couldn't afford a mortgage on just my husbads wage. This would mean selking up and moving into renting, and on one income it is quite lijely we would be using whatever nest egg we had out of the house to keep us afloat, eroding our equity. We would likely have to move to a worse area, and worse schools. We would be living on the breadline. I know mn posts often say 'move somewhere cheaper'. That is true, we could do that, but starting our lives all over again is a scary prospect. We have 10+ years of support network here, and I have a really good job, benefits etc.

So basically, I have no choice. Which means that wondering what if is relatively pointless. I still do it though! The only other thing is that I have a florida savings account. I opened it when I went back to eork, so I was working towards something special, not just the bills. I have 49 quid in it at the moment, but its more about what it represents, than what it adds up to now.

Btw, my son loves nursery!

I went back to work when DS was 4 months old (3 days pw).

In my case it was my choice (I work in a profession where long term out of work would lead to serious skills degradation and be hard to get back into).

That said the first month was very tough and I questioned daily if I was doing the right thing.

However 2 months later DS was clearly very happy at nursery and had settled in. I then upped my days to 4 where I "remained" until he started school and then went full time.

10 years later I'm glad I stuck with it.

Friends who stayed at home defiantly enjoyed being a SAHM but as time has gone on most - but not all - have regretted not continuing their career in some capacity and found getting back into work very difficult (an issue in itself - we should do more to help returning mums imho).

I enjoy my job and having my financial independence and I can't see any evidence that my DS has suffered or been negatively affected by my choices.

Whilst I'm sure I would have enjoyed being a SAHM in the pre-school years I wouldn't even with hindsight change the past and my situation today.

I remember crying in the office on my first day back at work after mat leave, I only went back part-time - 20hrs. A week later I was dropping DD off at nursery 30mins early so I could pick up a coffee and have a wee read of the paper in peace before starting work. That half an hour to myself was absolute bliss!

I slowly increased my hours and now DD is 5 and at school I'm back at work full time. It's hard and a constant worry about getting back to pick her up on time and finding cover for school holidays. DD often complains about having to go to breakfast and after school club but is not unhappy there.

TBH I'm really torn between wanting/needing to work and wanting/needing to spend more time with DD. Right now I feel like I'm not doing either one well. That said DD appears to be a happy well adjusted child and not suffering from her mothers neglect. I'm sure if you asked her she would want more mummy time.

If I could go back to part-time I would, that balance between work and home life is so important.

I focus on how it is good for my children. Them spending time with other people, doing things in different ways, doing different things etc. it is tough but has got better.

I almost had a nervous breakdown (I had pnd) prior to going back to work after maternity leave. I'd always planned to. I'm the bread winner and DH is a sahd. It is much easier than you think it will be once you get used to it. I've been back 2.5 years and work full time. I would rather be rich and not have to work so that I could be at home with DD but I'd rather work than be poor and at home.