To expect some supprt

[QueenFuri]

My mum was rushed to hospital on Friday she is very poorly. The hospital is a 24 minute drive or an hour or more on the bus which costs 6.59 a return. My partner brother and Sil drive I don't. I am currently sat on the bus a second time stewing they haven't bothered there bums asking if I want a lift or visited. We all have DC who can go to other granny's. AIBU to expect one of them to come with me as she is very poorly in the high dependency unit hooked up too all sorts of machines which is upsetting but its only an hours visit?

You're not BU. But you all need to talk. Go easy on yourself.

Sorry to hear your Mum is so unwell.
Tbh, I wouldn't expect anyone to offer a lift, but I would expect DP to give you a lift if you asked, and an offer would be nice.
I would expect your brother to be visiting himself - has he not been at the hospital?
Visiting in HDU can be very upsetting, it would have been nice for someone to have supported you.

No he hasn't visited he doesn't like hospitals, dp also hates hospitals and told me he wasn't taking me so don't ask. I guess it's the bus for me I just dread that I'll get bad news and be on my own I know I'll break down and be stuck on my own.

YANBU but QueenF lovey you need to ask for a lift.
I don't drive either

Then you need to ask for practical help too from friends and family. I know a family who have just been through this.

It's not very clear, is it your partner's brother and his wife who drive or your partner, brother and SIL? Sorry, please don't take that as a criticism as I know you are upset and typing on your phone but just wanted to clarify.

If it's your partner yes he should be driving you. Have you been over the weekend? Did he drive you then? Is there a reason why they can't help? I know some people might have their own work or childcare commitments which mean they can't do things at particular times, particularly if brother and SIL don't have another grandparent their kids can go to.

If it's your brother has he visited her at all? But perhaps at a different time of day? Is he maybe thinking that it's better that you go at a different time from him so that your mother has someone with her as much as possible?

If it is your partner's brother and his wife that you're expecting to help out, it would be nice if they would, but they're not really obliged because it's not their family.

But if it is your partner, brother and SIL, I agree with the other posters, you may need to sit down and talk. It will be a stressful time for your brother too so don't go in with all guns blazing, they may be struggling to get there too with their own commitments.

And practically, at the moment, it may well be best that your mother has someone with her for as much of the time as possible. You don't mention if your father is around or if she has a spouse on the scene. But you may need to consider if she is really very poorly you might need someone there for the doctors and nurses because things can change quickly and decisions might need to be made. Possibly if your brother can cover some times you can't so there is someone with her most of the time then the bus journey is a reasonable price to pay?

Sorry, x post.

No they need to pull themselves together and give you some support. Your brother needs to at least give you a lift if he's putting all the responsibility on you. He's behaving appallingly.

And 'D'P would be dumped if that was me. You can tell a lot from how someone treats you in a crisis.

The "I hate hospitals/illness " excuse is poor. I had this from my bro when Dad was poorly. As you and your Mum love illness / hospitals! Or dare I say it, it falls into the "women's thing" category.
But you still need to talk. It will be tough for all of you but for your Mumâ??s sake you need to sort out who does what. Including support for the primary carer if that falls to you.

Sorry posted too soon.

I am so sorry to see that the men in your families appear to be incapable of compassion. I know an ex H just like that! you look half asleep so you won't need me here

Do you have any RL friends who could take you to visit? Where I used to live there was a charity group of volunteers who took people to hospital appointments and to visit ill relatives. Can you enquire at the hospital if there is such a service locally? Or look online?

I am sending you a bunch of and support. I know it's tough.

Who loves hospitals?! They should be helping you out, even if your partner was just dropping you off and picking you up.

Hope your mum gets better soon.

Your brother and partner should both offer you a lift. Your brother should visit. She is his mum too.

I really have no patience with the I hate hospitals argument. Who doesn't?

I spent many hours visiting my mum alone in hospital and was grateful for a lift on occassions from my OH who would do a fleeting visit with our son and then pop to the park or cafe for a bit. Sometimes my aunty came with me. Do you have anyone like that who could come with you? He didn't come most of the time as we had noone to leave DS with. He would ring or text to make sure I was ok though when things were getting scary.

I am an only child so was pretty used to being the only one there but it is still crap.

I hope your mum is better soon OP x

Wow, what a gent your DP is. Why can't he drop you at the hospital if he doesn't want to come in (although unless he has had something traumatic happen at a hospital that excuse is such a cop out, no one likes hospitals but most people are able to see beyond their own selfishness and realise that the person in hospital or in this case enabling their partner to visit their ill mother trumps their fear of hospitals).

Could he not help out 1 way - so you get the bus there but can get spend more time there if he picks you up? Must be awful OP without the added stress of a 2 hour round trip. My Mum died last year, when she was first diagnosed with a terminal illness my DP had at the time only been with me less than a year (more of a boyfriend) - we live an hour away from the hospital and subsequently hospice my Mum was in and I don't drive. My DP never once complained about driving all that way, he owed me nothing at that stage in our relationship, we were not further than dating. As has been said already you find out what a person is really like when hit with a crisis. I hope you can speak to your DP and he will reconsider.

Also agree that your brother needs to help out, it shouldn't all fall on you.