aibu or is this emotional blackmail

[Dontunderstand01]

Have posted about myfamily before as I am trying to work through some issues with them. Very long story short, have lived 4 hrs away from home due to husbands job for over 10 years. I visit my family at least 4 times a year and every Christmas. I ring my mum at least 2 or 3 times a week, text her every day. She is retired. Dad still works. They live close to my sister.

Every time we speak my mum mentions missing my son (10 months), I try and say something along the lines of 'we miss you too, but we'll see you in xx number of weeks'. They have been to visit twice since ds was born, both times for one night. One time was because they could fit it in on the way back from their hols.

Today she came out with "please remind ds who his nana is". In a very plaintive voice.

I went to see her at easter (4 days), going for her birthday in june. Visiting in summer hols. She has not mentioed coming here despite me asking several times. My dad just took a week off to do decorating! Visiting us is just not on their agenda. Which is fair enough, but surely comments like that are emotional blackmail? I work btw, 3 days a week, and dh is full time.

Maybe they don't like travelling? Also is there room for her to stay with you? Or dp they have the,expense of a hotel? Possibly that plus fuel costs makes regular trips unaffordable.

It could also be that your DM sees however regularly she visits (and if your DF is still working, and you and your DH both work, it may be much more regular visits are impossible anyway) she isn't going to have the same relationship with your DC as if she lived down the road...also as she gets older she may be anxious about you being so far away if her health starts to fail etc.

Sometimes it doesn't hurt to try and see it from the other persons POV.

Trying to be kind, it might be that it just hasn't entered her head that she could make the effort, I know people who are indeed that selfish. It's more likely she's being manipulative though. Either way, next time tell her straight that she's welcome to visit if it's so important to her.

'Ohhhhh I miss him soooo much'

'Oooh don't upset him! Don't worry DS, granny is only teasing, she's not upset, granddad had a whole week off the other week and they did the decorating instead of visiting us so it can't be that bad!'

'Tell DS who his granny is'

'Here he is! Ok DS, granny is going to say hi and tell you when she will be able to come and visit you next. Repeat after me (baby voice) 'when are you coming here granny, you always say how much you miss me but you never ever visit, if mummy didn't bring me to you you'd never seeeee meeee'

'I miss him...'

'Well you can't miss him that much as you never come to see us'

etc.

Why all the recommendations for passive aggressive/downright aggressive responses in return?

How about some openness and honesty instead?

"If you miss him, Mum, we could skype so you can see him, or you could down and visit us."
"If the next time we're coming to visit you seems too far away, Mum, why don't you come for a visit so you can spend some time with him?"
"If you're worried he's going to forget you, why don't we skype or you come for a visit?"

Or
"I can hear from what you're saying that you wish you saw DS more often. We can't come to you more often than we already do - why don't you come to us?"
"When you say this stuff, Mum, I feel as though you're expecting something of me and I feel a bit guilty. Also I feel a bit hurt that you don't come to visit us more often."

She's your mum; presumably she loves you and DS and you love her. Better communication is preferable to causing a row or assuming that she's deliberately emotionally blackmailing you and attempting to do the same in return, surely?

My MIL is like this. Used to tell us how much seeing our dc "cheered her up" while looking all misty-eyed. Dh suggested maybe she talk to her GP if the "only thing that kept her going" was seeing her dc. She doesn't say it anymore.

These days she gets all sniffy if we don't see her every weekend. She sees the dc weekly but gets all emotional when we say we're busy. She lives with my SIL and dn incidentally so hardly alone.

Ferrione, I am completely aware of my parents circumstances, none of which gives them reason not visit. They both have a car, they have a LOT of money and are very open about the fact. The frequently travel abroad, so there are no excuses that they dont like being out of their own bed.They get on great with my DH, we have a spare bedroom with a king size bed for them, and I go out of my way to buy the food they like etc for when they do visit.

Bottom line is, they expect me to travel because I always do! I think if I pushed a little they may do more. I briefly spoke with my mum this week and suggested that she visit

manchestermummy, that is exactly what my mum does! It particularly irks me that one grandchild is singled out as 'the light of our lives' and 'a little treasure'. Not very nice to her older sister, or my son.

Thank you for the suggestions of reply. I am very happy to visit for her birthday in june, until then the door is open for them to visit us.

Having exactly the same problem with my mum I could have written your post she gets extremely jealous of my MIL who sees baby much more because you know, she makes an effort.
No advice but you have my sympathy. Crap isn't it?

Crabby, that is really good advice, although I am annoydd there is no point making things worse! I want to build bridges not break them further. Also, I love my a great deal and want her to be happy. I have spent years agonising over back, and whilst this may sound selfish to some, I love my life here and they are the only bit of the jigsaw that is missing. My mum chose to move near my sister, to a part of the world which is very, very expensive. To buy a house similar to my own would cost me an extra 150k!

I know they want me to move back, and sometimes wonder if they are holding out for me to do so. I had a look at houses near them, and I would havd to sell my 4 bed detached, and get a 2 bed flat to be near them! Nearest affordable town is 40 min drive from them. So even if I moved I wouldn't be immediately close to them.

I am trying so hard to balance the needs of my own new family, and my parents. I feel like I am making 100% of the effort to resolve this. I understand I chose to move away, but if they could make steps such as visiting for more than one day, or being willing to skype, I might feel as though they were trying to help rather than making me feel guilty.

Sorry, needed to get it off my chest!

Nannyplum, don't get me started on the granny wars! She openly hates my step muminlaw who visits once a month for a whole weekend each time. She cannot accept that she simply loves my ds and is not trying to 'take over'. Tbh, DSMil is very easy going, and doesn't criticise me, unlike my own mum!

Can you skype?

I've got a very similar problem with exMIL. Plenty of chance to come down, just can't be arsed!

Last time we visited she only got a lovely but fleeting visit and acted like a spoilt child when I said we needed to go (we have a lot of people to visit when we go and hadn't seen many since before xmas, we were only up for the weekend so everyone got short visits and a promise of a longer one next time). I didn't say anything infront of dd but im waiting for the next pa Facebook message or 'I miss dgd so much' status to pounce on it. It's ridiculous behaviour from a grown woman!

Just thought I would update... Ds's first birthday and DM's bithday are in the same month, and DM's birthday is a big one. I will be travelling to visit her and DSis for her birthday, but wanted to invite them the DS's first birthday. I thought they would feel excluded if I didn't ask them and they would think I was favouring my Inlaws.

DM said there was no point in visiting as I would be seeing her later in the month, Dsis hasn't replied to my texts. I spoke with DM today and said I understand they may not feel it is practical or worthwhile to visit us in the same month, but what about another time? She was non committal so said I don't want to hear about "remind DS who I am" when they won't visit or skype!

DM's response was to say "well if you don't want to come up for my birthday it's fine. We can cancel our plans and maybe we will all come and see DS. Although it would be a shame because DSis won't be able to visit, and DS doesn't even know its his birthday". I asked her how me asking them to visit at another point in the next month or so was the same as asking her to cancel her birthday. Tumbleweed.

I feel like I am losing my mind. How did this get turned around on me... Genuinely AIBU? I honestly don't know!?

It's been turned around to you because your 'D'M will ALWAYS turn it around to you. YOU left, so YOU are responsible for this. You are the daughter and you are at her beck and call. It's as simple as that.

But well done for your response. Tumbleweed indeed - she knew she had no way of turning it back on you. Keep going with it!

You did well. She might not come but she might shut up about it now. It's upsetting that she doesn't want to come I'm sure - my dm is an octogenarian living a plane ride away but she comes several times a year to see her dgcs. Their other gps are in same country and make a lot less effort. People are strange.