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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To constantly feel guilty about something!

13 replies

Happyyellowcar · 20/04/2015 18:07

Have 3DC, 5,3 & 5mnths. Think I have felt guilty about various child related things since DS1 was born but it's really escalated since DD came along. Examples include feeling guilty for any time out from them for whatever reason, be it social, work, exercise or just plain sleeping / feeling guilty for putting DS2 on iPad while I do reading with DS1 otherwise he interferes/ feeling guilty for sometimes putting on the tv for a bit of peace instead of doing something productive with them / feeling guilty for not always being able to pick up DD when she gets upset because I'm doing tea / bathtime etc / feeling guilty for not being able to breastfeed any of them very well despite trying my hardest/ feeling guilty for shouting etc etc. I feel I am running between all 3 of them constantly trying to do enough with them but it's simply never enough. The constant guilt is really wearing - am I doomed to feel like this forever? Is it just me?

OP posts:
woowoo22 · 20/04/2015 18:38

Stop
stop
stop
stop

You sound like you're doing a fab job. Guilt is a waste.

... wishes could take own advice Grin

PHANTOMnamechanger · 20/04/2015 18:42

Stop beating yourself up! yes it's hard. yes you're not perfect, no one is. You sound like you're doing a great job. Enjoy them without regrets because time really does fly by. They will be teenagers soon! (I have 3 with same age gaps as you, now 15, 13, 10 - how I wish for those hectic, sleep deprived, messy not-enough-hands but utterly wonderful baby days back!)

Cloudhowe63 · 20/04/2015 18:46

It sounds like overload to me. Can anyone look after them for a short time regularly to give you a break (when you relax rather than chasing up housework or errands!)? I think you would all benefit. Flowers

flora717 · 20/04/2015 18:46

Stuff the guilt. You are one person, you are trying. Hard. You're doing enough. Have some Brew and Cake. You've earned it.

WorkingBling · 20/04/2015 18:59

Honestly, stop! I think media and competitive parenting has a lot to answer for. None of the day things you mention are even slight reasons to feel guilty. This is normal life.

Children don't need perfection all the time. And they need to learn that sometimes parents have to prioritise other things. Honestly, you are doing fine.
Can you speak to someone you know and trust in real life who can hopefully reassure you that you are doing just fine!

The80sweregreat · 20/04/2015 19:58

I always feel guilty too, its even worse since i gave up working. I know how you feel! Take the advice of others n here though.

FoulsomeAndMaggotwise · 20/04/2015 20:22

I'm a guilty parent too.

Too much TV
Not enough freshly cooked food
House is too messy
Not enough outings
Not enough time spent staring lovingly into newborn's eyes
Etc etc etc

Luckily I know the guilt is a natural part of parenting and try to just ignore it. My kids are clean, fed, loved, listened to and played with and that will have to do for now.

Original poster
Happyyellowcar · 20/04/2015 20:29

Thanks - I think my friends would be v surprised if they knew how bad I feel most of the time as I get lots of "you're doing so well"/"making it look easy" etc comments but that's not how I feel at all. Wonder how many other "capable" looking mums are feeling the guilt like this? Also I am really aware of how quickly time goes by - can't believe DS1 is 5 already - and just try to tell myself that they won't remember half of this stuff anyway when they're older. They're pretty happy kids so far but I find it virtually impossible to just relax and go with the flow - seem to be stuck in guilt / anxiety mode most of the time even when I get to bed so also find it hard to sleep sometimes. Really wish I could just stop!

OP posts:
PHANTOMnamechanger · 20/04/2015 20:33

Hi OP Smile

Just keep an eye on that guilt/anxiety/not sleeping business, make sure it stays within healthy, normal levels and does not start controlling you or being hard to shake off as those things can be sign of depression if long term & persistent.

Don't be afraid to ask for help and DO allow yourself child free time just for you!

MummyLuce · 20/04/2015 20:44

Omg I do the same. Put kids to bed and the list things I feel guilty about. Every day, without fail. Today: guilty that I didn't carry dd to the treehouse in the playground when she asked, guilty that I spent too much time chatting to another mum rather than playing with dd2 at playgroup, guilty that I got irritated with ds when brushing his teeth...the list goes on...it's really silly though as I'm sure to an outsider it looks like you're doing a stellar job! Because you undoubtedly are

MummyLuce · 20/04/2015 20:46

Honestly, you sound so much like me! I could have written your post!

Original poster
Happyyellowcar · 20/04/2015 20:51

Hehehe well glad to know it's not just me but it's horrible to live with isn't it! Just getting fed up now! I think for me it's gotten worse since DD because she wasn't planned (although she's a real angel and we love her to bitsSmile) BUT I'm really aware of how DS2 misses out a bit - DS1 is at an age where he is happy with his Lego but DS2 still wants me to play with him a lot and that time is being squeezed away by DD and general chores making me feel horrible all the time...but if I don't keep on top of the household stuff we'd be living in a huge mess with no food or clean clothes ! Arg!

OP posts:
Charley50 · 20/04/2015 21:21

Haha I'm the same and my DS is 11. Guilty I let him go on the computer too much, guilty I made a bad choice of dad for him, guilty if we don't eat at the table, guilty if I ever shout or that we don't have a big house and beg car like lots of our friends.. I could go on. I try not to let it get to me.

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