To ask you to help me write a letter to my daughters father asking him to pay towards supporting her?

[Stressedout1980]

My daughter is 10. She hasn't seen her father since she was 3. She hasn't spoken to him since she was 5. He doesn't call, come to see her or write....and most importantly he doesn't pay towards her. This is all his choice although he is not allowed unsupervised visits due to previous DV.

As a single parent, I have earned a decent wage (enough for everything she needs on a day to day basis and treats) but not enough for nice holidays, cars, etc.

Her father lives in Scotland, we live in London. He does not deny her existence but believes that as he never had his father in his life, she'll cope. A year or 2 ago he wrote me an email claiming that he shouldn't have to pay stating that I will receive tax credits that will help pay for her and helpfully providing links to webpages.

I am over the threshold for tax credits...just. The increase in rental plus other expenses means that things are becoming more difficult. I want him to pay...if nothing else so she can save the money for when she is older.

I no longer know where he lives or have a contact number for him, only his email and his mothers address. I want to email him (without coming accross as an emotional mess) and tell him to pull his finger out and pay for his daughter....with links to my lack of benefits as he so helpfully provided previously.

AIBU?

Someone who knows more than me will come along in a moment, but isn't this the sort of situation that the CSA are there to help with?

In my experience (as the child of an absent father, not the ex-partner), it seems that some men do actually manage to absolve themselves of any sense of responsibility towards children that they've fathered, and will only contribute towards their upbringing if a court insists that they must.

Sorry, but I'm not sure what you're hoping to be able to say to him that will make him change his outlook and behaviour.

I think that he is honestly unlikely to respond to a letter in the way that you would wish. Please don't do it. He doesn't sound nice at all. And you would make yourself sound very vulnerable and thus lead him to think he has power over you.

But he absolutely should support his child. I would approach the CSA or whatever they are called now and let them sort it out.

Talk to the CSA, don't bother trying to negotiate with this dickhead yourself. He has a legal obligation to pay towards her, and can be forced to do so: they can deduct the money at source from his wages or benefits. They also have the resources to track him down: you have his name, his mother's name and his email address.

Actually, writing to him to tell him you are setting the CSA on him would be a bad idea, as he might start hiding - or spending - whatever money he does have. They need to be able to descend on him without warning... Good luck.

csa wont help they will refer you to child maintenance options contact them directly you might have to pay for them to collect the money though and pay to set it up to be honest csa have done nothing towards collecting anything for my daughter and now want me to go to child maintenance options and pay for the same of nothing why should i? because one day he might realize he has a child and pay for her? hasn't happened in the last 11 years cant see it happening now

What details do you need to provide in order to put in a claim with the CSA?

I suppose in some way I wanted to make him realize that he has a daughter who is desperate to see him but he shows no interest in her so she may as well have the money instead....deep down I know that's fruitless which is why I suppose I haven't done it.

aAgree with everyone else, he's not like
Y to have sudden heart or wallet change if you say PLEASE! Most decent people would have been doing it all along even if wasnt alot. Do get onto the CSA and don't hold your breath!

Don't write, just contact csa or whatever it's now called. Definately don't tip him off. If he cared he would see his dd or at the very least give you money. You and he are very different people, your logic won't work on him, don't bother wasting your ink/broadband usage.

Good luck op.

Thanks everyone.

Just looking at the Child Maintenance service. How can it be right that you have to pay for the right for your children to get maintenance...although not so despicable as a father who has to be hounded to provide for his child...

Yes it sucks. But I think he gets charged 20 percent for being a tosser.