Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be livid at Inlaws?

19 replies

mrsnlw · 20/04/2015 11:35

Setting the scene.... We live 150 miles from Inlaws (his parents and his brother and brothers family). His sister lives in Turkey with her family and comes over a few times a year.

We went down at Christmas and all SIL did was criticize our parenting on the exact things she has trouble with with her children but we dont with our DS - Example - DS was sleeping through and she was saying do this, do that with him when there was no issue yet neither of her children, aged 18m and 3 sleep through. Letting her kids walk round with steak knives, pull our DS willy when we were changing him etc...

Whilst we were there we had "christmas" We had been to BHS and put thought into our gifts and wrapped them nicely etc. We got shit presents from them - I got a shower gel - not a set - a single shower gel and a poundshop diary from SIL and from MIL I got a lunchbag with a load of coffee and hot chocolate sachets. No thought whatsoever put into it. BIL and his family gave some BS excuse on both thje Sat and the Sun that they were ill and couldnt come up yet were there looking perfectly fine on the Mon after we had gone home.

We vowed we woulsdnt make so much of an effort in future and wouldnt go down when SIL was there as we had also had to stay in a hotel (the whole trip costing around £150 instead of the usual £40 diesel costs).

So.... Friday was DH's birthday. Long story short, his card didnt arrive until the Sat and on the Fri he had to call his Mum at 9pm to even be wished happy birthday! All she talked about was SIL (she was over) and how she had had a lovely day having cream teas and was excited to be going to turkey the next day with SIL. and Oh your cards in the post.

DH gets his card on the sat and I quote "To X, Happy birthday Love from Mum and Dad. PS. Your Uncle Y has only got a few weeks left to live"

I was so livid. Unbeliebly so. DH is very hurt and upset by their recent attitudes and this weekend has cemented our feelings. I have said we are not going to see them again, they can come up here if they want to see DS. I am sick of MIL popping over to Turkey but cant come 3 hours up the road to see us.

Am I being unreasonable to be so livid?

OP posts:
NynaevesSister · 20/04/2015 11:38

I don't know where to start.

She actually wrote that in a birthday card!!!

NynaevesSister · 20/04/2015 11:39

BTW you are not at all BU to be livid that his own mother has treated her son that way.

Original poster
mrsnlw · 20/04/2015 11:41

Believe me NynaevesSister I hit the roof. As if it hadnt shown him enough on the phone... She even spoke to him the Fri Night! He didnt even know his uncle was poorly

OP posts:
Theoldcauliflower · 20/04/2015 11:42

Yanbu

fredfredgeorgejnr · 20/04/2015 11:42

YABU about all of it other than the PS in the birthday card, the moaning about presents, the moaning about a card being late, they don't like you, this isn't surprising you don't appear to like them - you do not get annoyed with someone you like buying you a present.

Original poster
mrsnlw · 20/04/2015 11:44

fredfredgeorgejnr Thats the thing. I do like them. have always been polite and civil but gradually their attitude towards us has changed since his sister had her children.

OP posts:
CandyLane · 20/04/2015 11:44

YANBU - you're getting nothing from this relationship with them.

FWIW though, we only live 10 mins down the road and PIL/BIL never visit us, the only time they ever did was when DD was first born, they came once.

How does your DH feel about the matter?

SunnyBaudelaire · 20/04/2015 11:46

YABU about most of it - cannot stand this burning martyr family thing.
How old is your DH anyway? was he really upset because his mum's card came the next day? Really?
YANBU about the PS, how very odd.

Original poster
mrsnlw · 20/04/2015 11:48

My husband isnt very vocval about his family - I think this in itself tells a story. I think he feels very let down by them and he has always said its always been about his sister. I said, as stated above, I have had enough and am done with them. Usually he protests when I get cross saying things such as "leave it, its not worth it" but he didnt say a word which is his way of agreeing.

His Mum even sent me a message on facebook about something unrelated the day afterand it took all my might not to shout at her. I couldnt care less about them if this is their attitude. But it's DH I am sad for.

OP posts:
Original poster
mrsnlw · 20/04/2015 11:49

SunnyBaudelaire It wasnt that it came late it was the "Oh its in the post" attitude his mother had and didnt even ask how his birthday had been but proceeded to talk all about her day with his sister.

OP posts:
SunnyBaudelaire · 20/04/2015 11:50

it does sound sad for him, but at least he has you there to support him.

Variousrandomthings · 20/04/2015 11:54

That's a totally bonkers thing to write in a card! Really inappropriate.

YABU about cards being late. Doesn't matter as long as they do remember a card.

YABU about the gifts. That's fine if they want to be economic. You can do the same next time and it will save you time, thought and money.

YANBU about traveling. We used to always go to MILs (3 hours each way). They still expect us to go to them but we now play hard ball and refuse to go unless they take their turn. Our life is much busier with 4 kids and various leisure/work commitments - they are retired.

maybeIwillmaybeIwont · 20/04/2015 11:59

Well just leave them to each other. I do think that was an awful thing to put in a (late) birthday card but it might have been the post.

But no excuse whatever to leave you feeling this way. She can pop over to Turkey but hardly make it to your house, 3 hours away? Wtf?

Well, good for her. Let her go overseas if it suits her. It doesn't suit you to make a journey to see someone who doesn't seem too bothered to see you.

If she really does want a relationship, leave it to her the next time. You might be left waiting but at least you know where you stand.

And yes, great that your DH has you on his side, I'm sure he is grateful for that.

Original poster
mrsnlw · 20/04/2015 12:00

His mother coukldnt even be arsed to knit knitwear for my son but will knit for anyone else (including the other grankids) and had only been up twice prior to our son being born and him having lived here for 7 years in that time. maybe we are better off without them!

OP posts:
Variousrandomthings · 20/04/2015 12:19

Wait for mil to visit you. Makes less effort, cheaper gifts, lots of space. Get on with enjoying your own lives.

Offer to meet SIL half way for the day when she visits. She can always hire a car or go on mil insurance.

A bit of space and less effort will really help. I don't think you need to go NC

Can you ask your mil directly about knitted jumper? FB her asking her to make one

Original poster
mrsnlw · 20/04/2015 12:22

Various Ive asked her a few times. Her response is quite often "I'm too busy" with her knitting page on FB and everything else other than us.

OP posts:
Variousrandomthings · 20/04/2015 12:25

Oh dear. Then maybe give up with the jumper.

If you both lower your expectations, you'd feel less hurt

I cope now (years down the line) by seeing the humour in the situation. My friend has a similar mil and we have quite a laugh about things

Original poster
mrsnlw · 20/04/2015 12:29

I never used to think it but now think maybe its because he moved away...

OP posts:
Variousrandomthings · 20/04/2015 12:39

Lots of families are fractured over the uk/world. It's the norm these days. I hardly know anyone with local family. It would be silly if they held that against DH

New posts on this thread. Refresh page